Tuesday, May 4, 2010

How to Not Get Stabbed in the Throat: A Womans Guide to Avoiding Ignant Niggas

Ms. Eyes on the Prize asked a very good question in the comments section of the last post: " So WTF are we supposed to do?". Walk away? No, then he'll shoot you in the knees or call you a dumb bitch before spitting on you. Cuss him out? Absolutely not! The hoodlum would probably stab you in the throat with a rat tail comb and no one wants to be stabbed in the throat.

As the Mr. said previously, there is nothing wrong with a guy approaching you or "trying to holla". However, we aren't talking about the respectful regular guys that can take "no" for an answer. Today, we're going to go over some safety tips and rebuttals for those 78 degrees and over Ignant Niggas. Take out your notepad... or copy, paste and send this as a chain letter to all of your girlfriends. We're trying to save lives.

If you ever find yourself about to become a possible victim of hollarassment remember this word


I: Ignore- Novice I.N : This one is tricky and it takes time and practice to become a pro at nicely ignoring someone. The last thing you want to do is come off as a bougie bitch by looking at the I.N's then ignoring them. ironically, they don't like to be disrespected by being disregarded so doing so will usually end up with obscenities and/or violence. Simply put: preoccupy yourself = nicely ignoring. If you see yourself about to encounter an I.N or, worse, a GROUP of I.N's, pull out your cell phone and call somebody. I don't care who it is... call your grandmother, your auntie...shit, call the movie hot line or local carry out. Whatever you do... look busy, seem engaged in your conversation and don't give the I.N's any eye contact. Yeah, you'll feel like an idiot for laughing ridiculously loud at the pre-recorded time but you still have your face intact, now don't you? This will usually get you away from being approached by the novice.

G: Go the other way- Unless you are absolutely, positively stuck go the other way. Avoid, avoid, avoid. As soon as you see any sign of warm weather, put your "Ignant Nigga" radar on and when it starts beeping slowly and letting you know there's imminent danger, go the other way. Now is not the time to "keep it real". You wont look like a bitch by avoiding the thugs selling bootleg DVD's. As long as you look busy on your fake phone call laughing like you've never heard that joke before, they'll just think you changed your mind. Doesn't matter that you're a punk bitch and you cant pay for your gas... you're a punk bitch with no bullet holes and that's all that matters.

N: Nice Smile- Intermediate I.N's: There will come a time when you're caught off guard by an Intermediate Ignant Nigga. You wont be able to phone a friend, pick a clue or ask the audience... no lifelines just you and the Ignant Nigga. One of these times will be in the club- where the Ignant Niggas seem to be in sporadic clusters everywhere. They're unavoidable so if, and when, you get approached by one... give them a nice smile and go on about your business. Smile should be just enough to let them know that you recognize them--- 6 teeth maximum. Too little of a smile and you'll seem scared which you probably are BUT I.N's live off of fear so show no signs of fear. Remember 6 teeth only. Go head and be brave and show all your fronts, and then when you deny them, end up with none. if they see more than the 6, they see pussy. Don't question me. Head tilt- OK but body language should still speak "I'm just trying to be nice and not get robbed or shot". The Intermediate I.N will catch a hint and realize that there is too much pussy to be chased to worry about yours and will usually walk away defeated but not violent.

A: Acknowledge and Listen: SuperIgnant Niggas- The super Ignant Niggas are not going to read your body language. Most of them cant even read so they will go on with their lame lines, requests for your number and not even notice that you are backing away slowly. More than likely, if they're with their boys, you wont even be able to back away because they'll have you surrounded like pit bulls around kitten. So, do what you have to do... acknowledge him and listen to what he has to say. If he's trying to "holla", take him out of his routine and extend your arm for a handshake. Listen to whatever it is that he's trying to say. Don't blow him off. Plain and simple- be nice but not too nice. Hear him out and go to the next step.

N.No... T. Thank You: After he's offered to take you to the motel or commented on your phat ass, its time for the rebuttal. Don't go getting long-winded with excuses an shit. "i have a man/woman" means nothing to the ignant nigga. He's going to ask you if you can have friends. If youre dumb, youre going to say No and then... the ignance is going to start. I.N's are simple therefore your rebuttal should be the same. If I'm in the club, I'll hit a dude with "Sorry, but Im not here for looking for anyone; just trying to be here for my homegirl who's going through a rough time. Thank you coming over here though" smile, walk away and SAFE. Whatever you say, begin it with some form of "no" and end it with a "thank you". No one is going to hit you with a beer bottle if you're polite. Well, maybe them Wire niggas but you'll never run into them unless you live on the block so you're safe.

and just because I care... here's three more tips for you.

