The Beauty and the Beast Theory- Opinions, please

Opinions please...

The cousin and I were having a very heated discussion about physical appearances and dating yesterday. The topic: attractive people who end up with someone unattractive. Trying to figure out where that came from? Well, I was on the phone with my cousin while shopping and walked by a dude that was fine.. mmm mmm mmm fine. Dude was fine like Chili's baby hair edges. The girl that had her hand in his back pocket... not so much. Nicely put- She was a bucket. Not very attractive at all and passed the "what would make you a bucket?" test with flying colors. If the Nappyheaded Bros compared her to a car, she'd be a Daewoo with pink spinners and Tinkerbell seat covers. Alright, that's enough bucket bashing.

So, i say "damn, either they've been together for a super dumb ass long time or he's using her". Wrong? Maybe because that seems to be the case a lot but hear me out, please.

Now, my cousin who's the never been in love- never-been-kissed-or-fucked- happy-go-lucky- everything-is-rainbows-puppies-and-I-shit sunshine type, is appalled by what I just said. She can not fathom the thought that most people look at the outside first then the inside. My cousin refuses to believe that human beings could be so vain. She wants to believe that this fine ass Reggie Bush type dude ended up the this goon of a woman because he looked at her and thought "wow, she looks like she's smart and I'm sure she can stimulate me mentally".

So, I explained to my purest virgin of a cousin Khaki's Laws of Attraction.

Law 1: If fine woman ends up with Quasimodo the Hunchback of Notre Dame it's because (A) he has money (B) he has something to offer her that she can't/won't offer herself included but not limited to financial stability, power etc. or (C) he's the rebound dude and (A) and/or (B) more than likely applies.

Law 2: If fine dude is with bucket it's because (A) they've been together forever and he just got used to her ass or (B) he's using her for something and then it ends up going back to reason (A)

Law 3: People are attracted to other people as attractive or more attractive than themselves and a deficit in attractiveness can be made up with other attributes. Example: 5's go for 5's and higher but may settle for a 3 or 4 if that person is wealthy or holds a position of power. There's also a sliding scale of attractiveness but I don't feel like posting it.

and last but not least..Law 4: If you don't believe in any of the previous laws, please refer to the "Lil Wayne and his 18 baby mamas" case study. The study shows scientific evidence proving that a drug addicted rapper with the face of a gecko can meet and impregnate several universally attractive woman with his powerful baby pudding simply because of his wealth and fame.

Got it? Good.

Now, her argument? Look at Tiny and T.I and Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Argument FAIL!

They are both couples that prove my theory is quite accurate. Tiny is a badger all day every day but she's been with TI since she's had a relevant career. They have children, history and, most of all, she had the money first, no??? TI's loyal to her in a sense that he wont leave and even put a ring on that badger finger BUT there's speculation that he's still creeping with Hoopz. Jay-Z? Wakes up and goes to sleep as a camel-faced man but he's fucking Jay-Z! Lovely camel humps and all, he's going to pull 10's.

More proof? Even Disney follows Khaki's Laws of Attraction. Beauty and the Beast... classic love tale of beautiful woman finding the inner beauty of a man-beast. Awww, thats so sweet. BULLSHIT. Belle was trapped in that house... had no where to go and she didn't even like the beast until she got comfortable in that mansion, met his talking pots and saw his expensive book collection. She didn't grow to love his looks; her tolerance for ugly built up. If this movie was done in 2010 and Aaron McGruder wrote the script, Belle would be the high school cheerleader who found true love in a Patrick Ewing faced guy with a mean jump shot. Beauty & the Beast Part 2: Belle, the NBA wife.

I know you guys are going to be fair and honest so, what are your thoughts? Is my tight-holed cousin right? Am I just a vain asshole with too much time on my hands? Don't you answer that last question.

Someone got their taxes back and became American Gangsta

I'm standing in a long ass line waiting to purchase movie tickets for Shutter Island when suddenly I catch a glimpse of someone that I've seen before. I couldn't quite place it... I felt like I've seen this before...

I squint a little harder and try to make out what I see not even 30 feet from me. Half animal , half man... it's mufuckin Frank Lucas rocking a full length fur coat with the matching hat looking a hot Earned Income Credit Mess.

I bust out laughing and the Agent asks me what I'm laughing at. I tell him "I spy Frank Lucas" and we both bend over in the kind of laughing that leaves your stomach in knots.

