Yo, you just might be a lemon

The very first car i almost purchased was a red 1999 Plymouth Neon. Don't you judge me. I was 17 and i was eager to get a car so I checked the paper and saw that this man was selling a stick-shift car for 1200.00 and get this, it had a spoiler. 2 points for Khak. Now I will admit,  I couldn't drive a stick shift but I wanted a car and 1200 was definitely in my budget. Match made in heaven, right? Negative senors and senoritas  (practicing speaking dirty for the hubster).

Anyway, I get to the house and the car is clean, looks well-kept and, to an anxious 17 year old with 1200, perfect.  That is until the test drive. The first sign that something was wrong happened when I opened the car door and the frigging mirror fell to the ground.  The guy told me that he "forgot" to mention the faulty mirror in the ad but it was a cheap and easy fix.  No biggie, right? Who  needs side view mirrors anyway?

So I drive around the block- the car stalled twice. I start the car again- the car smokes. I try to start again and that car yelled at me "Get the fuck out of here! I'm about to explode!".  Needless to say, I took my 1200.00 home and cried. I'd just experienced what it felt like to almost purchase a lemon. Devastation, I tell ya.

To the main point of this post.... Lemons- of the women variety. The women that sit on the lot and act like they're Maybachs when they are really Daewoos. The women with 22's and the black spray painted exterior... The women that are so fucked up that all they can do is display a CHECK ENGINE light alerting you that something is wrong but they don't want to tell you or  they dont know what the hell is wrong with them. Those women.

I bet there's at least one Lemon reading this post right now rocking their business casual attire, shaking their heads and plucking hot sauce chunks from their acrylics talking bout "im happy that aint me".  Lemons oblivious to their lemon status. Ole silly ass lemon.

For those that have no idea what a Lemon is, let Wikipedia me break it down for you.

Lemon: A lemon is a defective (car) woman that is found to have numerous or severe defects not readily apparent before its purchase. Any woman with these issues can be termed a 'lemon,' and, by extension, any product which has major flaws that render it unfit for its purpose can be described as a 'lemon'.

Got it? No? :sigh:

Is She A Lemon?

Covered up Rusted/Busted/Chipped Exterior: Look at that beautiful woman sitting there... body right, face right, grill right, got that Peeta Rican hair,  skin right...  All good, right? Probably not and you may be getting bamboozled by the dealer. Shorty has been spackeled with tons of MAC, Milky Way haya (that's hair, fools)  and Spanx and she really expects you to believe she's a Bugatti with bald tires. Don't fall for it bruh.

High Mileage on The Va-engine: The only cars that can have a gazillion miles and keep on trucking are those foreign models. Sorry, we're not talking about the Kim Kardashians of the world whose pretty enough to take a million dicks in the throat and still be NBA wife material. I'm speaking of the regla ass women of the world. The Yous and Mes and Hers of the world . Sure women  like to think that they can hoe around as much as men. In a perfect world where black unicorns named Horny Ca'Docious ( random, i know) roam freely amongst black owned beauty supply stores  a woman wouldn't be considered a hoe but we don't live in perfect world. We live in a world with incurable diseases, homelessness, rapists and Souljah Boy so, yes, a woman with high mileage on the vagina can and, more than likely will be, a lemon. If I'm lying, honestly admit you fucked 34 men in the last 11 months. I'll wait.

Missing Pieces under the Hood: I know she seems intelligent and it appears that everything is there. Seems = not good enough. Ask her questions other than who her favorite rapper or actor is. If she's a lemon, she'll probably start to stall or cut off. A true lemon only has enough juice to last through a few dates to the movies and the Cheesecake Factory. Now, what good is a car that has nothing under the hood? Trust me... its useless and you aren't going anywhere just like that dumb ass broad you're wifin'.

Ole fucked up interior: I bullshit you not - one of my closest friends went to an auction and purchased a 745 BMW that has a semi-permanent odor of  a dead man's ass and a backseat that came from another car. Auctions finest... Pretty sure it came from a drug dealer.  Anyway, I mentioned that  because it doesn't matter that he owns a car that's beautiful on the outside when the inside is all fucked up. While you're impressing folks with your pretty car and spinners you're also uncomfortable as hell sitting on a crate with a bungee cord wrapped around your waist looking like a damn crash test dummy. This applies to women too. No man wants a beautiful woman with a stank ass ole scriggity-scraggity ass interior. If you have a "my shit don't stank/fuck old people/fuck charity/ I like my job at the check cashing spot/fuck African midgets/put extra egg in my yat gaw mein" attitude I don't give a damn how fly you think you are, you will be sitting on that lot of love for the rest of your life.


