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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bitches with kids?



I wasn’t going to write today but after reading one of my guilty pleasures' post on quitting bitches with kids, I felt compelled to write about the very same topic.

Today, I read one of the most... blunt, stereotypical and borderline ignorant opinions on women with children that I have ever read in my life. While some things made me giggle and I always admire honest opinions, the post still irritated the hell out of me. You hear of men and women not wanting to date someone with children for fear of baby daddy/baby mama drama all the time so that doesn’t surprise me especially since, in a lot of cases, that seems to be the norm.

The two other reasons had me saying "hmmm, this muthafucka is either an idiot or trying the shock jock shit to get hits" and led me to this question: Are there really men that won’t date women with children because (1) most women with children "aint shit" and (2) because the child is a constant reminder of previous sex without prophylactics?

I’m really sitting here wondering if my son, who means more to me than any man, is a red flag or a negative indication that I am an "aint shit bitch" that should be avoided. Do men look at my kid and say “she must be a ho” or “I like her but every time I see lil nigga I see her sexin some dude raw”?

Again, I recognize that some people are going to see having a baby daddy/mama as unavoidable drama and I would never date a guy that was a terrible father to his own kids BUT I can’t say that I would look at any man or woman as someone's leftovers or damaged goods simply because they have a child. You look at someone’s kid and only see them as a creation of unprotected sex??? Nigga, please.

In a country plagued by high divorce rates, teenage pregnancy and an immeasurable amount of children born out of wedlock, I find it very difficult to place a stereotype on, what seems to be, most of the women in America. I, unlike most of my friends, grew up in a two parent household where we all shared the same mother and father. My parents were married for almost 30 years and in the "hood" that was unheard of so I always got the "damn, yall all got the same daddy?" question from kids in school.  I’d meet guys in college that would tell you outright that they would not wife a girl with kids or would have some immature outlook on a woman with children. Ironically, the same men that deemed women with children as hoes or sluts were the same ones, at graduation, thanking their mother for single handedly raising them to be the men that they were today.

After my son's father and I called off our engagement and decided to part ways after a 4 year relationship, I was fucked up inside. The normally happy and confident Khaki morphed into a depressed and insecure version of me. I felt that no one would want me... I felt unattractive and, most of all, I was upset with myself for becoming a 'statistic'. I knew that there would be a lot of narrow-minded men that would overlook who I was as a person once they found out I had a son. That troubled me for a while until I met someone that told me this: There is nothing else more attractive than a woman that can balance a home, career and motherhood on her own. That statement changed me and its something that I will always remember.

I don’t believe that most women that have children "aint shit". There are many successful, cultured, intelligent, beautiful women that work and take care of their children without a man in the household. I admire single mothers and single fathers and I do not pass judgment or make asinine assumptions about them either. I respect any man that could find that much love in his heart to not only love and accept a woman’s child but also become a father figure to that child. Unfortunately, yes, there are a lot of fucked up baby mama/baby daddy situations out there but not everyone lives under such circumstances. My past relationships and my son are apart of me and has contributed to the woman that I am today but they are not the sole meaning of who I am as a woman.

I can not change anyone’s views and I don’t try to. Any man that would overlook my character and not want to date me because of my child wouldn’t pass my list of requirements anyway so a fuck I do not and would not give. I respect preference and detest ignorance.





Please speak on it....
Let me add: I still like Nappyheaded Bros... all of em... even the one that wrote the post Taka Flacka Flame <--- yes, still homo.

17 comments:

Monique said...

Being a single mother, I can vouch for being difficult to date with a child. Granted I'm not in the market to date but I have received the side eye and the walk away when a male counterpart would discover that I had a child. *shrugs*. I know I'm a statistic but I'm also a statistic in a good way: a single mother, with a masters degree and a CAREER. I'm not downplaying my need for a man, my son's father and I have a great relationship. I need a man in a my life. I'm lucky that I currently have to good ones (my son and his father).

I hate that men will pass up good women because they have children. So what? How many childless women have dated men with kids without hesitation? It's a stupid double standard but so is most of life. If a man can't accept my son with open arms, then he surely can't get me.

Fabnay said...

There a lot of immature females having babies because the media makes it look good. There are also a lot of females having babies in hopes of keeping their baby daddy in their lives. - These kind of women mess it up for the rest of us.
Men fail to see that women also have babies out of pure love for the man they had the child with, however the relationship did not work out. That does not mean that a guy should run from them. But, if a guy is that narrow minded to leave a female on just the pure knowledge that she has a child then that man is not strong enough to be with her. She needs to just move on and find a more educated man. The more educated the less ignorant.

