How to Not Get Stabbed in the Throat: A Womans Guide to Avoiding Ignant Niggas

Ms. Eyes on the Prize asked a very good question in the comments section of the last post: " So WTF are we supposed to do?". Walk away? No, then he'll shoot you in the knees or call you a dumb bitch before spitting on you. Cuss him out? Absolutely not! The hoodlum would probably stab you in the throat with a rat tail comb and no one wants to be stabbed in the throat.



As the Mr. said previously, there is nothing wrong with a guy approaching you or "trying to holla". However, we aren't talking about the respectful regular guys that can take "no" for an answer. Today, we're going to go over some safety tips and rebuttals for those 78 degrees and over Ignant Niggas. Take out your notepad... or copy, paste and send this as a chain letter to all of your girlfriends. We're trying to save lives.

If you ever find yourself about to become a possible victim of hollarassment remember this word

I.G.N.A.N.T

I: Ignore- Novice I.N : This one is tricky and it takes time and practice to become a pro at nicely ignoring someone. The last thing you want to do is come off as a bougie bitch by looking at the I.N's then ignoring them. ironically, they don't like to be disrespected by being disregarded so doing so will usually end up with obscenities and/or violence. Simply put: preoccupy yourself = nicely ignoring. If you see yourself about to encounter an I.N or, worse, a GROUP of I.N's, pull out your cell phone and call somebody. I don't care who it is... call your grandmother, your auntie...shit, call the movie hot line or local carry out. Whatever you do... look busy, seem engaged in your conversation and don't give the I.N's any eye contact. Yeah, you'll feel like an idiot for laughing ridiculously loud at the pre-recorded time but you still have your face intact, now don't you? This will usually get you away from being approached by the novice.


G: Go the other way- Unless you are absolutely, positively stuck go the other way. Avoid, avoid, avoid. As soon as you see any sign of warm weather, put your "Ignant Nigga" radar on and when it starts beeping slowly and letting you know there's imminent danger, go the other way. Now is not the time to "keep it real". You wont look like a bitch by avoiding the thugs selling bootleg DVD's. As long as you look busy on your fake phone call laughing like you've never heard that joke before, they'll just think you changed your mind. Doesn't matter that you're a punk bitch and you cant pay for your gas... you're a punk bitch with no bullet holes and that's all that matters.


N: Nice Smile- Intermediate I.N's: There will come a time when you're caught off guard by an Intermediate Ignant Nigga. You wont be able to phone a friend, pick a clue or ask the audience... no lifelines just you and the Ignant Nigga. One of these times will be in the club- where the Ignant Niggas seem to be in sporadic clusters everywhere. They're unavoidable so if, and when, you get approached by one... give them a nice smile and go on about your business. Smile should be just enough to let them know that you recognize them--- 6 teeth maximum. Too little of a smile and you'll seem scared which you probably are BUT I.N's live off of fear so show no signs of fear. Remember 6 teeth only. Go head and be brave and show all your fronts, and then when you deny them, end up with none. if they see more than the 6, they see pussy. Don't question me. Head tilt- OK but body language should still speak "I'm just trying to be nice and not get robbed or shot". The Intermediate I.N will catch a hint and realize that there is too much pussy to be chased to worry about yours and will usually walk away defeated but not violent.







A: Acknowledge and Listen: SuperIgnant Niggas- The super Ignant Niggas are not going to read your body language. Most of them cant even read so they will go on with their lame lines, requests for your number and not even notice that you are backing away slowly. More than likely, if they're with their boys, you wont even be able to back away because they'll have you surrounded like pit bulls around kitten. So, do what you have to do... acknowledge him and listen to what he has to say. If he's trying to "holla", take him out of his routine and extend your arm for a handshake. Listen to whatever it is that he's trying to say. Don't blow him off. Plain and simple- be nice but not too nice. Hear him out and go to the next step.