There are no KBB values for snatch (and penis). There's no Coochfax report to tell you how many wrecks she's been in or how much body damage she's ever had. There are some totaled out hoes out here just itching to get you caught up in a high-interest buy here-pay here loan. However, unlike cars, the good thing about us women is that not one of us is alike and for every lemon there's a smooth riding, clean luxury woman with a buttery soft interior, shiny exterior and low to no miles ready to be taken for the long ride home. You just might just have to test drive a bunch of lemons to find the right one for you.

Thoughts on the Freaking Deacon... or Bishop Eddie LongDong... or...

Let me preface this by stating that I know that I'm an ass. Not just the hole.... I'm the whole ass! A big ass... with spots... like Montana Fishburne.

Now that we have that out the way I'd like to give my glutanic (<--- not a word, is it? Where's C4?) view of the whole Eddie-Long-sucked-a-ding-dong shenanigans.

General thought: He did it. I was not in the room... in the city... state or anywhere near Mr. Long BUT I believe that he did it. I don't know if he really "lured" those young men with gifts of vehicles and trips to places like New Zealand- which , by the way is the gayest place in the world*- but my gaydar is blinking flaming red. The poses, the tights ass gym clothing, that hairline, those "curls", those... shall I go on? I'm willing to bet my whole collection of Garbage Pail Kids stickers that Eddie Long, with his glistening pubic haired toupee and all his sexual chocolatiness, exclamation point shaped body, in that tight ass Under Armour workout gear, slobbed them boys down like someone told him the cream filling would fill in that Flo-Rida hairline. I have no doubt that Eddie Long packed more fudge than Keebler. Bottom (pun intended) Line.

Let me finish-

I'm looking at a scandal unfold that involves a bishop of a mega church, money, homosexuality, and possible molestation and, just like every other instance that involves religious :ahem: black leaders, almost the whole congregation of 25,000 is fully supporting the accused.

While Bishop Long has not been convicted and these are only allegations, let's look at the some of the details so far:

• 2 young men alleged that Bishop Eddie Long offered money, expensive gifts, and vacations for sexual favors a.k.a pimping. Yes, you heard right! Eddie Long "allegedly" pimped young boys of his congregation.
• The same 2 young men also alleged that some of the advances took place during their teenage years
• a third man has come forward with the same allegations
• a fourth man has come forward with the same allegations
• and... Eddie Long has yet to deny any of these allegations

I'm sorry but if someone accused a known homophobic religious leader of being, well, a homosexual that touched minors and paid them for dome (that's oral sex for you that have education beyond the 11th grade), would you not expect that leader to stand up and say "Hey, i don't suck dick. I have never sucked dick and I will never suck a dick". Now, I'm not homophobic at all but I'd be damned if i allow someone to publicly accuse me of eating pink meat and not deny it.

Reporter: Is it true that you provided oral sex to a woman for money?

Khaki: Maam, the last time I've been close to any ones vagina was March 22, 1986 when I slid out of my mothers womb. She had to forcefully push me out of her vagina as, even as a baby, I refused to have my face near any woman's hotpocket. To answer your question: No, maam, there has never been any pussy grease near me since birth.

When the lawsuit first came to light, I laughed, said "damn, another freaking deacon" and kept it moving. It wasn't until I heard that some of the allegations took place when the young men were minors, that i put on my Khaki La'Hansen hat and started really reading into the fuckery. Being a faggoty (no offense) pastor and beating meat is one thing but luring in minors with video games n' shit is just inexcusable.

Had these been young women making these allegations, the story wouldve went in different direction- or, would it? Would the members of the New Birth Missionary (irony?) Church then blame the young women for jerking off their beloved bishop? Would the women be de-victimized and called home wreaking hoes? We live in a country where child molesters are the scum of the society. We have sexual offender registries, programs to help victims of sexual and child abuse, and shows like To Catch A Predator- but as soon as we find out that the accused is a man of the cloth, folks immediately start to claim "scandal" or "lies" as if predators can only be teachers with Justin Beiber haircuts and homeless men.

