Thursday, October 8, 2009

EDIT: Human Resources: Relationships

I've been thinking (i do that from time to time) about possibly doing the relationship thing again and having a boyfriend... *sigh as I recount my adventures of being single* and I questioned... how the hell am I going to go about doing that? The last boyfriend I had was Lurch and we had met in high school. Back then it was easy... you pick out the cutest guy, do that bullshit flirting, exchange phone numbers, and then send a note asking to check "yes" or "no". Saying "yes" meant that you were now "going together" and dry humping would later occur. Ah, the good ole days.

As an adult, it's not quite that easy. In high school, it was cool to put on your cute shit and roam the mall looking for a cute boy or go to the skating rink to wait for someone to scoop you up for the couples song. Now, it's not simple to put on your cute shit and wait for Mr. Right to ask you for your name and number. Some women have tried and most have failed with that plan. I was one of them. Once getting glammed up to head to club looking for my other half.... backfired when i entered the club to find that wasn't nothing in there but fake ass dudes looking for a piece of ass.

Anyway- it occurred to me that if I'm going to find the right one for me and not end up with a married dude- again- I must conduct this dating shit like applying for a job. Before taking on this temporary housing gig, I was in Human Resources for a year. I learned how to search for an applicant, review applications and resumes, interview, do background checks and draft letters of denial or offers of acceptance. I've learned that if a company completes all the necessary steps to hiring an employee effectively and efficiently, the chances of gaining a long-term employer/employee relationship is remarkably high. I'm thinking the same should go for personal relationships... Excuse me while I try to make sense of my thoughts and tell me what you think.

The Search: I'm not sure how this is going to work out for me because I don't search for no one BUT if I did I know that I would go to places that aren't surrounded by liquor and dim lighting. I need to be fully sober and in a well lit area if I'm going to be talking to anyone so that leaves out clubs and lounges. Others who like to go after there applicants may be interested in trying speed dating, free internet sites (myspace of facebook) and paid dating sites such as I, on the other hand, will be just fine waiting for whatever opportunity presents itself. Hmmpf- I met a really nice dude at the gas station- remember Mr. No Draws? LMAO

Application Process/Resume: Application should consist of getting information about an applicant that pertains to what is important to you in a relationship and spouse. Of course, ask the main questions- name, birthdate, sex (you never know nowadays), marital status BUT add those additional questions that some women forget to ask- You love your mama? How's your relationship with you ex's?... this will have to be another post. LOL The Application process allows you to weed out who's eligible for a date or the "interview".

Interviewing AKA Dating: Before getting intimate or receiving an offer letter, the applicant must be able to intelligently answer in-depth questions about themselves and their life. Questions will consist of topics regarding career paths, past relationship history, and intentions. The dates should be at places that do not automatically invoke thoughts of sex and should be where you can get to know the other person. I think going to the movies is the worst 1st date as it gives no opportunity for you to get to know the other person. Try a lunch date, bowling or a sports/arcade like Dave & Busters.

Background Check- This doesn't mean that the applicant will be stalked- BUT one must do their research when allowing anyone into their home- especially if they have children. There are plenty of free websites that provide background information such as outstanding warrants and past criminal history. Also, do a quick Google, Myspace and Facebook search. Ladies, we must be safe and cautious of who we allow to blow our back out and sleep in our beds. There are a lot of monsters and creepy ass men in this world that seem like nice people until you hear about their past rape charges.

Offer Letter/Denial Letter: After a few interviews and 90 day try out of dating, it's now time to either give the applicant an offer letter with your expectations and listing of benefits OR, if you feel that this is not the right guy for the job, let him know. Let him down easy- explaining that he isn't what you are looking for but you will keep him in the database should another position come available. Don't be afraid to fire someone that's not cut out for the job. Lowering standards and allowing an unfit employee to remain in your company just as a filler can pose problems- including but not limited to early termination of relationship, high cost to maintain relationship, and poor work ethic.

Don't forget that you are looking for the same thing as these fortune 500 companies in search of the right employee; a hard working, loyal, dependable, reliable, mentally stable applicant with a good background and ability to provide and put in the work required to build a healthy relationship. You are Microsoft; don't go allowing no Burger King dudes in your company.


Eurydice said...

girl this is hilarious!

I'm with you. these days you gotta screen men because people are all types of crazy

Mista Jaycee said...

Looks like your corporation is great and it's a wonderful thing. I hope you find a most worthy applicant however I want to be your new Blogger. You know that blogs that gives you something to think about but makes you laugh to. So come by. I hate clowns, smoove jazz and tight binding underwear and battle them daily!

.נazzy. ♥♥ said...

o! i'm definitely co-signing! let me know when you make those apps. so i can print some off. C=

PhlyyGirl said...

YESSSSSS @ "Don't let these Burger King dudes in your company"
WHOOOOLEEE lotta chicks would be saved heartbreak if they conducted relations like this.

aRRe said...

this was THEE illest shit Ive read all day! or week shit. lol.

khaki said...

@arre.... thank ya my dear

Miss.Stefanie said...

I love this!!!!!!!!!!

Unbreakable said...

From a dude perspective this could be very creepy if you ask me! however it could be a great idea if it goes undetected by the dude.

Where we all go wrong is that we often don't date a person we go out a couple time and them were are going steady. Dating is a process that should be completed before we hit the home run.

Great idea none the less

* ! zodiac ! * said...

well, u gotta make sure the nigga is correct so i say go for it, but since im in high school u made me realize how easy i have it (for now)hmm..maybe i should get more aggressive and less shy with nijel???

HIP HOP said...





☆αmbєr said...

so im about direct all my friends to this post. amazing way of putting things in perspective. "dont be letting no burger king dude run your fortune 500 company" well put.

☆Reese✮ said...

Ok I'm mad that I JUST saw this, but Khaki do me a favor and exit stage left outta my life! Lmao You really sat down and wrote all this..and I LOVE IT!
ooh if you're the HR dept, can I be security? Mace, flashlight *mumbles* a stun gun

Prissy said...

I co-sign with Arre on this...this is the best post I have read all week. But as I was reading along I was thinking to myself, don't women already do this mentally? or is it just me? I love the interviewing stage and the background check part tho. They're the most important parts in my opinion. But hun, I seriously don't think you should go out looking for any man cuz when you do that's when you attract the wrong ones...THE LAW OF ATTRACTION! hehe it bites us women every time.

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