N.No... T. Thank You: After he's offered to take you to the motel or commented on your phat ass, its time for the rebuttal. Don't go getting long-winded with excuses an shit. "i have a man/woman" means nothing to the ignant nigga. He's going to ask you if you can have friends. If youre dumb, youre going to say No and then... the ignance is going to start. I.N's are simple therefore your rebuttal should be the same. If I'm in the club, I'll hit a dude with "Sorry, but Im not here for looking for anyone; just trying to be here for my homegirl who's going through a rough time. Thank you coming over here though" smile, walk away and SAFE. Whatever you say, begin it with some form of "no" and end it with a "thank you". No one is going to hit you with a beer bottle if you're polite. Well, maybe them Wire niggas but you'll never run into them unless you live on the block so you're safe.


and just because I care... here's three more tips for you.


Stop claiming gay unless youre really gay or paid your gay dues: Now, I don't use the "I'm Gay" excuse for two reasons... 1. I'm not gay and gay people work too hard to be gay for me just to claim gayness to avoid unwanted penis. Eh, I got morals an' shit. and 2. Most I.N's don't care. Most of them would invite you and your girl. Then, if you get the Super I.N's, you could end up like the ending of Women of Brewster's Place with some thug trying to change your sexuality with forceful penis. No, maam - I'm good. I would say that if you can pull it off, go for it.


Turn the music up: I fucking hate red lights for this reason: I.N's will disrupt your traveling to say something ignant to you and you cant do shit without getting a 75.00 red light ticket. Two options: pace your slow down to avoid coming up side to side with them or turn your music up loud enough to drown them out. The key is to see them before they see you and already have your music up so you wont seem like you're trying to ignore them. Remember, politely ignoring = no stitches. I've heard of niggas throwing piss filled bottles into a chicks car so don't think because you can speed off you wont be disrespected.

Giving out wrong numbers is old school: I.N's have gotten hip to the whole "give a nigga the wrong number"play. They'll ask you to call their phone so they can store you or they'll dial your shit while you stand there. Now try walking back to your car after you just lied to an ignant nigga. Best bet is to not give in. Now, if you feel like this mufucka isnt going to budge and you fear for your life, go ahead and give him your number but make sure you take his so you know when to not pick up. If he's pressed and calls you from a different number, you can always hang up or stop answering. I wouldnt do that to someone that you may run into frequently though.

This is an excerpt from the higly anticipated best seller "A Womans Guide to Avoiding Ignant Niggas" by Khaki La'Docker. Copies will be on Craigslist for all those interested in the full copy.

Coming to a corner store near you: Khaki's Decoy Kit for Avoiding Ignance.

"Bitch, please!" of the week award goes to...

I fell victim to another reality television show- What Chilli Wants. Yup, another VH1 production following a pseudo celebrity looking for love. How original?

This time the seeker of love is TLC member Chilli. Now, this isn't the typical elimination type of dating show a la Love of Ray J or Flava of Love where someone gets booted off weekly and then the lucky "winner" ends us with gold front or some other coon shit. This one is like a breath of fresh air... okay, that may be pushing it... but the show is different. What Chilli Wants actually focuses on... well, what Chilli wants. Kudos to Vh1 for the creative title. :rolls eyes:

So, the show starts off with Chilli describing what she wants in a man to her dating/love coach Tionna Smalls. After hearing the 14th requirement, I'm looking at Chilli like she has 9 titties and Naomi Campbell's edgeless hairline. She tells her coach that he has to be finer than Denzel, intelligent, cant drink, cant smoke, cant eat pork, blah, blah, blah and the most important and agreeable part- have a big dick.

As someone that refuses to settle and has a list of my own, I understand where she's coming from; however, I also have to question whether these "requirements" are realistic expectations.

Is it really possible to meet a man that has the perfect body, perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect dick, and perfect mind??? Does that man even exist?

I don't believe for one second that he does exist and I think Chilli- along with millions of other women- have set the bar so damn high that even the President of the US couldn't reach it. Again, no woman should settle for a man that isn't up to her standards BUT shouldn't women question if it's really fair to themselves to miss out on what could possibly be the perfect man for them just because his taste buds desire the rank taste of pig ears?

Unless you have an extreme phobia for pink meat, i would say that a smothered pig ass shouldn't outweigh a respectful, god-fearing, charming and intelligent man.

