Monday, January 11, 2010

Yup, you're a terrible fucker!

I'm sitting here and wondering... how do you know when you're a bad fucker? Are there people walking around thinking that they put it down or give the best head when, in fact, they are actually terrible in the bedroom? I'm thinking that people either (A) don't know because no one ever told them or (B) they're selfish bastards that know and only care about getting their nut.

For those that don't know... here are some clues to help you out.

I have to pee: If after having sex, she gets up and says that she has to go to the bathroom and comes back fully clothed, your sex is wack. She doesn't have to pee and more than likely she's laughing at you, calling the next dude or turning on the Rabbit to finish what you started.

Human Blow-up Doll: If you just lay there, stiff as a board looking like a damn corpse while he does all the work, your sex is wack. No man wants to fuck a stationary woman that makes no sound or even blinks. Dating and courting a woman that just lays there isn't cost efficient at all. After spending money on movies, flowers, gifts, dinner and all that other shit women want, wouldn't it be fair to say that a man has earned some good pussy? Dinner and movie = 150.00... Blow up doll= 50.00. I'm just saying.

No entry: If you only get called over for oral, your sex is bad. Most women want both so she only wants head from you, more than likely, your dick game wack. Giving good head is not enough and the most that it will do is land you in the pile of "folks i call when i want nothing but head". Those people getting called very rarely.

Two Pump Chump: If you put it in and then bust after 3 1/2 pumps, you're a terrible fucker. No woman wants a man that cant last long enough to make them cum. Women hate to waste pussy juice. Pussy juice is just as valuable as... money. Shit, coochie fluid is so damn valuable that companies make millions of dollars just off of replications. I've even thought about bottling some of this up in a juice container and marketing it as Vaggiejuice- the real V-8 splash. I digress-women understand the value of their juice, so if you waste it and their time, you will not be called back for a second chance.

In, Out, Suck, Bust: Boring ass sex routines will give you the reputation of being a terrible fucker. Women that hop on the dick but ride with no rhythm, barely moves, and does the same up and down motion aren't using their vagina to the best of their ability which in most states is a punishable crime*. Men that have the same stroke or the routine of feel, eat, pump, bust will laughed at by women. People like variety and spontaneity especially with sex. Switching up the routine or adding elements to heighten the experience will, almost always, make you a good fucker.

Who needs an Ambien, when you've got dick: I cant remember but... It was either a wise man or an old Chinese proverb that stated "if she doesn't roll over and go to sleep, you got more fucking to do". Whoever said it, it's true. If after we're done, I get up and start drawing on the etch-A-Sketch or watching old episodes of Law and Order, i have not been sexually fulfilled and your sex was bad. I always know when it's good if im snoring almost immediately after we're done. Not that light snore either... that "what the fuck kinda noise is that" snore and if he can sleep through my snore after we're done, I know that I've done my part too.

Laughter: If her friends don't respect you or laugh when you walk away, they're talking about you and, more often than not, it's about you in the bedroom.

One day you may be told that you're bullshit in bed and it will hurt your heart and soul. No one wants to be bad in bed. No one wants to end up on but you must accept it, take responsibility and try to get better. Watch flicks... take a class... read a book- just do SOMETHING. Being in denial, calling him/her a bitch and saying it's because they're mad because of blah, blah, blah isn't going to solve anything. Trust me, they aren't saying it just because they're mad, they're telling you because it's true. They've just been holding it in their back pocket for the prime opportunity to hurt your pride.

If you really want to know if your sex is horrible and you don't think any of the above items apply to you, try this test... pick a fight with your girlfriend. Make her as mad as you can. If she says some shit like "man fuck you and that little ass dick with your cant get it up always gotta beat off cuz you nutted too fast ass!", you cant fuck. If you piss her off, go in to have make up sex and she opens up... well, you figure it out.


Ava Dior said...

hahaha this post was funny!! i have a homeboy who i sleep withoff and on and we are SOOO not compatible in bed together. i dont blame him because he's doing everything right, we just arent meshing somehow. when he's giving me head he complains that my legs hit him in the ears, his dick is too big for me to really go IN on it, and he goes for waaaaaaay too long for me sometimes and i get to "need a break mode" we totally dig each other but its just NOT WORKING lol but in other situations yes, some women, hell most, have NOT told a dude he's wack and he IS walking around thinkig he's really putting in work. smh

ChattiiCathii said...

i fcukin love this. i love those damn tips.

☆Reese said...

Excellent post!

I loved you right up until I read "..I get up and start drawing on the etch-a-sketch" .
Where's the paperwork I sign to get you out of my life? Lmfao

Don said...

too funny @

love the post.

a woman can and will definitely break a brother down to his very last compound by speaking up on his sex game.

back in the days i once came across a human blow up doll. only until i sat down and spoke with her did she understand that it was cool to open up in bed.


Freckles said...

YES YES YES!!!! (excuse me... forgot where I was but this post right here was quite orgasmic. I am in tears and even sent it to my friend so I could high five...

dont want to waste, sure dont wanna be a doll and hell dude please keep it up. GREAT!!! Going to FB it. Kudos.

RoByn LaTice said...

lol..this is hilarious! Too true..too damn true! Amen girl!

pennanddpaper said...

Such TRUTH !

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