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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Why Girls Like Me Cant Watch Flix

True story.... About 3 months ago... I get to my homeboy's house... knock four times. no answer but I hear a bunch of guys hooting and hollering so I just walk in thinking they were watching the Ravens Game or some other sports even on TV. Walked in on 5 guys watching what had to be the most "real" and ghetto porno known to mankind on a 60 inch LCD screen. Why someone would want to watch another man pumping into a woman's "whispering eye" (LMAO) is beyond me... But I digress...
So, i go in. Stand there with a WTF look on my face. All the dudes in there get quiet. I dont want to be the rain on the parade so Im like "dont mind me- im just trying to get my American Gangster DVD back". Out my peripheral I caught a glimpse of this madness and was intrigued and entertained by this... travesty of a flick. Now, by no means am I an avid porn watcher nor do i participate in my own pornish activities but I think i know a little bit about a lot.
Anyway- they're watching this flick and i peeped a few things in my 10 minutes (im guessing) of watching. From what I gather, the "movie" focuses on some random white guy - the cameraman- asking some dirtball black guy to film him and his girl getting nasty. So, the guy knocks on his girls door. She's clueless as to why there is a white man holding a camera at her door. Her boyfriend is like "let's try something new". He goes in and the girl is like "today aint a good day, i mean, my house aint clean". She's wearing a one piece short set thingy, looking a hot stank ass mess and her hair isnt done. The boyfriend is like "its ok it aint about the place" and the cameraman scans across the apartment and there aint a piece of furniture in that b*tch. LOL I missed what happened after that because i went to go look for my movie. I come out and shorty is getting done from behind and I couldnt help but bust out laughing! I mean the guy had a sunroof ( definition: bald or thinning hair in the middle), a long wide strip of taco meat going from his pubic bone to his nipples, gunshot wounds and keloids from an apparent stab wound.
The girl was sloppy- had a csection scar, dirt in between her rolls, nails all bit up (i peeped the nails as she was juggling dude's 4 inch ball hang time), hair all broke off, gut hanging low, glasses all foggy, no makeup or sex appeal. I mean, are they all like this???? My homeboy says "no, only the black ones". LOL Come on black people... have some class. Show some creativity.
Needless to say, i was laughing so hard that my friend and his firends decided to play Madden "until that crazy girl left". Ya'll know how I feel about Madden so I dipped. LOL

So, on my ride home Im thinking to myself... Do I look like that? Do i always remember to look presentable? Has one of my "oops, he was a mistake" ever filmed me without me knowing? And if he did, was I on top of my game? Im all about self improvement and after seeing this I am making a pledge to myself to always have my wig tight, nails looking proper, feet uncrustified, and body on point when I get intimate with someone. I refuse to look like the girl frrom the movie-all hard looking in the face and soft around the waist.
*** My personal Tips to HOW TO MAKE A "CLASSY FLICK".***
Disclaimer: I have never made a pornographic movie nor do I plan on making one. I am clearly stating what I THINK would have made the porno that I was, regretfully, a witness to better.
1. Personal hygiene is a MUST. Genital area may be closely shaven, shaved or trimmed up. No one wants to have to guess what lies beneath your pubes.
2. Make sure your appearance is up to par. For men, nappy thigh hair, crusty mouth, and war wounds are not cute. Women, if you had a csection, a little concealer goes a long way! Dab a little bit of that on stretchmarks, hyperpigmentation (dark spots) and any "flaws" you want to cover up. The camera picks up everything. Feet shouldnt look like you are allergic to lotion, hair should be neatly done, fingernails should be clean and neat, if you look hard in the face- try some MAC or some Loreal- because your worth it!
3. CLEAN YOUR FRICKING APARTMENT! Youre thinking no one is going to notice/care that my place is dirty. Youre wrong, girls notice everything. We notice that you have a PC sitting on top of a tote. We peeped the mismatched bedroom furniture and bedsheets.
4. Storyline? Have one!
5. Stop looking in the camera and then remember that youre on film and then try to play it off! You look stupid.
6. Ambiance--- You dont have an R Kelly cd lying around? Do i really have to hear the cameraman say "ok, flip her"?
7. Better cameraman- Hard to get enticed by a shaky ass flick. Please stop recruting these men with Parkinsons disease.
8. Know your lighting and angles that work for you! If you got 22's for a stomach that reach around to your back--- Arch your back a tad bit higher (poke your but out more- think feline like) to deflate the tires. You got a wonky eye? Tilt your head on an angle with the tangled eye out of the light- and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LOOK DIRECTLY IN THE CAMERA- you will ruin it all!

If you guys like the typical dirt ball flicks like I saw yesterday, by all means, do you but Dont Expect A Girl Like Me to watch.
~~~~~ FIN~~~~~

4 comments:

Beauty through broken glass said...

OMG! So you had me cracking up the entire time. I'm suprised I read something so long. Bt yeah I agree with you on everything. I can't stand those ghetto ass flix, the black people are always looking tore up! You must be up to par all the time.

Amber-Alert said...

LMAO concealer on the stretch marks tho?! LOL LOL this was funny...

MISS BEE said...

Yea this was definitely funny but TRUE. I watch porn but I only have certain ppl that will watch, that way Im guaranteed that I wont have to witness any of the fuckery or wrongery you experienced.

LaTonya Bynum said...

Hilarious! Your a comedian;)

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