I have nothing against fur and I think the folks of PETA are borderline insane so the fact that he's draped in the fur of 32 dead premature and lab tested Koala bears doesn't disturb me at all. It's the 4 children that are with him rocking some regular ass gear that I find a little off. I couldn't figure out why in 58 degree weather would a "father" take his children to the movies wearing some discount ass fur. Nor could I figure out why he looked like Sunday night at Studio 64 and they looked like the commercial of CitiTrends.

So, of course, I stand in line and try to guess how this came about and this is what I came up with. Follow me through my demented story time... We'll call the man Furly Earl. Why? Besides the obvious, I think the name Earl is funny and it just so happens that every mufugga I know named Earl aint shit so... yeah, Furly Earl.

Furly Earl has 4 or 5 children. Baby mama wasn't working or was working and could only claim 3 of the children to get the earned and child tax credits so she decided to let Furly claim one of the children. Furly goes to the nearest makeshift, get a refund in 8 hours, subway shop of a tax preparer in an area that only the border-hoppers dwell in with little Earls social security number written on the back of a cigarette carton.

A half mexican-half Jamaican man named Junebug Santino prepares Furly Earl's taxes and tells him that with his child as a tax exemption, he can get back over $5000.00. Ecstatic, Furly Earl jumps up and does the homeboy boogie and tells Junebug to take the 700.00 fee for the rapid refund and he'll wait the 8 hours for the return.

Furly's stomach is in knots as he's waiting for his tax loan. He's pondering what he's going to do with all of the money. Pay bills? Get rims? Buy back Little Earls 360 from the pawn shop? He doesn't know.

He's taking back every time he wished that he would've pulled out of his baby mama. After all, if it wasn't for him basting her fertile turkey with his super sperm, there would'nt be a big refund like this! After the wait, Junebug comes out and tells Earl that his refund is going to be 5000 and asks if he would like his refund back in cash or on a pre-paid debit card. Furly tells him "Gimme my shit in cash nucca. Few 100's; mostly 20's. I wanna take pictures for my Facebook page".

As Furly leaves the subway shop/tax preparer, he passes by a man leaning against a hot dog cart. The guy is dressed like Sweet Daddy Williams from Good Times and he's chewing on a toothpick.

"Ay main man! Whats up with those rags?" asks Sweet Daddy

"I don't know. What you mean?" responds Furly Earl

"Nigga, you dressed like you didn't just cash a fat check. That's what I mean. Come on over to my store and I'll give you a good price on some shit like mine" says Sweet Daddy pointing to his colorful furn and matching leisure suit fresh from a 70's blaxploitation movie.

"Where's your store?" questions Furly.

The ex-pimp walks to the hot dog cart and pulls out a long grey fur coat and matching hat.

Furly grabs it and asks "How much?"

"How much you got?".

Furly pulls out his envelope and says "5,000".

Pimp says "Well, I normally sell them for 5500.00 but I can give it to you for 4900".

Furly never refused a good deal so he hands the man all of his money minus the 100.00 that was left and strolls off with the rat fur. He's holding his last 100.00 bill and feeling bad about not paying off his Rent-A-Center leather sofa or paying back his past due rent. His children are going to be disappointed because Furly Earl promised to buy them all a pair of sneakers.

He walks through the front door holding his fur and his children run up and ask "Daddy are we going to the mall to get our sneakers?"

"Nooooo.... we're not going to the mall to shop buuuuttttt we are going to the mall to see Alice in Wonderland!" says Furly Earl as he looks in the faces of the children that he created. "isn't that exciting?" asks Furly Earl.

The little one puffs out his chest and says "Man, you still aint shit!".

And then Agent asked me something that stopped my daydreaming.

Moral of the story: None... I just hate tax time and dumb ass people.

Deleted Comments stay in My Inbox....

Shoutout to Eaglebird for coming through, leaving a good comment and then erasing it. Shoutout to GMail for saving the comment in my inbox so that I can, copy, paste and answer to his comment on my blog. YAYYYY - everybody wins. LOL

Eaglebirds comment:
Good post its very informative about your standards on dating..But I got a couple ?'s for you,you aint got to answer them tho'.

What if they dont have there shit together completly but working hard towardsbettering themselves,and there drive to succeed still show through reguardless of any hardships or struggles they may endure do you still blow them off if they showing true effort?
And when you do find your well put together robot I mean mate how you going to expect them to fully trust that if times were to get rough for them they can count on you for support(not to take care of them but be selflessly in there corner)if the relationship was based on just the status quo and representation of your future helpmate?


