My Love for Midgets Was Tested- Part 1

Disclaimer: Please note that I am not trying to offend anyone and this is merely my point of view and my feelings. If you're a little person, I'm sorry but... Im not. Uhm, I am in no way trying to be hurtful... but this is my blog. Read on...

If you're a friend, family member, frequent reader of this blog or if you've ever met me, you should already know that I have a fascination almost borderline obsession with little people.

Before you either laugh and think I'm bullshitting you or give me the side eye and call me an ignorant bitch, please note that I have always kept it 100 with all of you and I am very aware that this is a bit strange and I know Im a bitch.

I digress-

Last night, my love for midgets was tested and it made me question what everyone else has asked for years-"What's up with you and midgets?".

I went back to my childhood... and a very vivid memory was resurrected. I was about 5 or so and I was watching a dubbed-version of I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. Of course, I was supposed to be fast asleep with my little brother laying next to me but I couldn't help but be drawn into this movie with a lot of cussing, that dude from In Living Color, and a bald head woman with missing limbs named Cherry.

After sneakily watching the movie with my mother who didn't know I was awake came a scene that changed my damn life. More than halfway through the movie, Jack Spade, John Slade, Kung Fu Joe, Slammer and Hammer all attempt to take down Mr. Big by fucking up one of his spots "The Big Hat Club". Following me? Good.

So, they're surrounding all these gangster dudes with big hats on and from one of the hat emerges a hand holding a gun. These mufuckas had midgets hiding in these big ass pimp hats and holding guns. So out comes this little dude, Wayne Evans, that used to kick Jack's ass in grade school and they start scrapping. It was the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. Here I am 5 or 6 years old... half way asleep, watching a movie with a miniature human and I'm shocked. I was amazed by this pocket-sized version of an adult. This little dude is smaller than me but looks like a grown ass man. I had never seen anything like it before and from that moment on I was in love with all people miniature.

After that came the infatuation with Troll dolls which may or not be related to my love for midgets but... it could. Then there were those damn Leprechaun movies that I just had to watch no mater how lame they were. If a movie had a midget or little person, I was glued to the tube.

I watch midget wrestling- midget bowling- midget porn ... all things miniature. Sounding like Confessions of a midgetholic?

I'm weird like that but it's OK. I'm a happy person and little people make me happy. I have a picture of midgets playing basketball on the wall in my office; it keeps me from going crazy. I've watched Bad Santa a trillion times just to see my favorite little actor Tony Cox (uhm, i didnt know his name until I decided to write this post- Fail for me).

I wish I had a little friend that can walk around the mall with me and I'd introduce her as "My Midget" and she'd call me "My Bigget". She'd be a Goon with a doo-rag and gold teeth like Midget Mac and she'd rap. If they weren't real people that required care and special attention like puppies and human trafficking weren't illegal, I'd probably rent me a midget. Just to hang out and do shit with.

I have a distant cousin who's a little person but I don't fuck with her. She's a little bitch with a short fuse <---- get it. *crickets* Seriously, Shortie- as she is affectionately called- got a mean chip on her shoulder. Real diva with a stank ass attitude and i promise if I ever saw her again, I'd glue her fingers together or hide all of her "Grabbers".

Sooooo this post has gone a little off track and has become super long so I'll end it now and promise to follow up with a Part 2 for those that didn't get offended and un-followed me. Fuck it, this is real life.