Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Khaki La'Hansen

While most of you sinners are spending your nights boo loving (borderline hating), clubbing or hanging out doing grown up shit, yours truly is up prowling the worldwide web for teenage panty sniffers and statutory rapists. Explanation needed? OK...

I'm a superhero... a cape crusader stomping out statutory rapists and perverts one penis at a time... ok- im just bullshitting... well, not really... i dont wear a cape but I've got a cool theme song to the tune of Ghostbusters.

Anyhooo -I get bored... often and I'm also heavily influenced by shit I see on TV. Not a good combo.I watch shows on TV and tell myself "Khaki, you could do that". Most times I cant. There was the time I called myself dissecting a chicken then forgot about it and woke up the next morning with my whole house smelling like a Chinese whore. Then there was the time I tried to back it up like the video hoes... but yall remember how that played out.

Anyway, one lonely ass night a few months ago, i'm watching something on CNN about some woman catching her husband prowling for teenage snackboxes (ahem: coochie) and i got the brilliant idea :pops collar: to do the same thing. I convinced myself that I could tackle online predators by setting up dudes attempting to stat rape like I was Chris Hansen.

Then I realized that portraying a 12 year old being hit on by a 30 year old was just sick and so not my cup of tea... but my idea was still brilliant and the ultimate solution to cure my Friday night boredom. At that moment, I decided to play a 16 year old girl minding my own business...

Whores and Whorettes, let me introduce you to.... Breeziminaj12- a naive 16 year old black girl from Baltimore that watches 106&park and sp3llz errythang l!k3 d!s . She rocks Pastry's and jeggings and guess who her idol is???? Wait for it... Wait for it... Nicki Minaj.

I cant show breezi's picture because, well, they're my cousin's and I need to use them again for future penis pounding so we'll use my favorite representation of a young black teenage girl.... Ms. Precious Jones.

Say "Hi" Precious...

Precious says Hi.

Now, I've had other identities... there was sexcilexi -the barefoot chubby faced white girl, Azianiis -a little Asian sophomore from Towson MD for the small penised man, and 00xBKangel - a snappy latina that stays home while her mother works 11 jobs. All of them 16... which, in my opinion, is old enough to make up their minds if they're going to participate in sexual activity or not yet young enough to prosecute ole man Charlie if he tries to penetrate.

let the games begin....
Blackplanet, 8/6/2010 10:13 PM

hudmodel: hey sweety
hudmodel: howru?
breeziminaj12: h! :) im fin3, how r u?
hudmodel im good- what you getting into tonight?
breeziminaj12: nuffin. My frenz are all out and Im stuck in da house.
breeziminaj12: on a friday sux :(
hudmodel: yea dats not cool.
breeziminaj12: I kno right
hudmodel07: well my name is dre, urz?
breeziminaj12: Iris
hudmodel: Iris your to pretty to be in da house by urself. u dont have a boyfriend?
hudmodel: and btw ur picz are
hudmodel: hot
breeziminaj12 thnks :) no boyfriend
breeziminaj12: u dnt look 2 bad urself
hudmodel: well thank you pretty lady. I do a little bit of modeling- gotta look good so i can make this paper to take care of you
breeziminaj12: tak3 care of me how?
hudmodel: ya kno- take you places, buy you the things that a gorgus woman like you should have
hudmodel: i can take care of you other ways but u not ready for that lol
breeziminaj12: lol u say that now
hudmodel: im serius
hudmodel: what do you like to do?
breeziminaj12: regla stuff... shoppin goin out wit my frenz goin out 2 eat
hudmodel: we can do that together
breeziminaj12: where do you live?
hudmodel: over west- near scutity
hudmodel: *security
breeziminaj12: i kno where dat iz- i stay ova east. near morgan
breeziminaj12: jst luked at ur profile again- ur 25?
hudmodel: damn you just looked at mine?
hudmodel: just look at pics then bounce huh?
hudmodel: i c how you are pretty lady
breeziminaj12: not at all
breeziminaj12: u dnt luk ur age
hudmodel: oic- u dnt either tho. does my age bother you
hudmodel: ?
breeziminaj12: nt at all. does mine bother u
hudmodel: nah, i can tell ur mature for your age and dats all that really matters

