Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Edited due to Rock Hijacking: Another Adventure in Bird Watching- Part 2

I needed a break..... damn job was stressing me out. My lack of summer dick is fucking depressing.... my son went away for 3 weeks and the IRS recently informed me that someone in Texas stole my identity which will take me months to clear up. yeah, shit is fucked up. However, even with all that being said, i still found the silver lining and continued to.....


These birds were out in full force this memorial day weekend. Wet Seal and Rainbow must've had a 2 for one deal on plus sized biker shorts, tank tops and jellies because I swear I saw three precious-like pigeons rocking the same torn legging shorts and glittered Baby Girl tank top like they were Sasha mufuggin Fierce. I soooo wanted to take pics this weekend and i swear that was the plan but... er uh... what had happened was Gary Coleman died..... and then.... so... i didn't get pictures BUT what I do have for you is another bird watching adventure with Khaki's National Ge-hographic! Say you love me... say you love me... go head say it then put it in a love song :) <--- Gay? I know, I know.

Khaki Irwin here again to take you on another whirlwind adventure of Bird Watching around the world wide web. We'll travel to the depths of the hood to capture pigeons in their natural habitat and still make it back home in time for Murry Steakhouse chicken fingers and red Kool-Aid. So, put on your bird protectors and follow me!

First stop... my home for the time being BALTIMORE where we find the Pigeon.

Look at her standing like so with her tatted up body in that 6.99 Body Basic "lingerie", wrinkled up leather-like ComeFuckMe Pumps fresh off the hanger with that cheap ass hair flowing. I'm thinking either pregnant or bloated from the Alize... thoughts?

Sidenote: I hate pigeons. Really- they are the niggas of the bird family... cant stand em... try to keep Alka Seltzer and bread with me whenever I go downtown just in case I need to explode them. Nasty ass birds walk the street like they own the place. They'll shit on you and the fucking savages will rob you for whatever food you have. I'll never forget the day I was coming home from school and saw a flock of pigeons fucking each other up over what I thought was bread. After some big burly 18 lb pigeon strong armed the smaller pigeons, it was then that I realized that 10 pigeons were fighting over a chicken bone. A fucking chicken bone. For real?!?!? Not only do y'all become lions and try to kill each other over food on some Animal Planet shit but then to find out its a distant cousin?!?!?!? I hate em. Point blank.

Somewhere on someones or some thing's bed in my birthplace and hometown Orange, New Jersey (hi REEESSSEEEE!!!!) we have... the Ugly Duckling. Now either that's some raw duck meat ate down to the first layer of epidermis in between her legs or she got her feather covered Crunch N Munch exposed.

Po thing will probably never be a swan but that doesn't mean she isnt stunting on you bitches with that Top Model pose.

Shit, I almost let her slide til I saw those hanger C.F.M's. CHECK!

Next up we travel south to Miami, Florida (waves to Stacie Ann) to capture the FLAMING-HO! Now, they're not lawn worthy and probably have Shrek's swamp water pussy sludge but everyone likes pink, no?

Yes, Rock, I know you'd hit shorty with the pink wig but for the sake of not ending up with a dick covered in sesame seeds, please say "No!".

Next up- we fly west to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and come across ... A PARROT. Look at this Crayola explosion of pure fuckery in her plastic jewelry and feathered prom dress. Polly don't want no fuggin cracker. Another bitch with bird flu in immediate need of a new get-up STAT.

While we're down south... let's swing over to the ATL for.... a COCK or Two?!?!!!! Doesn't matter, he wants them all. Oh, yeah... men can be birds too. This is somebody' first born son rocking his grandmother's wig and 5 o'clock shadow at 10am. I support the gays. Shit, I even went and wasted 10.50 on that Just Wright movie but, c'mon... this is a damn bird. I bet he rocking CFM's too! A real queen would not step out looking like this... CHECK!

Put your bird blocking goggles on and let's hop back on flight and travel north to somewhere near Bumfuck, Wyoming to witness...The Muslim man's wet dream and Tiger Wood's weakness.... the DOVE. This near-sighted bird with soft, white skin like Avirex leather got the bird game down. Sexy pose with finger in her mouth, two piece cheetah print "outfit" with hair tie around her wrist and 19.00 frames on??? CHECK!

Anyone know where we can get a good... SMOKED Turkey? Me neither but let's travel to Chi-Town to take in the beauty of the Thanksgiving bird. I'd say pluck it, baste them ashy ass calves and elbows with some WD-40, roast it up and serve it up on a platter with dressing. Then again, I hate dry ass turkey and i wouldn't dare eat Stove Top out of anything that resembles this. Little ass jersey, booty shorts and Easter shoes?!?!? CHECK! Drop down and get your eagle on, girl!

and I'm tired so let's head back home to Baltimore to get a shot of the state bird... The ORIOLE CRACK BIRD. With class, grace and a body to die for(??), we have the Baltimore Oriole Crack bird perched up in a crack house with peeling lead paint. Just like pigeons, i cant stand the Crack bird. Wanna-be sexy whores strutting past you with 10 year old clothing on and red lipstick.UGH, where's my Alka Seltzer and wheat bread.

And because my husband is always lovingly hijacking my posts....Fresh out of Central California Women's facility for armed robbery, assault and prostitution comes the Compton Jail Bird. Complete with pit bull dark lips, tattoos of Ak-47's and tear drops marked on their faces and bullet holes that look like extra nipples, the jail bird is the most dangerous and vicious species of them all. That gelatinous one looking like "I wish a bitch would said somethin bout my gut" and for fear of losing my life or suffering slashes to the face, I wont say a damn thing.

Until next time...


Lynn Holiday said...

LOL @ the "Dove".

Kingsmomma said...

LMFAO that duck and the oriole. Man I feel sorry for the residents of Bmore

Ice Cold said...


Rock said...

I hate you, I hate you. You mad eme spit (pause) out my iced tea (no homo, cause it was sweetened) while reading that post.

You forgot the "jail bird" know those birds who pee with the door open and have those "razor, ballpoint pen and Bic lighter tattoos?" Yea, them.

Good post though hun.

I mean, Dead.

-The Hubster

khaki la'docker said...

dammit ROCK!!! you eff'd up my part 3 that included the Compton Jail Bird!!!!!! ugh

Eyes on the prize said...

That Chicago chick looks like a M&M candy.

Gurl where did you find these pictures? Wow. I see there are birds-a-plenty on the internet and they aren't camera shy either.

eaglebird said...

LMAO your good,nah let me take that back your great not the bird watch edition tho' you really is "crazy" with the gift of creative writing huh lol.

p.s No bullshit tho' you kinda look like LeftEye from T.L.C in your profile pic lol real talk!

☆Reese said...

Pleeeeeease don't shout me out amongst such pure fuckery evah again in life okay boo? Lmfao...I'm over here thinking about all the Offenses of the Avian Variety I see e'ry day in NJ and those I spotted in Baltimore. So basically you're saying next time I roll down, bring my camera? CHECK.

luh you

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