It IS a SMALL world after all....

I've been having a serious case of bloggers block... OK, I'm lying. I've just been lazy as shit. Today was no different and I had no intentions on posting my blogs on my teenage hoodrat shit or plus-sizedness simply because of lack of motivation. Then a wonderful thing happened!


I'm sitting at my desk and I see my Gmail account flashing to let me know I have new mail. I clicked the link and saw a name I didn't recognize but a blogger name that I did. I'm like a kid at Christmas when it comes to texts, emails, phone calls... pretty much anything that lets me know that someone wants to talk to me. wow, i cant believe i just admitted that.



Anyway, I read the email that said:

Was going through my vacation pics and thought you'd like these 2 pictures.

Along with the "khaki, does it really taste like v8 splash?" emails, I get these messages all the time from readers and commenters that know I'm appreciative of any fuckery but this one was special and needed to be posted because... well... look at the pics and you'll know why. If you don't why my endorphins started to go out of control causing me to feel all gay inside, then you don't know me and should refer to the tags.









My heart smiled and I laughed so hard as I saw this little blessing in her mono-kini and borderline pregnant gut and drumstick legs not giving a damn about her stature. Then... I squint my eyes and I'm thinking to myself "Damn, that sort of looks like Shortie". Of course, I couldn't see her face but it cant be that many cocky, black 3 footers with that build walking around. So I text my "uncle" and ask him if he's spoken to Shortie lately and he tells me that he hasn't because the last time they spoke she gave him an attitude and called him a "triflin fag" before hanging up on him.



sidebar: See why I wanted to hide her grabbers from her? She's straight rude for no reason. She get all types of government assistance, midget scholarships, has one of those adaptive cars with the post office truck gear shift, and acts like the world owes her something because her mother did crack and her daddy stuttered causing her pollypocketness. Bitch please! I don't go to pity parties because I don't have shit to wear. Fuck outta here with the woe is me- why don't you have a step stool if you knew i was coming?- you think I can try out for Americas Next Top Model petite edition?- none of my shoes have high heels bullshit. Waaah fucking Waaah! Embrace your midgetnism that gave you that donk! Some folks eat 423 biscuits a year just to get a speedbump and you were... Let me compose myself.... :breathe:



Anyway, I send the pics to my uncle and an hour or so later he texts me back "Yup, Kita said that's her. Where you find those pix? 'Elves gone Wild'?".

Holy Midgets Batman!

I haven't been this excited since the last Good Times marathon. Thanks again Kingsmomma for making my Thursday!

All.Black.Everything... now I will be happy for the rest of the day...

*dead*

jacked from DurtyMo

Part 2: My love for Midgets Was Tested

It was a cold and breezy night... still snow on the ground but i was dying for some shrimp and broccoli from the neighborhood china joint. Almost feigning for the greasy concoction of 2 week old broccoli and Inner Harbor shrimp, I almost forgot that I had to pee and ran into Lucky Express but what happened next changed my entire view of the people that I adored the most... midgets.


I walk to the order counter and ask for an L7 extra spicy. Doing the i-gotta-pee-hurry-the-fuck-up dance, I heard the bell used to alert when someone is entering go off. My already weak bladder was about to explode, I was hungry and didn't even bother to turn around. Feel free to revoke my Black Card for not following the #1 Black Rule for Safety: Never turn your back to the entrance of any establishment.



I receive my change and put it in my pocket and the next thing I know I'm verbally attacked by the human version of the Honey Combs monster.








A ga' damn midget wearing a leather Packers jacket, a Coors beer t-shirt, and his baggy jeans tucked in his wee lil' snow boots ran up on me and screamed "I WANNA GET ME SOME FOOD!". Had my bladder been a little weaker, I would've pissed myself. Frozen, I stood there looking at the wee-man and couldn't say one word.



He yelled again, "Chicken wings! I want chicken wings!". I nervously replied "OK" and backed up away from the hybrid of a person that was now so close that I could smell his breath and see his tartar encrusted tongue.



He ordered 4 wings and french fries and the Asian woman asked for $5.05. He handed her ONE dollar and screamed something that I was sure was some ancient version of Pig Latin. The lady at the counter took the dollar bill with confusion and fear etched all over her face. She wanted her 4.05 but she knew not to fuck with a midget with a bad attitude.


