Monday, September 27, 2010

Thoughts on the Freaking Deacon... or Bishop Eddie LongDong... or...

Let me preface this by stating that I know that I'm an ass. Not just the hole.... I'm the whole ass! A big ass... with spots... like Montana Fishburne.

Now that we have that out the way I'd like to give my glutanic (<--- not a word, is it? Where's C4?) view of the whole Eddie-Long-sucked-a-ding-dong shenanigans.

General thought: He did it. I was not in the room... in the city... state or anywhere near Mr. Long BUT I believe that he did it. I don't know if he really "lured" those young men with gifts of vehicles and trips to places like New Zealand- which , by the way is the gayest place in the world*- but my gaydar is blinking flaming red. The poses, the tights ass gym clothing, that hairline, those "curls", those... shall I go on? I'm willing to bet my whole collection of Garbage Pail Kids stickers that Eddie Long, with his glistening pubic haired toupee and all his sexual chocolatiness, exclamation point shaped body, in that tight ass Under Armour workout gear, slobbed them boys down like someone told him the cream filling would fill in that Flo-Rida hairline. I have no doubt that Eddie Long packed more fudge than Keebler. Bottom (pun intended) Line.

Let me finish-

I'm looking at a scandal unfold that involves a bishop of a mega church, money, homosexuality, and possible molestation and, just like every other instance that involves religious :ahem: black leaders, almost the whole congregation of 25,000 is fully supporting the accused.

While Bishop Long has not been convicted and these are only allegations, let's look at the some of the details so far:

  • 2 young men alleged that Bishop Eddie Long offered money, expensive gifts, and vacations for sexual favors a.k.a pimping. Yes, you heard right! Eddie Long "allegedly" pimped young boys of his congregation.
  • The same 2 young men also alleged that some of the advances took place during their teenage years
  • a third man has come forward with the same allegations
  • a fourth man has come forward with the same allegations
  • and... Eddie Long has yet to deny any of these allegations

I'm sorry but if someone accused a known homophobic religious leader of being, well, a homosexual that touched minors and paid them for dome (that's oral sex for you that have education beyond the 11th grade), would you not expect that leader to stand up and say "Hey, i don't suck dick. I have never sucked dick and I will never suck a dick". Now, I'm not homophobic at all but I'd be damned if i allow someone to publicly accuse me of eating pink meat and not deny it.

Reporter: Is it true that you provided oral sex to a woman for money?

Khaki: Maam, the last time I've been close to any ones vagina was March 22, 1986 when I slid out of my mothers womb. She had to forcefully push me out of her vagina as, even as a baby, I refused to have my face near any woman's hotpocket. To answer your question: No, maam, there has never been any pussy grease near me since birth.

When the lawsuit first came to light, I laughed, said "damn, another freaking deacon" and kept it moving. It wasn't until I heard that some of the allegations took place when the young men were minors, that i put on my Khaki La'Hansen hat and started really reading into the fuckery. Being a faggoty (no offense) pastor and beating meat is one thing but luring in minors with video games n' shit is just inexcusable.

Had these been young women making these allegations, the story wouldve went in different direction- or, would it? Would the members of the New Birth Missionary (irony?) Church then blame the young women for jerking off their beloved bishop? Would the women be de-victimized and called home wreaking hoes? We live in a country where child molesters are the scum of the society. We have sexual offender registries, programs to help victims of sexual and child abuse, and shows like To Catch A Predator- but as soon as we find out that the accused is a man of the cloth, folks immediately start to claim "scandal" or "lies" as if predators can only be teachers with Justin Beiber haircuts and homeless men.

Hearing about Bishop Long reminds me why I've never had a strong religious background. Too often, I've seen people get so entangled in their belief in a higher power that they refuse to use common sense or focus on reality. I've seen these religious fanatics praise and put so much belief in a MAN, that they'll follow him even if he's done wrong. They can not fathom that their beloved pastor is a human being fully capable of making a mistake and :gasp: being GAY! Can gay people not love the lord or lead a church? That's right... being gay is a choice and if you choose to go against the Holy Bible then you cant really love the lord, or can you? I vote "Nonsense". There are plenty of gay people in the church- but that's another blog.

I've read some of his members say that "I know he wouldn't do a thing like that and I will continue to support him no matter what. The devil is a lie"

Soooo, you mean to tell me- that several people can make allegations this serious against a bishop and all he has to do is show up to his church rocking a beige Rush Hour 2 inspired suit and new toupee, say he's going to fight the allegations, claim this is an "attack" then put his microphone down like he's  Randy Watson and everyone is going to follow him through fire and brimstone like he's Jesus Christ III? That speech about being David vs Goliath?
My apologies if any of you are members of NBMC or if you have a pastor that likes to "lay hands" on the members of his congregation and you're offended by my thoughts BUT my advice to you is to follow your own beliefs and STOP PUTTING ALL OF YOUR FAITH IN A MAN.

My opinion is going to remain the same... So, what's yall's?

* I do not know the gay statistics of New Zealand and didnt even care to look them up but N.Z definitely sounds like the type of place you'd take someone if you didnt want anyone to know you were a minister knocking down boy backs.


AR Gal said...

