Wednesday, May 26, 2010

National Ge-Hographic: Bird Watching Pt 1

:in my hood rat Aussie accent: Ay there- it's Khaki Irwin here to take you on an exciting bird watching adventure around the world!

Skip the lameness. I bet you all thought that I had no hobbies besides blogging, sexting attempts and shopping. Well, you thought wrong! One of my favorite past-times of the summer is... BIRD WATCHING! No, no, no... not chirp, chirp, flying in the air birds that shit on your head for no fucking reason. Stank ass, gutter butt, flat back hood rat women a.k.a birds. :sigh: There's nothing more exciting than seeing these birds trying to outshine... well, everybody.

Whether you're at the club, gas station, movie theater, mall, beauty salon, church , there's always a good chance that you're going to run into a bird justa standing there popping their bubblegum while having a loud ass conversation on a pre-paid with another bird. Free entertainment and exposure to wild life... Whoo Hoo!

Now, before you start yelling at me for judging a book by its cover, please understand that I truly do not give a fuck what you say. Sometimes a cover is all you need to see to know that you dont want any parts of the inside. Most covers actually give some kind of clue as to the content of the story, no? You ever went to Barnes and Noble and saw a book with rabbits on it but opened it to only find out that it's about communism? I didnt think so. This isn't about reality- this is about perception.
so moving on...

How to Spot a Bird
1. If the first thing you notice is some outrageous, loud and clowned out Bronner Bros hairstyle complete with multi-colored layers and candy wrappers....BIRD!

2. Check out her nails... are they chipped, cracked with ragged edges like steak knives or bedazzled like a 80's denim jacket? BIRD!The bird uses her super long acrylic nails covered in rhinestones to grab various dicks, forty ounces and whatever else she preys on.
I love pretty nail designs as much as the next girl but a bird always goes too damn far.

3. Scan down to the feet... EAGLE TOES!!!!! She wanted to wear her homegirl's shoes so bad that she didn't care that they were 3 sizes to small.

4. Ill-fitted clothing: If she's rocking some booty shorts that expose her sunshine and her moonlight or her speed bump gut and silly putty titties are exposed: BIRD! It's never acceptable for a woman to look like she's fresh off the hoe stroll unless, well, she's fresh off the hoe stroll. If it's a Sunday afternoon and you see <-----this walking through the mall... you've got yourself a certified clucker!

5. Facebook/Myspace pictures: Sometimes you'll run into a B.I.D- BIRD IN DISGUISE. She seems nice and classy. Shoes arent leaned over and her nails are a nice short length that could signify that she works in an office environment, then you check out her Facebook page and she's mentioning how she'd like to buy some high-heeled Jordans in one of her statuses (ha!) or you see this in her "i dont give a fuck picture album"---> Pretty girl with bird flu. :( Pretty much any girl that takes ass/crotch shots or middle finger pictures to post on Facebook is a BIRD.

6. Accessories: Plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces? Color-coordinated ere'thang? Gucchay ere'thang? BIRD!!!!

7. Shoes: My momma always told me that you can tell a good man by his shoes. I'm pretty sure that goes for women too. If she's proudly rocking any of the following, she's a bird: shoes that aren't flip flops that were purchased on a hanger, clear heels, high-heeled anything that shouldn't be high-heeled (damn, i hate those things), those pointy toe plastic pumps that Wet Seal sells, and home-made red bottoms.

8. If she has baby powder on her neck or deodorant balls under her arms.... BIRD!

9. If she rocking a plastic weave, obvious lace front, or she trying to cover up a track line... BIRD!

10. If she has a random baby phat, designer logos, fruit, animal, dick or mineral tattoos etched across every part of her body, SHE'S A BIRD!

Now, if you're still unsure of how to spot a bird, let's do a test. Look at this picture spot the bird shit.


While unlikely, this girl could be a Harvard graduate with a 5 figure salary, but because she looks like a bird... eh, she's a bird.

Notice the hairy pits? That's a sign of poor hygiene: CHECK

The 99 cents headband covering the obvious track line? You cant see the track line but, trust me, it's there. Why else would a woman rock a headband in that position over her head with a bang? That's not a hairstyle; its a cover up for nothing but lies! Only a bird would do such a thing: CHECK!


Barefoot and popping ass on a dirty club floor? CHECK!

Plastic jewlery? CHECK and CHECK

Outfit from the clearance rack at Rainbow? CHECK!

and just for the hell of it... Spot those cheap plastic bubblegum pumps that come on the hanger and ole' girl chilling on the floor like she watching Saturday cartoons? BOTH BIRDS.

Part 2... coming soon


Anonymous said...

'Outfit from the clearance rack at Rainbow'


I can't wait for part 2.

Alovelydai said...

"Pretty girl with the bird flu" Done...damn part 2...u need to start piecing the book together. I'll edit that ish!

Seriously, one day I sat & read the majority of your joke...I think u have a great POV & wit that needs to be heard outside of this blog!

Lynn Holiday said...

You are hilarious! LMAO @ baby powder on the neck.

simone_dior said...

miss khaki-- this was a MASTERPIECE!!!!!!! This should be made into a pamphlet, placed in bathroom stalls at clubs and planned parenthood. lawd!!!!

Krissy said...

lmao smh. Ms.Khaki sometimes i think you have way too much time on ur hands! lmao Loves it tho.

AtruHollywood said...


UglyCleanBroke87 said...

OMG I HATE chest tattoos on women. It makes them look so....bird-like. And lmao at the "B.I.D." Thank you for this post, it gave me all the life I needed on a rainy day.

.MochaSista. said...

hit that shit dead on the head i couldnt have said it better myself! lol

Show said...

Oh Em Geee.

Shawty with the middle finger on the toilet was fine though. LOL.

At the risk of being labeled a Fish Hopper I will tell you this had me in homo.

Other bird indicators include:

Paying for your meal with an H&R Block Card.

Owning a Rush Card.

Wearing Chinese slippers while not being able to spell Karate.

Fake coach bags...Like come on...the real shits dont even cost that much.

Love ya wifey.


*stacie-ann said...

i agree wit simone. um. please create a pamphlet or a mini-book and just pass 'em bitches out.

you are a mutha fuckin fool.

NC17 said...

WTF this is the greatest guide to spotting racthetness ever! I saw a #10 at the mall last week lol.

Eyes on the prize said...


After reading this post everytime I see one of these chicks I will be saying that word in my head.



But what I really hate to see are
"BIRDS IN TRAINING" - you know, those little pre-teens that walk around like are they are practicing for Miss Teen Martin Luther King Drive. Tight pants, neon or glitter belt, big ol' Chaka Khan weave, and one of those little t-shirts from Delia's.

So irritating.


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