Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Part 2: My love for Midgets Was Tested

It was a cold and breezy night... still snow on the ground but i was dying for some shrimp and broccoli from the neighborhood china joint. Almost feigning for the greasy concoction of 2 week old broccoli and Inner Harbor shrimp, I almost forgot that I had to pee and ran into Lucky Express but what happened next changed my entire view of the people that I adored the most... midgets.

I walk to the order counter and ask for an L7 extra spicy. Doing the i-gotta-pee-hurry-the-fuck-up dance, I heard the bell used to alert when someone is entering go off. My already weak bladder was about to explode, I was hungry and didn't even bother to turn around. Feel free to revoke my Black Card for not following the #1 Black Rule for Safety: Never turn your back to the entrance of any establishment.

I receive my change and put it in my pocket and the next thing I know I'm verbally attacked by the human version of the Honey Combs monster.

A ga' damn midget wearing a leather Packers jacket, a Coors beer t-shirt, and his baggy jeans tucked in his wee lil' snow boots ran up on me and screamed "I WANNA GET ME SOME FOOD!". Had my bladder been a little weaker, I would've pissed myself. Frozen, I stood there looking at the wee-man and couldn't say one word.

He yelled again, "Chicken wings! I want chicken wings!". I nervously replied "OK" and backed up away from the hybrid of a person that was now so close that I could smell his breath and see his tartar encrusted tongue.

He ordered 4 wings and french fries and the Asian woman asked for $5.05. He handed her ONE dollar and screamed something that I was sure was some ancient version of Pig Latin. The lady at the counter took the dollar bill with confusion and fear etched all over her face. She wanted her 4.05 but she knew not to fuck with a midget with a bad attitude.

I walked out of the store and tried to take a picture of this angry mythical humanette. I get his picture as he's walking out of the store and I'm thinking "Fuck! He's going to kick my ass and I'm going to end up peeing on myself in this crowded ass shopping center". I lean closer to the glass window and, thankfully, he walks in the opposite direction of me. After breathing a sigh of relief, I run into the store and wait anxiously for my food secretly hoping that the angry dwarf wouldn't come back to harass me anymore.

For the last 19 years, i have been fascinated by little people and here I am getting harassed by a little person. I support midgets and what do I get in return? Being yelled at in Latin by a dwarf with halitosis? Everything I believed in for almost 2 decades was diminished by this one 3 minute encounter. I used to get a warm feeling at the thought of little people. Now, I just sit there clutching my pretend Glock with my trigger happy finger ready to blast one of em like a midget version game of Duck Hunt. It may sound mean but I was viciously attacked my a fucking midget! Well- maybe not attacked and maybe not viciously but you know what I mean. I felt like someone told me there was no Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or Easter Rabbit.

I don't know how I feel about "them" anymore. I'm still getting over this traumatizing event.


BFrank84 said...

Aww don't stop luvin' them....I LOVEEEEEE MIDGETS....I swear its like they are real life doll babies without any ankles or wrists....when I was in NU'ORLINS once I almost got arrested for following one during Mardi Gras

Rock said...

Wow, Khaki....Wow. I'm stunned. If he was Fly like Midgt Mack would you have pulled the number?

Look at it from his perspeciv..Maybe he needed a boost up to the counter...Ignoring all his shortcomings he could've been a nice guy. At least you know he'd never talk down to you. LMAO.


NC17 said...

Instead of Zombie land I'd like to drop you in Midget Land and let you go crazy with a shotgun. lol crazy damn midgets.

Young Educated Black Male said...

well damn....that's funny as hell....what's the next move? you should've tossed his little that would've been one of the moments in my life that i would've rather been under the influence, because it would've turned real colorful and possibly violent. i have a funny story about me and emanuel lewis from webster....out of the atlanta airport i have to tell you one day from when i was in high

*stacie-ann said...

laughing. my. ass. off.
what the fuckkkkk!?!! hahha. i would have died. OH MY GOD. only in BMORE? && i dont think they like to be called "midgets."

&& i dont live in CA, i live in Miami.

Kingsmomma said...

As I'm reading this my bladder is being tested. You have me rolling. LMAO and the damn leather jacket. LMFAO...
reminds me of the first time i saw a first person playing ball in his kiddie sneakers.

eaglebird said...

LLS..Damn how you going let lil homie rough you off like that tho' lol...All this time I thought you was a rider for yours lls sike nah,you still one of the best bloggers out I.M.O.,you need to stop playing and contact comedy central or something!!

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