Stop claiming gay unless youre really gay or paid your gay dues: Now, I don't use the "I'm Gay" excuse for two reasons... 1. I'm not gay and gay people work too hard to be gay for me just to claim gayness to avoid unwanted penis. Eh, I got morals an' shit. and 2. Most I.N's don't care. Most of them would invite you and your girl. Then, if you get the Super I.N's, you could end up like the ending of Women of Brewster's Place with some thug trying to change your sexuality with forceful penis. No, maam - I'm good. I would say that if you can pull it off, go for it.

Turn the music up: I fucking hate red lights for this reason: I.N's will disrupt your traveling to say something ignant to you and you cant do shit without getting a 75.00 red light ticket. Two options: pace your slow down to avoid coming up side to side with them or turn your music up loud enough to drown them out. The key is to see them before they see you and already have your music up so you wont seem like you're trying to ignore them. Remember, politely ignoring = no stitches. I've heard of niggas throwing piss filled bottles into a chicks car so don't think because you can speed off you wont be disrespected.

Giving out wrong numbers is old school: I.N's have gotten hip to the whole "give a nigga the wrong number"play. They'll ask you to call their phone so they can store you or they'll dial your shit while you stand there. Now try walking back to your car after you just lied to an ignant nigga. Best bet is to not give in. Now, if you feel like this mufucka isnt going to budge and you fear for your life, go ahead and give him your number but make sure you take his so you know when to not pick up. If he's pressed and calls you from a different number, you can always hang up or stop answering. I wouldnt do that to someone that you may run into frequently though.

This is an excerpt from the higly anticipated best seller "A Womans Guide to Avoiding Ignant Niggas" by Khaki La'Docker. Copies will be on Craigslist for all those interested in the full copy.
Coming to a corner store near you: Khaki's Decoy Kit for Avoiding Ignance.


SinfulLyo said...

lmfao! FUCK WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT! I'M GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY hahaha. my morals are limited :] and this six tooth smile business?!?! I OBJECT hahaha smiling is sending the wrong signal in my opinion. if you feel the need to smile a think no teeth is the way to go. stick with a mean mug or blank face! love you khaki but i ain't having none of this shit haha

khaki la'docker said...

Woman I'm not mean mugging no man I can't possibly fight or outrun. Good shit... ill smile and power walk away from a nigga so fast. 6 teeth max.. basically top row. You start showing bottoms and gums that's when they get comfortable. U stick to the gay shit with ur no moral having 69% ass.... gotta let me know when ur in bmore lol

JStar said...

LMAO@this list....You are sooo on point!!! So far, the boyfriend thing being presented with a half of a smile has worked for me...If i get that desperate I will tell them that I dont have a phone to give me their number I dunno...Havent thought this deeply into it...But I am always nice because I remember a girl getting shot when I was a young teenager in SE, DC for not giving her number out...In an area that I was all the time too...Yea, I cant do the gay thing because that turns men on even more...They wanna join...Shit if I get desperate, I will tell them I have Herpes or Aids or something dang...and if they hit me with they got it too...I am gonna run and run as fast as I can while praying LOL

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

I don't use the "I'm gay" line either, simply because I feel like it would backfire. If it were a normal guy trying to holla it might work, but an I.N. has no morals/respect....he won't give a damn! I have given my number to a guy when I knew damn well my phone was cut off, so he may have called but I didn't know about it lol

Steph said...

I had to laugh at the gay line. I used that a lot a few years ago and it hardly ever worked. Another line that doesnt work is "I'm only 15" because these dudes don't care.

Usually if I see a bunch of dudes, I get on my phone with ANYBODY. and if they try to holla, I say I'm talking to my man and keep it moving. I find that works the best.

Epitome said...

My full proof and I mean it has NEVER failed me.

"Aww that's sweet but I'm married." (flash ring finger which would hold a ring)

Might be because I live in the south and generally they respect the sanctity of that. If there's any further convo I continue with,

"How would you feel if your wife stepped out on you, I can't do that."

They nod their head and usually respond with...