blah blah blah, how many brothers and sisters you got? blah, what school you go to blah blah blah

hudmodel: can you get out of the house or can you have company?
breeziminaj12: um i can get out of the house as long as im in the house by 7 when my grandmother gets off
breeziminaj12: wut do u wnt 2 do?
hudmodel: just chill
hudmodel: watch a movie
hudmodel: possibly fuck or eat your pussy
breeziminaj12: wow! gud thing im nt a virgin or nething
breeziminaj12: i couldve been insulted
hudmodel: bae im just telling you how i feel. grown man shit feel me?
breeziminaj12: i can respect that
hudmodel: so you coming to see me?
breeziminaj12: i can... r u cumin 2 get me
hudmodel: yeah in like an hour or so but i may not be able to get you back home.
hudmodel: i can give you hack or cab money tho
breeziminaj12: K
hudmodel: so whats your address and phone number?
hudmodel: text me ur info and ill be there in 45
breeziminaj12: ok, im bout to save your life
hudmodel: ????
breezieminaj12: you know that show "to catch a predator"? That show where Dateline or whoever sets up some silly dude by inviting him to a young girls house to get ass?
hudmodel: nah bt whut do u mean?
breeziminaj12: you couldve been on that show. you couldve shown up with yo dick halfway on the hard and been tackled by undercover police officers that monitored this whole conversation.
hudmodel: what?
breeziminaj12: :sigh: in retard terms- pls read carefully
breeziminaj12: i just play one on the internet ;) .... I work for Blackplanet's taskforce team for online sexual predators. We're like the pussy police so to speak and you, mr hudmodel, was 45 minutes from attempting to have sex with a minor... which is against the law and a violation of our website terms of usage. I would like to kindly remind you to think about your actions before attempting to communicate with a minor again. Your account is also being suspended indefinitely.
hudmodel: wtf? r u joking?
breeziminaj12: No, sir, not joking at all.

hudmodel has logged off

I go back to find him a few minutes later and, just like the ones before him, the account was closed and he no longer existed....

Now, I'm trying to decide if I should put a disclaimer on this post because I've had some readers take the things that i say the wrong way, call me ignorant and insensitive and... well, i just decided that i still gives not a fuck.


Kingsmomma said...

classic online pedofile line "hudmodel: nah, i can tell ur mature for your age and dats all that really matters"

"i like the touch of adding the grandmom's in there
but what really got me was you couldve shown up with yo dick halfway on the hard and been tackled by undercover police officers that monitored this whole conversation."


Alovelydai said...

This whole post is the reason why I'm crying right now. Your disclaimer should have read: close your office door.

AR Gal said...

This is awesome! I bet his pathetic tail is walking around paranoid as hell right about now. LOL

NightFall914 said...


M I N G said...

OMG! That is so crazy and creepy.. I didn't even know people still did that crap... wtf -_-

princessvalecia said...

OMG if these men don't sit there asses down! Immegiately! Yeah I said it! IMMEGIATELY!!

The Real Mz. Jones said...

you are so the truth. maybe u should start your own show... u saved a life:O)

Anonymous said...

THIS WAS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm glad you posted it! I was seriously laughing my ass off the ENTIRE thing...the word play was ridiculous. And you weren't being ignorant and insensitive...that was real *applauds you for this one ma'am*

Steph said...


GorgeousPuddin said...

AR gal sent me over here!

Girl you are my SHERO!!! I just wish he could have been arrested for that ish ole nasty a**

Funny as hell!

Great job!

Anonymous said...