SinfulLyo said...

ugh. fuck whatever post you're talking about. men are always trying to tear women down. fuck them, in case they forgot they came from a VAGINA.

ok single mothers "ain't shit"? how do you figure? MOST single mothers have no choice but to play multiple roles for their child(ren). so unless working multiple jobs to put food on the table equates to not being shit, dude needs to STFU.

your son's a walking reminder that you had unprotected sex? maybe you used a condom and it broke. either way it ain't nobody's damned business. the nerve of a nigga to give a woman the side eye like he's been the poster child for safe sex. if that really is a guys MAIN concern then ask her to go get tested: end story.

ugh i'm done babbling. no your son's not a deterrent if anything your situation probably attracts more men to see how well you've got yourself together! GO GIRL!!!

Epitome said...

I read that blog post this AM and m initial reaction to it was "that's some bullshit" and then I sat back and reflected on it and really after a minute or three I saw where he was coming from.

And that's coming from a single mother.

We all have preferences on what we like, short, tall, skinny, fat, light, dark...his view was no different in my opinion. Like monique said it is hard to date women with kids...its already hard to date on general really and a young man with no children may not wanna sign up for that...can't fault him for that.

khaki la'docker said...

Of course, im all for preferences and wont knock anyone who has standards... just thought that the post was a bit offensive. Im sure that other men feel the same way and thats actually whats even more disturbing.

luvlymskrissy said...

Yea everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I can say I can't get offended about something that doesn't apply to me. I know full well I'm not an "ain't shit" woman. I also know that there are plenty of men who would date me ( if I were looking for one) even with a child. She and I are a package deal. The man I am with knows that and he's accepted her since before she was born. He doesn't look at me like I was a jizz storage bin for my ex. He looks at me like a great woman and wonderful mother and someone he is proud to have on his arm. As well as a little girl he calls his. For me, a man who would pass me by because I have a child was never a candidate for me to begin with.

I do get why you were offended though Khaki. It sounds like a bunch of ol bullshyt to me.

NightFall914 said...

I'll speak on this cuz some of the most important females in my life are single mothers. I personally don't think ANYTHING similar to the b.s that was said about being reminded of unprotected sex. We're adults we've all done it before.

As for single mothers not being "shit" that too is a horrible generalization ......it may apply to some but not enough that I assume it.

I will say I'm more aware of certain things that I simply cant deal with when it comes to single moms but everyone starts off equally.

I will not act like some single mothers ARE NOT partnership material for me but again its about that person and not painting everyone with a broad brush.

Single females at my age are getting more and more rare but hey it is what it is.That's no reason to be disrespectful.

eaglebird said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rock said...

Glad something got you back to writing. I told Taka Flock to post that so I could pick your brain. Love ya Khack.

-Show "Rock your world"

khaki la'docker said...

@eaglebird- dude, you stay deleting your comments as if I dont already read them. :sigh:... It was a good one so i think im going to repost it for you LOL


@ Rock- i saw the title a week or two ago (could be 3??? not counting) come up on Blogger but then it was deleted so ive actually been waiting for it.... I DONT LIKE YOU!

Eyes on the prize said...

Hey Khaki!

I love this post and I love the way you write! But lemme talk from the perspective of a woman with no kids. Let me tell u, it ain't no difference. You are NOT more likeable or marketable because you roll solo. Some guys think I am an alien, weird, or I hate kids because I don't have any. My family thinks the same thing too - "What you don't like kids?" Hell some people who have kids probably wish they didn't sometimes. It's like because I don't have a kid I have no proof that I no has ever loved or wanted me. Real talk.

You are gonna get knocked off the list for one thing or another ...the kid thing, the age thing, the race thing, the fat thing, no ass/too much ass, the career thing, you live too far/you live too close, your hair is too short/too fake/too nappy, teeth too f*cked up, too many cavities. Ah, you get my point right. LOL.

Gurl...whateva. Please forgive me for being too long winded (oh add that to the list above too!)

*wink

Eyes on the prize said...

^^ DISCLAIMER:

Those were just examples!

ChattiiCathii said...

very, very well put.

eaglebird said...

Lls.. My bad I wasnt trying to delete it I got a jumpy index/point&click finger and my laptop mouse be getting O.C for no reason!

Alovelydai said...

Love Eyes on the Prize's comment!

I dated a gut that thought something was wrong with me because I actually got along well with my daughter's fathers entire family. Kinda like if you like him so much why aren't y'all together. Really? So I should be leaving dog shyt on his porch???

*stacie-ann said...

i concur. thats is all.

Don said...

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth @ There is nothing else more attractive than a woman that can balance a home, career and motherhood on her own.

In the end, after all has been said and done, this is the woman who wears the crown.

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