Thursday, March 11, 2010

Someone got their taxes back and became American Gangsta

I'm standing in a long ass line waiting to purchase movie tickets for Shutter Island when suddenly I catch a glimpse of someone that I've seen before. I couldn't quite place it... I felt like I've seen this before...

I squint a little harder and try to make out what I see not even 30 feet from me. Half animal , half man... it's mufuckin Frank Lucas rocking a full length fur coat with the matching hat looking a hot Earned Income Credit Mess.

I bust out laughing and the Agent asks me what I'm laughing at. I tell him "I spy Frank Lucas" and we both bend over in the kind of laughing that leaves your stomach in knots.

I have nothing against fur and I think the folks of PETA are borderline insane so the fact that he's draped in the fur of 32 dead premature and lab tested Koala bears doesn't disturb me at all. It's the 4 children that are with him rocking some regular ass gear that I find a little off. I couldn't figure out why in 58 degree weather would a "father" take his children to the movies wearing some discount ass fur. Nor could I figure out why he looked like Sunday night at Studio 64 and they looked like the commercial of CitiTrends.

So, of course, I stand in line and try to guess how this came about and this is what I came up with. Follow me through my demented story time... We'll call the man Furly Earl. Why? Besides the obvious, I think the name Earl is funny and it just so happens that every mufugga I know named Earl aint shit so... yeah, Furly Earl.

Furly Earl has 4 or 5 children. Baby mama wasn't working or was working and could only claim 3 of the children to get the earned and child tax credits so she decided to let Furly claim one of the children. Furly goes to the nearest makeshift, get a refund in 8 hours, subway shop of a tax preparer in an area that only the border-hoppers dwell in with little Earls social security number written on the back of a cigarette carton.

A half mexican-half Jamaican man named Junebug Santino prepares Furly Earl's taxes and tells him that with his child as a tax exemption, he can get back over $5000.00. Ecstatic, Furly Earl jumps up and does the homeboy boogie and tells Junebug to take the 700.00 fee for the rapid refund and he'll wait the 8 hours for the return.

Furly's stomach is in knots as he's waiting for his tax loan. He's pondering what he's going to do with all of the money. Pay bills? Get rims? Buy back Little Earls 360 from the pawn shop? He doesn't know.

He's taking back every time he wished that he would've pulled out of his baby mama. After all, if it wasn't for him basting her fertile turkey with his super sperm, there would'nt be a big refund like this! After the wait, Junebug comes out and tells Earl that his refund is going to be 5000 and asks if he would like his refund back in cash or on a pre-paid debit card. Furly tells him "Gimme my shit in cash nucca. Few 100's; mostly 20's. I wanna take pictures for my Facebook page".

As Furly leaves the subway shop/tax preparer, he passes by a man leaning against a hot dog cart. The guy is dressed like Sweet Daddy Williams from Good Times and he's chewing on a toothpick.

"Ay main man! Whats up with those rags?" asks Sweet Daddy

"I don't know. What you mean?" responds Furly Earl

"Nigga, you dressed like you didn't just cash a fat check. That's what I mean. Come on over to my store and I'll give you a good price on some shit like mine" says Sweet Daddy pointing to his colorful furn and matching leisure suit fresh from a 70's blaxploitation movie.
"Where's your store?" questions Furly.

The ex-pimp walks to the hot dog cart and pulls out a long grey fur coat and matching hat.

Furly grabs it and asks "How much?"

"How much you got?".
Furly pulls out his envelope and says "5,000".

Pimp says "Well, I normally sell them for 5500.00 but I can give it to you for 4900".

Furly never refused a good deal so he hands the man all of his money minus the 100.00 that was left and strolls off with the rat fur. He's holding his last 100.00 bill and feeling bad about not paying off his Rent-A-Center leather sofa or paying back his past due rent. His children are going to be disappointed because Furly Earl promised to buy them all a pair of sneakers.

He walks through the front door holding his fur and his children run up and ask "Daddy are we going to the mall to get our sneakers?"

"Nooooo.... we're not going to the mall to shop buuuuttttt we are going to the mall to see Alice in Wonderland!" says Furly Earl as he looks in the faces of the children that he created. "isn't that exciting?" asks Furly Earl.

The little one puffs out his chest and says "Man, you still aint shit!".

And then Agent asked me something that stopped my daydreaming.

Moral of the story: None... I just hate tax time and dumb ass people.


Eury said...

HILARIOUS! Im following you, so follow me back @socialcarnivore

Young Educated Black Male said...

Now this shit funny. There's two time I could tell when niggaz had money and that refund time at school and income tax time. I remember during refund check time you would see niggaz mounted up on 22's or better...never failed for the beginning of fall semester because it was still summer....shit tax time came around at home and niggaz got rims, new fits, and everything else...lmao...gotta love refunds.

Krissy said...

I hate that people spend that tax money on dumb shit is what I hate. UGH! Like seriously fix up ur place or pay ur car note down or out some away for savings but don't go buy a bunch of bullshit like seriously.

eaglebird said...

LTMS!you got me in tears over here for real the type you try hold your laugh in but they just keep coming lls,I swear you need to be getting $paid$ for this shit,this on some chappelle show/boondocks material...I know where to come when I need a good laugh,you be off some other type shit only you can makeup! ltms

NC17 said...

"does the homeboy boogie" *dead. lmao this is the best blog ever

Rock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rock said...

Dead on Khack. I'm mad old boy came out looking like Jerome from Martin in a vagina furred inmitation chinchilla. LOL. Let's not forget the women buying those "assistant" Coach bags with their checks either.

I can't front, even being an Ivy League Grad I've pondered between using Income Tax to eliinate bad debt and copping a new Jesus Piece. What? Don't judge me, I' still a nigga. LOL.

Anyway, this year I paid off some student loans. I'm already 2 Jesus pieces deep. LOL.

I will NEVER, Eva eva, eva eva, eva (smokey Voice), however, wear some hogwash tomfoolery like that coat-hat combo...Khacki would never go out with me dressed like that. ;)

Kingsmomma said...

LMAO. this was hilarious. Slap Agent for interrupting.

and I don't know about koala bear, that looks like straight subway rat.

*stacie-ann said...

lmao@ that story. girl. you. are. a. mess. i think its absolutely rediculous what people do with their money on tax time.

me personally, i took my lil refund and fixed my credit. i felt like a real person after that. i wanted to do the ghetto black bitch thing & get a new whip but, my credit was in DIRE need of some help.

kinda regret it. wish i woulda got that new car, but its the responsible thing to do.

&& i bet dude thought he was DOIN IT wit that "fur" on. lol. i mean. he coulda left the matching hat at the cribbbb && he woulda been ALRIGHT. but the coat & the hat? lmao. get it. i guess.

BrownSugarBabe said...

this was too funny!

AudaciousTori said...

Hillarious great blog by the way

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