Thursday, May 28, 2009

The 3 C's

So uhm... I appreciate the fact that you have your own spot and you're independent... However, living on your own does not entitle you to call your apartment a "bachelor pad". If I were a dude and had my own place it would definitely be the shit. I guess what I'm saying is that I hate when dudes be on some "I'm the shit cuz i got a studio apartment" and then you go there and you're scared to put your pocketbook on the floor... So with that being said...

The 3 C's of having a Bachelor Pad:

  • Classy: Show the women that you're dating that you have taste! We love to see a well decorated house with matching furniture and decor. We expect a man that keeps himself well maintained would do the same for his house. Unfortunately, they are a lot of Rico Suave muthafuckas out here with their gators and linen suits on living in shitbucket apartments with no style. Invest in a decent living room set, bedroom set and dinette. Accessorize with rugs, lamps (not the lamp shaped like a beer bottle or some stupid ass cartoon charachter), decorative pieces, and smaller pieces of furniture that compliment the rest of your apartment. Decor and furnishings should be true to your personality and manly but not too manly.
  • Cleanliness: No bullshit... all of my guy friends that live alone have nasty ass cribs. Like- I just went to Squint's house and cleaned up his kitchen which - as he puts it- hasn't had a cleaning like that in months. Put it like this... being dirty invites mice, bugs, flies and other shit that girls are afraid of and it's so not cool to have to shake your clothes before you leave.
  • Comfort: Plush furniture, nice towels, pillows (girls like pillows. That's why we buy them expensive ass decorative pillows just for show), and comfy furniture will give your place that feeling of peace. Don't expect to get any samples if I come over and have to sit on a couch that's made out of old plywood and white tees. The panties will come off a whole lot quicker if you have a Sealy Posturepedic versus having the $99.00 boxspring/mattress combo at PriceBusters.

Other pointers:

  • Clean out your medicine cabinet: You can have the most trusting girl in the world but trust that she will almost always (especially the first time there) check your medicine cabinet. I need to see if you got a Valtrex prescription sitting in yo shit.
  • Keep your condoms, lubricants, and massage oils away!: Make sure that they are accessible so that you can use them with the girl you bring over but they should be "hidden" so that she doesn't stumble across your shoebox filled with 9000 condoms. We don't like to imagine or think about how many girls you're fucking. So unless you want to answer questions like "Whats up with the 48 oz jar of lube?" or "How many bitches ARE you fucking?", i would kindly advise you to keep your prophylactics  out of reach.
  • Have family pictures up: We like to see that the man that we are dating is family oriented. We know you like Lebron but we don't want to see him all throughout your place.
  • Invest in artwork: Again, we don't want to see the sports memorabilia in random ass places like over your toilet, that old ass glass "Footprints" picture that your mom donated to you or that "authentic" African artwork you purchased from a man in a U Haul truck. Spend a little to show your girl that you appreciate art just as much as you love touchdowns.
  • Appliances: I swear i stayed at a friends house and he used his Foreman griddle/grill for everything! I understand that if you're just starting out you may not have the funds to buy all the fancy juice makers and KitchenAid blenders BUT DAMN microwaves are like 30 bucks at Walmart. No microwave or toaster but you have 30 pairs of Jordans??? You will get laughed at.
  • Hidden Porno: So... girls- well most- girls don't like to know that their boo watches porn. Don't know why... that's just the way that it is. So my advice to you would be to put your shit up. Your Big Booty DVD's should not be on display with the other movies. Now me? I'm cool with it unless I see some freaky fetish shit like Babe's and Apes or 2 Girls and A Cup.
  • The little things: If you invite me over to chill and I end up staying over... having a spare toothbrush would earn you hella brownie points. I keep a 1.00 pack of 6 toothbrushes under my sink... just in case. Consider investing in the small stuff that would mean the world to us to have... girly soap (ie Dove), spare toothbrushes, rubber bands (hair ties), etc.
  • Clean Sheets: Skeet Sheets are not where its at. Yes, I've been to someones crib, went to his bedroom and immediately wished that I had a black light. I'm not laying in nobody else's cum stain and no matter what you say I will not believe that those stains are from drool.
  • Clean Bathroom/Kitchen: I know I've mentioned cleanliness but it's so important that I have to mention it again. Keep your damn bathroom clean! PISS spots on the toilet seat... Disgusting. I hate feeling like I'm in a public restroom at a Citgo gas station. Dirty ass moldy dishes are nasty. Please keep the places where I eat and expose my coochie clean. Thanks!
  • Inviting Smell: Glade plug-in's cost approximately 10% of what you would spend on a decent bottle of cologne so why not invest in something that would prevent me from smelling funky ass gym socks and curdled milk when I enter your home? Nothing is more inviting and comforting than walking into someones house and smelling a nice scent of vanilla, jasmine or lavender. So- yeah- step your scent game up.
  • I know you can read: I don't know why men are allergic to books and reading. I went to this one guy's house and I swear all he had was gamer magazines and one biography about the life of Tupac and his "bookcases" were filled with video games and burned DVD's. His reasoning for not buying books? A waste of his money because most of the books that he likes (comics) are made into movies. I deleted his number.
  • Thirsty?: The first thing you ask a guest in your home is "Would you like something to drink?". Make sure you have an assortment of non-alcholic beverages (tap water- NOT OK) for the women that don't drink and alcoholic beverages (40 oz's NOT OK)for women like me who want to drink then play.
  • Entertain Me: I'm not only coming over to "relax". I want to watch a movie, play a board game, play Uno, or watch something interesting on TV and THEN... you know. Nonetheless, I still want to be entertained. Having a TV that I don't have to use a pencil to turn on will definitely be a plus.


the YOUNG LIONESS said...

lmao! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Epitome said...

Damn you nailed EVERYTHING on the head! This should be inserted into the Man Laws book at once!

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