Where have real geniune love between two people beyond relitives and lifelong friends go,and why do we always have to be in relationships is that the sole meaning of life,is it everyones destiny to find there soulmate,why cant males and females ever be just freinds without one or both wanting to hump on eachother,why do lightskin girls almost always perfer darkskin guys,can we as humans ever be at a happy medium as whole,does a significant other define the meaning of the others self being and identity,if a grown ass man ask a lot of dumb ?'s does that really annoy alot of women?

Sigh...
LOL j/k. I like these questions because they're honest and well thought out.
this is the thing- I think you may have gotten the wrong idea by my post or perhaps I gave off the wrong idea. I'm not this high-maintenance woman that only goes looking for Mr. Businessman. However, I am also not some woman that goes looking on the corners for dopeboys. With that being said, if introduced to a guy that I saw had potential and goals, I wouldn't be completely adverse to dating him but I would be very careful with that person.

I've dealt with these men that claim that they had aspirations to be better when in fact they were users and opportunists. I love a man with goals, aspirations and a strong desire to succeed; I'm just careful, now, to not get myself involved with men looking for someone to upgrade them.

Also, I am not looking for a robot or the perfect man and i hope no woman is looking for Mr. Perfect. If I happen to find a guy that's right for me, I would be supportive of that man regardless of his future circumstances. Again, I'm no tack head looking for someone with Donald Trump money so it's not about the materialistic things that can be given to me.

I guess the point of my blog was to address that men and women need to evaluate themselves and examine who they allow or want in their lives. In order to do that, we must determine what we want in a spouse and consider what we have to offer to that person.

In regards to your other questions- I think i will do posts to them. Thanks for the future topics. LOL

Broke Ass, Aint Shit Niggas Need Not Apply: Qualified Pt.1

Elite and successful business in search of new associate for the highly beneficial full-time position of Head of Romantic Relations Division. As a team player of this organization, the associate will receive benefits that include, but not limited to, comprehensive sexual, physical and mental benefits. This is a full-time position with 24 hour attention required so applicants with outside employment (wife, girlfriend, jumpoff) will NOT be considered for hire.

Here at Khaki la'Docker Enterprises, we believe that if we expect a man's continued energy, support and commitment at work, we must provide the right environment for that to happen. We aim to make a relationship, within the organization, a fulfilling experience. We want our man to be positive and enthusiastic about this relationship, with a clear sense of purpose, and pride in their individual contribution to this company's success. We look for characteristics and values such as teamwork, integrity, vulnerability, strong communication skills , flexibility (we like to do naughty things), and most importantly- loyalty.

When I wrote- Now Hiring- some may have thought I was joking or not being as serious as I really was. In all actuality, I put a lot of thought into that ideology and I choose to go with that theory for the remainder of my life when choosing a mate.

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted in a man besides the physical and materialistic things that could be offered to me. Now that I've encountered the "aint shit" men that this world has to offer, it is certainly clear to me what I want and what qualifies someone to be in my life.

Too many times women devalue themselves just to be in a relationship with someone that they know is not qualified for their company.( Lord knows that was the case with the last "man" I was with.) They have all of the benefits and success that would make them a sought after enterprise, yet they go looking through the slums of the city in search of these Burger King men that they believe they can train to make them qualified for the position. Be honest- how far do you think you can get with an uneducated mail room attendant when you're making 6 figures especially if all the man wants to do is sort mail? Let the fucker sort mail and stop trying to camouflage his "aint shitness" with a business suit and gators. Underneath all that silly putty you molded him in, it's still quite apparent that he ain't shit by his demeanor, lack of communication skills and actions. "Upgrade you" is a catchy yet non-realistic song- definitely not something you should choose as a life standard.

This isn't to knock men because there are a lot of AINT SHIT women out here looking for an Executive position but can't spell Executive. There's an abundance of women searching for Mr. Right but they aren't Mrs. Right. Leeches. Hoes. Gold-diggers. Whores... you know em. They walk around here complaining that there aren't any good men in the world and threaten to "go gay" or date a white man due to the lack of "good men" out here. Meanwhile, they are sitting in their mothers basement with their 3 kids with 4 (yeah, i know the math) different daddies waiting for a check to come.

One could assume that due to my age- 23-that I don't know what I want out of life or a man when in reality, I'm not a silly woman that needs to be 30 before I realize that I don't want one of those men I have to build or mold into what I want. I like my men put together already. I'm not Bob the damn Builder and I refuse to construct the perfect man just so he can get ahead of himself and jump ship for the next bitch to reap the benefits.