Hearing about Bishop Long reminds me why I've never had a strong religious background. Too often, I've seen people get so entangled in their belief in a higher power that they refuse to use common sense or focus on reality. I've seen these religious fanatics praise and put so much belief in a MAN, that they'll follow him even if he's done wrong. They can not fathom that their beloved pastor is a human being fully capable of making a mistake and :gasp: being GAY! Can gay people not love the lord or lead a church? That's right... being gay is a choice and if you choose to go against the Holy Bible then you cant really love the lord, or can you? I vote "Nonsense". There are plenty of gay people in the church- but that's another blog.

I've read some of his members say that "I know he wouldn't do a thing like that and I will continue to support him no matter what. The devil is a lie"

Soooo, you mean to tell me- that several people can make allegations this serious against a bishop and all he has to do is show up to his church rocking a beige Rush Hour 2 inspired suit and new toupee, say he's going to fight the allegations, claim this is an "attack" then put his microphone down like he's  Randy Watson and everyone is going to follow him through fire and brimstone like he's Jesus Christ III? That speech about being David vs Goliath?
My apologies if any of you are members of NBMC or if you have a pastor that likes to "lay hands" on the members of his congregation and you're offended by my thoughts BUT my advice to you is to follow your own beliefs and STOP PUTTING ALL OF YOUR FAITH IN A MAN.

My opinion is going to remain the same... So, what's yall's?

* I do not know the gay statistics of New Zealand and didnt even care to look them up but N.Z definitely sounds like the type of place you'd take someone if you didnt want anyone to know you were a minister knocking down boy backs.

Fancy Fridays...

Disclaimer: These pictures contain a high-level of sweetness (sugar) which may result in diagnosis of diabetes, copper deficiency, hypoglycemia, shock, comas, and even death -from laughter, of course-. NABCAS will not be liable for any damages. Please view at your own risk.

"Butta" Timbs BIG, fur BIG, sateen elbow length gloves BIG, fedora BIG, ivy in the background BIG = Frank Lucas Fancy

Chain BIG, matching earring BIG, pose BIG, size 9 pastry's BIG, lollipop EXTRA BIG = 5 Star Fancy

Sateen gloves BIG, 28 piece colorful tracks flip style BIG, matching tank top BIG, matching tutu Triple BIG, negro faking sleep in the background not so big (lose two points)= Tracy Morgan FANCY

shoutout to Freddyo, ykydaw and hot ghetto mess for making my day.

Khaki La'Hansen

While most of you sinners are spending your nights boo loving (borderline hating), clubbing or hanging out doing grown up shit, yours truly is up prowling the worldwide web for teenage panty sniffers and statutory rapists. Explanation needed? OK...

I'm a superhero... a cape crusader stomping out statutory rapists and perverts one penis at a time... ok- im just bullshitting... well, not really... i dont wear a cape but I've got a cool theme song to the tune of Ghostbusters.


Anyhooo -I get bored... often and I'm also heavily influenced by shit I see on TV. Not a good combo.I watch shows on TV and tell myself "Khaki, you could do that". Most times I cant. There was the time I called myself dissecting a chicken then forgot about it and woke up the next morning with my whole house smelling like a Chinese whore. Then there was the time I tried to back it up like the video hoes... but yall remember how that played out.


Anyway, one lonely ass night a few months ago, i'm watching something on CNN about some woman catching her husband prowling for teenage snackboxes (ahem: coochie) and i got the brilliant idea :pops collar: to do the same thing. I convinced myself that I could tackle online predators by setting up dudes attempting to stat rape like I was Chris Hansen.

Then I realized that portraying a 12 year old being hit on by a 30 year old was just sick and so not my cup of tea... but my idea was still brilliant and the ultimate solution to cure my Friday night boredom. At that moment, I decided to play a 16 year old girl minding my own business...


Whores and Whorettes, let me introduce you to.... Breeziminaj12- a naive 16 year old black girl from Baltimore that watches 106&park and sp3llz errythang l!k3 d!s . She rocks Pastry's and jeggings and guess who her idol is???? Wait for it... Wait for it... Nicki Minaj.

I cant show breezi's picture because, well, they're my cousin's and I need to use them again for future penis pounding so we'll use my favorite representation of a young black teenage girl.... Ms. Precious Jones.


Say "Hi" Precious...

Precious says Hi.


