Monday, January 5, 2009

7 Ways to Get Back At Your Ex

Did you find out that your boo was creeping with your neighbor? Did the love of your life, all of the sudden, decide that the relationship was "just too much"? That bastard hurt you to your core and now he's out partying and tricking on hoes! What do you do??? Cry? Yup. Ball up in the corner and stare off into nothingness. Sure. Write "Why?" a hundred times on the bathroom mirror while "Not Gon Cry" is playing in the background. Uhm, Maybe... but... then.......... after all that... MAKE. HIM. PAY!

All too many times, relationships end on a bad note. Whether it's infidelity or the normal case of bitchassness, we've all experienced heartbreak from the one that we thought was "the one". Often, we, especially women, sit and think of what we can do to "get back" at that person for the hurt caused to us. You have the typical bust the car windows out (thank you Jazmine Sullivan for starting a trend that will surely get a girl's ass kicked) or leaving nasty messages on their answering machine. Let's be honest- busting someones window out or slashing tires is sooooo 90's and he'll just play the message for his friends to confirm that you are a "crazy pyschotic bitch". Either way- it's a waste of your time. Pretty much anything that involves stalking or messing up his car is wack and you'll just be ordered to pay legal and punitive damages later.

So, no, I am not condoning revenge but if you are going to do it, be creative and make it worth your time and effort.

Please note: The following acts should not be performed if, you want him/her back, there is a chance that you'll get back together, he goes to your church, you have to see him everyday or if you have a child with them. Basically, if there's a chance that he'll have an opportunity to slap the shit out of you, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER and don't say I didn't warn you.

7. Stink up the joint! Still have access to his place? Enter his apartment/home and stuff his vents, mattress, sofa, oven or anything that's easily concealed with rotten meat- preferably fish. His house will smell like fried dumpster for weeks.

Court worthy: Unless he has a protection order against you and you didn't break into his home, chances are, he can't/won't sue you.

6. It's better to give than to receive. His favorite pair of sneakers, the expensive leather jacket you gave him for Christmas, the 500.00 watch that he bought for himself but couldn't afford an engagement ring. What do they all have him common? THERE ALL THINGS THAT SOME POOR INDIVIDUAL WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE. Give that shit to someone that could really use it. There are thousands of people out there who are without clothing and a decent pair of shoes. Find a local shelter, rescue mission or Goodwill and take all of his "valuables" to one of the places.

Court Worthy: Just don't get caught. Technically, this is stealing so donate anonymously and don't try to get the receipt for the tax deduction.

5. Google Me, Baby: Want to expose the cheater? Got an hour of free time? I know you got the Internet. Use it. Set up a free blog/website dedicated entirely to the asshole that did you wrong. Make sure you find a good picture and use his name over, and over, and over again. The next time someone Googles his ass, they'll be quite surprise at all of the mean things Mr. Wonderful did to you and because its the Internet, it'll be there forever!

Court worthy: As long as it's all true, there ain't shit he can do about it That's the beauty of freedom of speech and the "defamation of character" law does not apply.

4. Personalized love: Take out a personal ad seeking "bi curious men who enjoy nasty fetishes, bondage and lots of butter" and make sure you give enough of your Ex's contact information (phone, email etc) and note to call between the hours of 11pm- 4am. There are a bunch of free sites that you can post ads on and you'd be surprised at the amount of crazy freaks there are looking for them.

Court worthy: No one will know it was you. Can't sue you if he cant prove it. Be careful not top leave anything that could come back to you.

3. Something's eating all my cheese?!?!? If you're not too afraid, still living with him and plan on leaving really soon, visit your nearest PetsMart or local pet store to purchase a few of the most annoying pests in the world... MICE. Most women are scared shitless of any kind of rodent but if you can find a ballsy homegirl or "play cousin" to get them for you, buy about 4 of them. 2 males and 2 females. Before you move out or if you have a key, dump them bad boys in his kitchen. He'll be annoyed for days, months or until he moves... or until the offspring die off.

Court worthy: Who said you dropped them off? Deny, deny, deny. He'll never suspect you and he'll be too busy trying to figure out what those little black things on his counter are.

2. You Got Mail: Send your ex hunny a nice little letter... from the HEALTH DEPARTMENT stating that his name was given by a woman with AIDS who listed his name as an "at risk" partner. I know it's mean, blah blah, fricking blah BUT if this guy cheated on you, it's quite possible that he would've given you something. In my sick and twisted mind that's karma for that ass. On the up side, if he's decent, he'll go get tested.

Court Worthy: As far he knows, that letter came from the State Department of Health.

1. Be Fabulous!: There is no better revenge than becoming a better you. Eventually, your Ex will see what he/she is missing out on and will regret hurting you. The guilt and regret will eat at them and they may even try to rekindle the flame. So, drop those last 10 lbs. Purchase a new "recession-easy" wardrobe. Get a makeover! Whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself and become a better person, DO IT.

Court Worthy: There ain't a court in United States that will make you pay for being a better you.


Beauty through broken glass said...

this is some good advice, I wish I knew these things to get back at my room mate when I left (fyi he is a boy) this would have been lovely. I'll keep them in mind though.

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