I walked out of the store and tried to take a picture of this angry mythical humanette. I get his picture as he's walking out of the store and I'm thinking "Fuck! He's going to kick my ass and I'm going to end up peeing on myself in this crowded ass shopping center". I lean closer to the glass window and, thankfully, he walks in the opposite direction of me. After breathing a sigh of relief, I run into the store and wait anxiously for my food secretly hoping that the angry dwarf wouldn't come back to harass me anymore.






For the last 19 years, i have been fascinated by little people and here I am getting harassed by a little person. I support midgets and what do I get in return? Being yelled at in Latin by a dwarf with halitosis? Everything I believed in for almost 2 decades was diminished by this one 3 minute encounter. I used to get a warm feeling at the thought of little people. Now, I just sit there clutching my pretend Glock with my trigger happy finger ready to blast one of em like a midget version game of Duck Hunt. It may sound mean but I was viciously attacked my a fucking midget! Well- maybe not attacked and maybe not viciously but you know what I mean. I felt like someone told me there was no Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or Easter Rabbit.


I don't know how I feel about "them" anymore. I'm still getting over this traumatizing event.

My Love for Midgets Was Tested- Part 1

Disclaimer: Please note that I am not trying to offend anyone and this is merely my point of view and my feelings. If you're a little person, I'm sorry but... Im not. Uhm, I am in no way trying to be hurtful... but this is my blog. Read on...

If you're a friend, family member, frequent reader of this blog or if you've ever met me, you should already know that I have a fascination almost borderline obsession with little people.

Before you either laugh and think I'm bullshitting you or give me the side eye and call me an ignorant bitch, please note that I have always kept it 100 with all of you and I am very aware that this is a bit strange and I know Im a bitch.

I digress-

Last night, my love for midgets was tested and it made me question what everyone else has asked for years-"What's up with you and midgets?".

I went back to my childhood... and a very vivid memory was resurrected. I was about 5 or so and I was watching a dubbed-version of I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. Of course, I was supposed to be fast asleep with my little brother laying next to me but I couldn't help but be drawn into this movie with a lot of cussing, that dude from In Living Color, and a bald head woman with missing limbs named Cherry.

After sneakily watching the movie with my mother who didn't know I was awake came a scene that changed my damn life. More than halfway through the movie, Jack Spade, John Slade, Kung Fu Joe, Slammer and Hammer all attempt to take down Mr. Big by fucking up one of his spots "The Big Hat Club". Following me? Good.

So, they're surrounding all these gangster dudes with big hats on and from one of the hat emerges a hand holding a gun. These mufuckas had midgets hiding in these big ass pimp hats and holding guns. So out comes this little dude, Wayne Evans, that used to kick Jack's ass in grade school and they start scrapping. It was the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. Here I am 5 or 6 years old... half way asleep, watching a movie with a miniature human and I'm shocked. I was amazed by this pocket-sized version of an adult. This little dude is smaller than me but looks like a grown ass man. I had never seen anything like it before and from that moment on I was in love with all people miniature.

After that came the infatuation with Troll dolls which may or not be related to my love for midgets but... it could. Then there were those damn Leprechaun movies that I just had to watch no mater how lame they were. If a movie had a midget or little person, I was glued to the tube.

I watch midget wrestling- midget bowling- midget porn ... all things miniature. Sounding like Confessions of a midgetholic?

I'm weird like that but it's OK. I'm a happy person and little people make me happy. I have a picture of midgets playing basketball on the wall in my office; it keeps me from going crazy. I've watched Bad Santa a trillion times just to see my favorite little actor Tony Cox (uhm, i didnt know his name until I decided to write this post- Fail for me).

I wish I had a little friend that can walk around the mall with me and I'd introduce her as "My Midget" and she'd call me "My Bigget". She'd be a Goon with a doo-rag and gold teeth like Midget Mac and she'd rap. If they weren't real people that required care and special attention like puppies and human trafficking weren't illegal, I'd probably rent me a midget. Just to hang out and do shit with.

I have a distant cousin who's a little person but I don't fuck with her. She's a little bitch with a short fuse <---- get it. *crickets* Seriously, Shortie- as she is affectionately called- got a mean chip on her shoulder. Real diva with a stank ass attitude and i promise if I ever saw her again, I'd glue her fingers together or hide all of her "Grabbers".

Sooooo this post has gone a little off track and has become super long so I'll end it now and promise to follow up with a Part 2 for those that didn't get offended and un-followed me. Fuck it, this is real life.