Im spending Valentines Day

either with my kid watching Good Times or by my lonesome watching Good Times.

I just dont get it...*sigh*

What are you guys doing?

Yup, you're a terrible fucker!

I'm sitting here and wondering... how do you know when you're a bad fucker? Are there people walking around thinking that they put it down or give the best head when, in fact, they are actually terrible in the bedroom? I'm thinking that people either (A) don't know because no one ever told them or (B) they're selfish bastards that know and only care about getting their nut.

For those that don't know... here are some clues to help you out.

I have to pee: If after having sex, she gets up and says that she has to go to the bathroom and comes back fully clothed, your sex is wack. She doesn't have to pee and more than likely she's laughing at you, calling the next dude or turning on the Rabbit to finish what you started.

Human Blow-up Doll: If you just lay there, stiff as a board looking like a damn corpse while he does all the work, your sex is wack. No man wants to fuck a stationary woman that makes no sound or even blinks. Dating and courting a woman that just lays there isn't cost efficient at all. After spending money on movies, flowers, gifts, dinner and all that other shit women want, wouldn't it be fair to say that a man has earned some good pussy? Dinner and movie = 150.00... Blow up doll= 50.00. I'm just saying.

No entry: If you only get called over for oral, your sex is bad. Most women want both so she only wants head from you, more than likely, your dick game wack. Giving good head is not enough and the most that it will do is land you in the pile of "folks i call when i want nothing but head". Those people getting called very rarely.

Two Pump Chump: If you put it in and then bust after 3 1/2 pumps, you're a terrible fucker. No woman wants a man that cant last long enough to make them cum. Women hate to waste pussy juice. Pussy juice is just as valuable as... money. Shit, coochie fluid is so damn valuable that companies make millions of dollars just off of replications. I've even thought about bottling some of this up in a juice container and marketing it as Vaggiejuice- the real V-8 splash. I digress-women understand the value of their juice, so if you waste it and their time, you will not be called back for a second chance.

In, Out, Suck, Bust: Boring ass sex routines will give you the reputation of being a terrible fucker. Women that hop on the dick but ride with no rhythm, barely moves, and does the same up and down motion aren't using their vagina to the best of their ability which in most states is a punishable crime*. Men that have the same stroke or the routine of feel, eat, pump, bust will laughed at by women. People like variety and spontaneity especially with sex. Switching up the routine or adding elements to heighten the experience will, almost always, make you a good fucker.

Who needs an Ambien, when you've got dick: I cant remember but... It was either a wise man or an old Chinese proverb that stated "if she doesn't roll over and go to sleep, you got more fucking to do". Whoever said it, it's true. If after we're done, I get up and start drawing on the etch-A-Sketch or watching old episodes of Law and Order, i have not been sexually fulfilled and your sex was bad. I always know when it's good if im snoring almost immediately after we're done. Not that light snore either... that "what the fuck kinda noise is that" snore and if he can sleep through my snore after we're done, I know that I've done my part too.

Laughter: If her friends don't respect you or laugh when you walk away, they're talking about you and, more often than not, it's about you in the bedroom.

One day you may be told that you're bullshit in bed and it will hurt your heart and soul. No one wants to be bad in bed. No one wants to end up on girldontfuckhim.com but you must accept it, take responsibility and try to get better. Watch flicks... take a class... read a book- just do SOMETHING. Being in denial, calling him/her a bitch and saying it's because they're mad because of blah, blah, blah isn't going to solve anything. Trust me, they aren't saying it just because they're mad, they're telling you because it's true. They've just been holding it in their back pocket for the prime opportunity to hurt your pride.

If you really want to know if your sex is horrible and you don't think any of the above items apply to you, try this test... pick a fight with your girlfriend. Make her as mad as you can. If she says some shit like "man fuck you and that little ass dick with your cant get it up always gotta beat off cuz you nutted too fast ass!", you cant fuck. If you piss her off, go in to have make up sex and she opens up... well, you figure it out.

The Big Piece of Chicken

I love that I'm almost 100% independent. I say almost because there are just some things that I need a man for. :ahem: I love that if I want something, I can pull out a credit card, cash or wait til next pay to get it without worrying about it. However, even though I enjoy my independence, I also want to feel like a woman.



I lived in a household where my father would not let his wife's hands get dirty. If something was needed late night, he would get it because he didn't want his wife out that late at night. He rarely argued with my mother but he knew when to put his foot down. In return, he was always promised the big piece of chicken at dinner and no one dared to eat that man's big piece of chicken.



What my parents had that a lot of people don't have now was the definition of man and woman. It seems that the modern woman got so caught up in what they didnt need a man for that they forgot that sometimes it takes a meaningful relationship to feel complete. While both of my parents worked and my mother was quite independent financially, she still knew how to let my father be the man of the house. My father knew that he couldn't win an argument with my mom and we all knew when he lost because the next day a bouquet of flowers would be on the mantle. If mom was wrong, which was very rare, there would be a huge slice of German Chocolate cake sitting next to his dinner plate.