"You right shorty, it's rare to find women like you..."

I don't know, maybe it's my tone, maybe it's my body language, I don't know, but that "Ise married" line works everytime for me.

SinfulLyo said...

Lol I can't lie I flash my ring finger on occasion as well :) I try to be bmore bound for my bday so mid august! Power walking is best. Investing in an ipod doesn't hurt...or just scratch your kitty uncontrollably lmfao. Let me take my simple ass to bed!

Rock said...


This shit maks me never wanna holla again.

I'm just gonna start my own dating site...I'ma call it G-Harmony.

That'll be Gangsta. Word.

C 4 said...

Very well done Khaki. You are a humanitarian, saving lives like Mother Theresa.

I would ammend the tooth count on the smile only because people's mouths are shaped differently and under diress an inappropriate amount of teeth may get shown.

Therefore I'd be safe and say toothless smile every time, because the closed mouth smile can look friendly but it can never be construed as more than politeness. Even the most ignant like myself wasted at 3am gets that signal.

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

LMAO at this list! I need a ring to flash like Epitome. I'm good at faking being busy though. This blackberry can do the most and I'll pretend to be so interested in whatever it has going on just to avoid eye contact with those fools.

khaki la'docker said...

@sinfullyo- i know you not flashing your bathing suit on my blog taking the attention away from me?!?!?!? anyway- def let me know when the plans are definite so i can take you to the jungle. lets see how your "im gay" shit works on them niggas. LOL

@Rock - you shouldnt be on G-harmony, or any other gangsta dating site when youre unhappily married.

@c-4--- another nappyheaded bro made his way! yes, i am like mother theresa. Wishing someone would recognize that and give me an award.

P.S i cant give a toothless smile because I have big cheeks and doing so makes me look like a damn balloon. trust me, that look is not avatar worthy.

Traci Lavette said...

Love this Avoiding Ignant Niggas 101you just laced us with.

I have already exercised a few of these at various times! Hilarious! Good to know I'm following protocol LOL!

Red light...done it more times than I can remember. Stupid is they dumb asses tryin to yell over the music. "shut the fuck up and realize I ain't interested!" is what I want to say to them. Walking past and gettin on a call...Been there, done that. That's the automatic! And that shit works across so many other avenues too!

simone_dior said...

you complete me. dyin laffn!

Frankie said...

I've done it all...

-I have a bf who lives with me and pays my bills. He's very jealous and would beat me up if I had male friends.
-I'm married. I even had a fake ring.
-I'm gay (they usually wanna watch or join). I say that I have a jealous butch gf.
-I've said that I'm pregnant.
-I've said that I was underage. It never works cuz I've always looked older and these tits aint foolin nobody.
-I'm really a man (veryyyyyy dangerous).
-I have an STD (also dangerous)
-I live in Texas and I'm just visiting for the weekend
-I have pretended I don't speak English. I stopped doing this when I was 17 and a guy started speaking spanish to me.
-I've pretended I was deaf

The list goes on, but I usually try to wear ear phones. it's still a challenge cuz some people think you can hear with ear phones on.

Bee said...

This post was funny as hell!!

Anonymous said...

The mean mugg always works for me. When I walk into a crowd of Negros my scowl is too cold for any of them to say much of anything to me except, "Damn you look mean". That's the damn point Negros! I don't want you to talk to me!

Epiphany said...

i definitely had just copied and pasted this to my notes on facebook.

but my favorite one is to just keep looking forward, make no eye contact and to act like my iphone is on high blast (i don't blow my eardrums for anything lol). and if they say something just keep walking. and i think to myself "i know this fool see my earphones" :)

SinfulLyo said...

lmFao omg i'm laughing too hard. for one, i was just sharing my big girl find because finding a cheap supportive bathing suit is impossible so :-P and secondly EFF YOU! trying to serve me on a platter so some hyenas smh i thought we was homies! lmao i quit you!!!

Ms. Behaving said...

::snatchin' up my pen and takin' notes:: LOL

These are some really good pointers!!!

*stacie-ann said...

lol. you are wild. i've done it all girl. && these ignant ass niggas still don't get the point. lol @ giving the wrong number and them asking for me to call them so they can store it. the next step after that is "oh its disconnected right now--im on the way to pay it--call in like 5 mins." hahahahaha.

but they don't holla no more. im too fat. lol! i loveee you for this girl.

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