* claps loudly * I must say I loved every single min of that! Good to have you back in blog land sugar pie

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

GIRL!!!!!!! I was on edge reading this! How is shuttin' pedophiles down being ignorant and insensitive?! Sadly it's real life and someone needs to get their asses together! Great post!

☆Reese said...

aw man. see I miss all the good shit! lmao

JStar said...

You're doing a public service here...From a mother of two girls 17 and 14...My heart cringed...I wanted to jump through that screen and beat his as*....I am sick to my stomach now...

Rock said...

And this, My dear wifey, is why I fucking love you. You are the Cat's Pajama's...the Bee's Knees. This is the funniest shit I've read all year.

BTW, Sorry to burst your bubble Khack, I'm only 14. You're going to Jail as well...or maybe I've saved your life...Don't go deleting the blog and switching SN's on me.

khaki la'docker said...

@Rock - Thats fine because Im really a 13 year old Baptist boy from Germany. You saved my life and you almost went to 3rd base with a boy.

♥Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder♥ said...

oh em gee i was cracking up after reading this...definitey need a disclaimer for work lol luv it...but so true...we see this crap all the time being as a I work for Megans Law!

Q Double said...

"breeziminaj12: wut do u wnt 2 do?

hudmodel: just chill
hudmodel: watch a movie
hudmodel: possibly fuck or eat your pussy"

*fucking dead*

Ole you-gonna-come-thru-if-I-eat-your-pussy ass nicca

Also, BLACK PLANET!!! That still exist? Haven't used that since my suck-a-tittie days.

simone_dior said...

First glad ur back. I was checking my feed for u constantly. Groupie luhv n shit.
Second-- and ear-shattering *bwahahahahahahahaaa* at how boredom can turn into productive shit. I think u may be on to something though. Independent onlie predator-tracking contractor. Bp shld pay u for that shit
Lovedededed it! 2 snaps and twist!!

Anonymous said...

LOL @ your whole house smelling like a Chinese whore. Funny ass post.

K. Rock said...

I don't believe homeboy just got on to the point like that!! I would have never thought it would have been this easy to catch a perv. Are there really that many put there? I'm getting off the internet right now before they find me...

Christina Adwoa said...

guuurrllll...if I had a loose bladder...I wlda pee'd my pants...this has got to be the funniest ish I've read in should make this a series! LoL

♥LoVe.Peace.Curls.♥ said...

If this isn't theee funniest shit ever! And I'm mad that at the end, his thirsty ass was asking if u were there was still really a chance of him getting his dick wet. Nasty ass...smh. And he was probably like 37.

1/3 said...

lol you're too funny. Urghh just reading that he was willing to pick up a 16 yr girl digusts me!! I think about my neice who will be 16 next month:-( I cant deal with it lol. we need more people like you protecting the kiddies from pedophiles like the idiot in this post lol.

Cie said...

yay!! you're back!

*dead at the whole post*

you definitely gut punched that ass. LOL.

funny thing though.. i have been watching to catch a predator online tough lately.. this came a at good time.


UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Laughing. My. Ass. Off. Yes, I had to spell it out. Can't say I'm TOO surprised bc I have gotten some crazy ass FB/myspace msgs when I was a young pup myself. I was too through with his lame ass "age aint nothing but a number" spiel.

Ashley Patrice said...

LMAO, wooooowwww. This is why I'm scared to have kids

*stacie-ann said...

bitch. you stupid. wtf!! lmao. only khaki would do some retarded shit like this.

i missed you!!!

Confessions of A Confused City Girl said...

LMFAO! Omg do you know how many times i've done this? Lol i just did it for kick but that ish is HILARIOUS that you told him... I bet you he somewhere shitting in his pants everytime he thinks about saying "grown man shit" to someone on the internet


eaglebird said...

Lmao...You da best!!!! We as in ME and you need to make money off YOUR talented writing abilities, I can make millions being your manager. lol

or you can just ghost write for me, and I'll break you a lil bit change on the side. Lol im j/king but dead ass at the same time

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