I've determined that I want to be both independent and have a man to do those gentlemanly things for me. I want someone to make me feel like I do not have a care in the world. I want someone to open my doors. I don't mind paying for dinner but I don't want to drive both of us to the restaurant. I don't mind bringing home the chicken and frying it up but I want him to take the bags out the car for me.



Damn, is that too much to ask?

EDIT: Human Resources: Relationships

I've been thinking (i do that from time to time) about possibly doing the relationship thing again and having a boyfriend... *sigh as I recount my adventures of being single* and I questioned... how the hell am I going to go about doing that? The last boyfriend I had was Lurch and we had met in high school. Back then it was easy... you pick out the cutest guy, do that bullshit flirting, exchange phone numbers, and then send a note asking to check "yes" or "no". Saying "yes" meant that you were now "going together" and dry humping would later occur. Ah, the good ole days.



As an adult, it's not quite that easy. In high school, it was cool to put on your cute shit and roam the mall looking for a cute boy or go to the skating rink to wait for someone to scoop you up for the couples song. Now, it's not simple to put on your cute shit and wait for Mr. Right to ask you for your name and number. Some women have tried and most have failed with that plan. I was one of them. Once getting glammed up to head to club looking for my other half.... backfired when i entered the club to find that wasn't nothing in there but fake ass dudes looking for a piece of ass.


Anyway- it occurred to me that if I'm going to find the right one for me and not end up with a married dude- again- I must conduct this dating shit like applying for a job. Before taking on this temporary housing gig, I was in Human Resources for a year. I learned how to search for an applicant, review applications and resumes, interview, do background checks and draft letters of denial or offers of acceptance. I've learned that if a company completes all the necessary steps to hiring an employee effectively and efficiently, the chances of gaining a long-term employer/employee relationship is remarkably high. I'm thinking the same should go for personal relationships... Excuse me while I try to make sense of my thoughts and tell me what you think.



The Search: I'm not sure how this is going to work out for me because I don't search for no one BUT if I did I know that I would go to places that aren't surrounded by liquor and dim lighting. I need to be fully sober and in a well lit area if I'm going to be talking to anyone so that leaves out clubs and lounges. Others who like to go after there applicants may be interested in trying speed dating, free internet sites (myspace of facebook) and paid dating sites such as Match.com. I, on the other hand, will be just fine waiting for whatever opportunity presents itself. Hmmpf- I met a really nice dude at the gas station- remember Mr. No Draws? LMAO



Application Process/Resume: Application should consist of getting information about an applicant that pertains to what is important to you in a relationship and spouse. Of course, ask the main questions- name, birthdate, sex (you never know nowadays), marital status BUT add those additional questions that some women forget to ask- You love your mama? How's your relationship with you ex's?... this will have to be another post. LOL The Application process allows you to weed out who's eligible for a date or the "interview".



Interviewing AKA Dating: Before getting intimate or receiving an offer letter, the applicant must be able to intelligently answer in-depth questions about themselves and their life. Questions will consist of topics regarding career paths, past relationship history, and intentions. The dates should be at places that do not automatically invoke thoughts of sex and should be where you can get to know the other person. I think going to the movies is the worst 1st date as it gives no opportunity for you to get to know the other person. Try a lunch date, bowling or a sports/arcade like Dave & Busters.



Background Check- This doesn't mean that the applicant will be stalked- BUT one must do their research when allowing anyone into their home- especially if they have children. There are plenty of free websites that provide background information such as outstanding warrants and past criminal history. Also, do a quick Google, Myspace and Facebook search. Ladies, we must be safe and cautious of who we allow to blow our back out and sleep in our beds. There are a lot of monsters and creepy ass men in this world that seem like nice people until you hear about their past rape charges.



Offer Letter/Denial Letter: After a few interviews and 90 day try out of dating, it's now time to either give the applicant an offer letter with your expectations and listing of benefits OR, if you feel that this is not the right guy for the job, let him know. Let him down easy- explaining that he isn't what you are looking for but you will keep him in the database should another position come available. Don't be afraid to fire someone that's not cut out for the job. Lowering standards and allowing an unfit employee to remain in your company just as a filler can pose problems- including but not limited to early termination of relationship, high cost to maintain relationship, and poor work ethic.



Don't forget that you are looking for the same thing as these fortune 500 companies in search of the right employee; a hard working, loyal, dependable, reliable, mentally stable applicant with a good background and ability to provide and put in the work required to build a healthy relationship. You are Microsoft; don't go allowing no Burger King dudes in your company.