This post has me rolling!!! Like many others have stated on other blogs, message boards, etc, I really don't trust anyone that preaches so much hate against something, especially when it comes to homosexuality. It just screams "I'm coming out!".

Sassyme said...

I agree, we shouldn't put all of our trust in man. God is who we should trust in. If it were me in this situation, I would definitely say that I did not do it at all. I don't think that claiming his innocence will compromise the court case, so he all but admitted it.

BTW, the saying is "The devil is a lie (liar)". I say it all of the time LOL.

JAY-J!™ NGUYEN said...

The points you've made make a lot of sense and are utterly hilarious, if I do say so myself.

My pastor has often talked about corrupt churches where the people choose to follow the pastor or the preacher or whomever is running the place over what the actual Bible says. He's also talked about pastors and preachers using the tithes and offerings for their own personal benefits and what not.


Young Educated Black Male said...

Been to that Church for a spelman graduation, and when I saw offering boxes in the bathroom, I knew that boy wasn't

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

There are so many quote-ables in this post I don't know where to start. My favorites would have to be the "pubic haired toupee," "exclamation point shaped body," and the hypothetical interview between you and the reporter.

I totally agree about the brainwashed religious folks who are so quick to defend their pastor during these "scandals." For some reason, being religious translates to being stupid and people choose to ignore the obvious signs (like those damn cell phone pics). Any normal person can see glitter running all up and down those photos, but the church members want to act like that ain't strange.

GorgeousPuddin said...

You just too crazy for me! I'm dying laughing girl!!!!! SMH at this whole mess. I feel sorry for those boys period!

JStar said...

This was funny. We are all sinners, no one is perfect. When I go to church I am building my relationship with God, not my pastor. Although my friendships at church help me...I still accept we are not perfect....Dont make the mistakes of others come in between your relationship with God.

Eyes on the Prize said...

Khaki gurl where do you come up with sayings like, "exclamation point body?"

LOL. Too much. And that comparison to Randy Watson was another killa.

Isn't it amazing how so many people follow the MAN than the spirit. That's what people did back in the 70s with the Jim Jones tragedy. Something like 900 people died in Africa when they followed this man who was a preacher in a church in California. I was a little girl then and I remember seeing the pictures of the dead bodies on the news.

People want to believe in God, but sometimes I think they still need to believe in someone physical. Someone that they can see and feel and who talks directly to them. That's where these pastors come in at. I didn't see the press conference but I heard it was kinda unnecessary and he could have just made a statement thru an attorney without all of the hoopla. Sooooo...that right there makes me raise an eyebrow, but I'll wait and see what happens. We will find how "fancy" the Bishop really is...

khaki la'docker said...

@ EYES- you know Bishop was going to be my inspiration for this weeks edition of Fancy Fridays! LMAO
and i dont know where i get these sayings but dude is definitely an upside down triangle.
ps. i saw a post about 7 pairs of shoes... when is that getting published again missy?

Alovelydai said...

Offering boxes in the bathroom!!! Lawd, well I hope folk wash their hands before they drop them ones.

Eyes on the Prize said...


Awww sheit. U saw that post! I thought I axed it before anyone saw it. Ur fast girl!

I took it down cuz I didn't want to say I bought seven pairs of shoes since a sista can't have a gym membership. Memba that?

I was pondering posting that one. I decided I will today...

after I look at Zappos and see what they got. Hee hee.

Eyes on the Prize said...

Can't wait Fancy Friday though. LOL!!!!

Krissy said...

Yea if you have that much of an issue with something, it usually speaks of your guilt. He looks like a gay mans' man to me. But hey, what do I know right? * shrug*

*stacie-ann said...

You stupid. ROFL.

sooo nobody else peeped the mean mug he had on his face after he dropped the mic, && nobody elses gaydar went off right in that very moment? didn't he look gay RIGHT AT THAT was like a reaction or facial expression you'd expect to see from Mo'Nique or some shit..... hmm...he did it.

Confessions of A Confused City Girl said...

LMAO! Girl i done damn near pissed on myself reading this... idk what to even say! You hit the nail on the head (shall i pause this?)
Anyway, when i heard of this whole thing i chuckled. personally, he just looks flaming so i wouldnt dismiss it. On top of that eddie long-stroke is a KNOWN anti-gay activist. I think these things coming out into the open is Gods way of giggleing up in heaven.... I mean, with all the pure fuckery that goes on here on Earth, and probably no cable, he needs some form of entertainment... right?


malika the sexy cynic said...

that zesty lil fucker is guilty. i'm from decatur and i grew up just a couple of miles from the original location of that church and dude pumped A LOT of money into my high school and some of the folks i go to school with still follow that fool to this day. i can't stand his ass and i'm glad that the jheri curl toupee is being pulled out from under him.

eaglebird said...

Good post,BUT whoa that profile pic is like sexy x's 10,I'm loving your lips especially with the red lipstick. Nah let me stop being a perv. lol

but anyway Call me at 240.838.----

Richard Kolapo said...

Eyes on The Prize. My sentiments exactly. they follow these pastors blindly. im in london hearing about this dude. these pictures just confirmed my speculations.

p.s love the randy watson comparison

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