So- women and MEN evaluate yourselves and determine what you want out of your relationship, who you want to be in a relationship with and what you can offer to them.

I know what I want, what I have to offer and who I considered qualified... and all I have to say is Broke ass, Aint Shint niggas need not apply.

EDIT: Human Resources: Relationships

I've been thinking (i do that from time to time) about possibly doing the relationship thing again and having a boyfriend... *sigh as I recount my adventures of being single* and I questioned... how the hell am I going to go about doing that? The last boyfriend I had was Lurch and we had met in high school. Back then it was easy... you pick out the cutest guy, do that bullshit flirting, exchange phone numbers, and then send a note asking to check "yes" or "no". Saying "yes" meant that you were now "going together" and dry humping would later occur. Ah, the good ole days.



As an adult, it's not quite that easy. In high school, it was cool to put on your cute shit and roam the mall looking for a cute boy or go to the skating rink to wait for someone to scoop you up for the couples song. Now, it's not simple to put on your cute shit and wait for Mr. Right to ask you for your name and number. Some women have tried and most have failed with that plan. I was one of them. Once getting glammed up to head to club looking for my other half.... backfired when i entered the club to find that wasn't nothing in there but fake ass dudes looking for a piece of ass.


Anyway- it occurred to me that if I'm going to find the right one for me and not end up with a married dude- again- I must conduct this dating shit like applying for a job. Before taking on this temporary housing gig, I was in Human Resources for a year. I learned how to search for an applicant, review applications and resumes, interview, do background checks and draft letters of denial or offers of acceptance. I've learned that if a company completes all the necessary steps to hiring an employee effectively and efficiently, the chances of gaining a long-term employer/employee relationship is remarkably high. I'm thinking the same should go for personal relationships... Excuse me while I try to make sense of my thoughts and tell me what you think.



The Search: I'm not sure how this is going to work out for me because I don't search for no one BUT if I did I know that I would go to places that aren't surrounded by liquor and dim lighting. I need to be fully sober and in a well lit area if I'm going to be talking to anyone so that leaves out clubs and lounges. Others who like to go after there applicants may be interested in trying speed dating, free internet sites (myspace of facebook) and paid dating sites such as Match.com. I, on the other hand, will be just fine waiting for whatever opportunity presents itself. Hmmpf- I met a really nice dude at the gas station- remember Mr. No Draws? LMAO



Application Process/Resume: Application should consist of getting information about an applicant that pertains to what is important to you in a relationship and spouse. Of course, ask the main questions- name, birthdate, sex (you never know nowadays), marital status BUT add those additional questions that some women forget to ask- You love your mama? How's your relationship with you ex's?... this will have to be another post. LOL The Application process allows you to weed out who's eligible for a date or the "interview".



Interviewing AKA Dating: Before getting intimate or receiving an offer letter, the applicant must be able to intelligently answer in-depth questions about themselves and their life. Questions will consist of topics regarding career paths, past relationship history, and intentions. The dates should be at places that do not automatically invoke thoughts of sex and should be where you can get to know the other person. I think going to the movies is the worst 1st date as it gives no opportunity for you to get to know the other person. Try a lunch date, bowling or a sports/arcade like Dave & Busters.



Background Check- This doesn't mean that the applicant will be stalked- BUT one must do their research when allowing anyone into their home- especially if they have children. There are plenty of free websites that provide background information such as outstanding warrants and past criminal history. Also, do a quick Google, Myspace and Facebook search. Ladies, we must be safe and cautious of who we allow to blow our back out and sleep in our beds. There are a lot of monsters and creepy ass men in this world that seem like nice people until you hear about their past rape charges.



Offer Letter/Denial Letter: After a few interviews and 90 day try out of dating, it's now time to either give the applicant an offer letter with your expectations and listing of benefits OR, if you feel that this is not the right guy for the job, let him know. Let him down easy- explaining that he isn't what you are looking for but you will keep him in the database should another position come available. Don't be afraid to fire someone that's not cut out for the job. Lowering standards and allowing an unfit employee to remain in your company just as a filler can pose problems- including but not limited to early termination of relationship, high cost to maintain relationship, and poor work ethic.



Don't forget that you are looking for the same thing as these fortune 500 companies in search of the right employee; a hard working, loyal, dependable, reliable, mentally stable applicant with a good background and ability to provide and put in the work required to build a healthy relationship. You are Microsoft; don't go allowing no Burger King dudes in your company.