Now, I've had other identities... there was sexcilexi -the barefoot chubby faced white girl, Azianiis -a little Asian sophomore from Towson MD for the small penised man, and 00xBKangel - a snappy latina that stays home while her mother works 11 jobs. All of them 16... which, in my opinion, is old enough to make up their minds if they're going to participate in sexual activity or not yet young enough to prosecute ole man Charlie if he tries to penetrate.

let the games begin....
Blackplanet, 8/6/2010 10:13 PM

hudmodel: hey sweety
hudmodel: howru?
breeziminaj12: h! :) im fin3, how r u?
hudmodel im good- what you getting into tonight?
breeziminaj12: nuffin. My frenz are all out and Im stuck in da house.
breeziminaj12: on a friday sux :(
hudmodel: yea dats not cool.
breeziminaj12: I kno right
hudmodel07: well my name is dre, urz?
breeziminaj12: Iris
hudmodel: Iris your to pretty to be in da house by urself. u dont have a boyfriend?
hudmodel: and btw ur picz are
hudmodel: hot
breeziminaj12 thnks :) no boyfriend
breeziminaj12: u dnt look 2 bad urself
hudmodel: well thank you pretty lady. I do a little bit of modeling- gotta look good so i can make this paper to take care of you
breeziminaj12: tak3 care of me how?
hudmodel: ya kno- take you places, buy you the things that a gorgus woman like you should have
hudmodel: i can take care of you other ways but u not ready for that lol
breeziminaj12: lol u say that now
hudmodel: im serius
hudmodel: what do you like to do?
breeziminaj12: regla stuff... shoppin goin out wit my frenz goin out 2 eat
hudmodel: we can do that together
breeziminaj12: where do you live?
hudmodel: over west- near scutity
hudmodel: *security
breeziminaj12: i kno where dat iz- i stay ova east. near morgan
breeziminaj12: jst luked at ur profile again- ur 25?
hudmodel: damn you just looked at mine?
hudmodel: just look at pics then bounce huh?
hudmodel: i c how you are pretty lady
breeziminaj12: not at all
breeziminaj12: u dnt luk ur age
hudmodel: oic- u dnt either tho. does my age bother you
hudmodel: ?
breeziminaj12: nt at all. does mine bother u
hudmodel: nah, i can tell ur mature for your age and dats all that really matters

blah blah blah, how many brothers and sisters you got? blah, what school you go to blah blah blah

hudmodel: can you get out of the house or can you have company?
breeziminaj12: um i can get out of the house as long as im in the house by 7 when my grandmother gets off
breeziminaj12: wut do u wnt 2 do?
hudmodel: just chill
hudmodel: watch a movie
hudmodel: possibly fuck or eat your pussy
breeziminaj12: wow! gud thing im nt a virgin or nething
breeziminaj12: i couldve been insulted
hudmodel: bae im just telling you how i feel. grown man shit feel me?
breeziminaj12: i can respect that
hudmodel: so you coming to see me?
breeziminaj12: i can... r u cumin 2 get me
hudmodel: yeah in like an hour or so but i may not be able to get you back home.
hudmodel: i can give you hack or cab money tho
breeziminaj12: K
hudmodel: so whats your address and phone number?
hudmodel: text me ur info and ill be there in 45
breeziminaj12: ok, im bout to save your life
hudmodel: ????
breezieminaj12: you know that show "to catch a predator"? That show where Dateline or whoever sets up some silly dude by inviting him to a young girls house to get ass?
hudmodel: nah bt whut do u mean?
breeziminaj12: you couldve been on that show. you couldve shown up with yo dick halfway on the hard and been tackled by undercover police officers that monitored this whole conversation.
hudmodel: what?
breeziminaj12: :sigh: in retard terms- pls read carefully
breeziminaj12: I.am.not.16- i just play one on the internet ;) .... I work for Blackplanet's taskforce team for online sexual predators. We're like the pussy police so to speak and you, mr hudmodel, was 45 minutes from attempting to have sex with a minor... which is against the law and a violation of our website terms of usage. I would like to kindly remind you to think about your actions before attempting to communicate with a minor again. Your account is also being suspended indefinitely.
hudmodel: wtf? r u joking?
breeziminaj12: No, sir, not joking at all.


hudmodel has logged off

I go back to find him a few minutes later and, just like the ones before him, the account was closed and he no longer existed....

Now, I'm trying to decide if I should put a disclaimer on this post because I've had some readers take the things that i say the wrong way, call me ignorant and insensitive and... well, i just decided that i still gives not a fuck.