Women and men should have standards and shouldn't compromise on the characteristics that makes someone a good person or mate. Know whats really important to you in a relationship and focus on qualities instead of the materialistic and vain characteristics that you think are going to make you happy. Wealthy with good hair does not equal good husband not now or ever.

Standards and expectations should align with what you're bringing to the table. You want Denzel? You better not look like Precious! Six pack is a must? That's fine, but your gut shouldn't have any hang time. Big dick must equal good pussy with elastic walls. Asking for a man with money and a Master's when you owe everyone from Rainbow to Capital One and barely have your cosmetology certificate is not going to work.

The point to all of this is simple- How do you know what will make the perfect man if you've never met the perfect man? There isnt a man or woman in the world that can measure up to unrealistic standards. You don't have to agree or even like what I said just watch the show and see how far the woman who has been single for 7 years gets with her list. My money is on her ending up with nobody or Floyd Mayweather- who doesn't drink, smoke or eat pork but couldn't beat Denzel in the looks department if he was offered a belt.

So, folks, do you have a list? What's on it? Are you willing to compromise at all? Does compromise = settling? Thoughts?

Someone got their taxes back and became American Gangsta

I'm standing in a long ass line waiting to purchase movie tickets for Shutter Island when suddenly I catch a glimpse of someone that I've seen before. I couldn't quite place it... I felt like I've seen this before...

I squint a little harder and try to make out what I see not even 30 feet from me. Half animal , half man... it's mufuckin Frank Lucas rocking a full length fur coat with the matching hat looking a hot Earned Income Credit Mess.

I bust out laughing and the Agent asks me what I'm laughing at. I tell him "I spy Frank Lucas" and we both bend over in the kind of laughing that leaves your stomach in knots.

I have nothing against fur and I think the folks of PETA are borderline insane so the fact that he's draped in the fur of 32 dead premature and lab tested Koala bears doesn't disturb me at all. It's the 4 children that are with him rocking some regular ass gear that I find a little off. I couldn't figure out why in 58 degree weather would a "father" take his children to the movies wearing some discount ass fur. Nor could I figure out why he looked like Sunday night at Studio 64 and they looked like the commercial of CitiTrends.

So, of course, I stand in line and try to guess how this came about and this is what I came up with. Follow me through my demented story time... We'll call the man Furly Earl. Why? Besides the obvious, I think the name Earl is funny and it just so happens that every mufugga I know named Earl aint shit so... yeah, Furly Earl.

Furly Earl has 4 or 5 children. Baby mama wasn't working or was working and could only claim 3 of the children to get the earned and child tax credits so she decided to let Furly claim one of the children. Furly goes to the nearest makeshift, get a refund in 8 hours, subway shop of a tax preparer in an area that only the border-hoppers dwell in with little Earls social security number written on the back of a cigarette carton.

A half mexican-half Jamaican man named Junebug Santino prepares Furly Earl's taxes and tells him that with his child as a tax exemption, he can get back over $5000.00. Ecstatic, Furly Earl jumps up and does the homeboy boogie and tells Junebug to take the 700.00 fee for the rapid refund and he'll wait the 8 hours for the return.

Furly's stomach is in knots as he's waiting for his tax loan. He's pondering what he's going to do with all of the money. Pay bills? Get rims? Buy back Little Earls 360 from the pawn shop? He doesn't know.

He's taking back every time he wished that he would've pulled out of his baby mama. After all, if it wasn't for him basting her fertile turkey with his super sperm, there would'nt be a big refund like this! After the wait, Junebug comes out and tells Earl that his refund is going to be 5000 and asks if he would like his refund back in cash or on a pre-paid debit card. Furly tells him "Gimme my shit in cash nucca. Few 100's; mostly 20's. I wanna take pictures for my Facebook page".

As Furly leaves the subway shop/tax preparer, he passes by a man leaning against a hot dog cart. The guy is dressed like Sweet Daddy Williams from Good Times and he's chewing on a toothpick.

"Ay main man! Whats up with those rags?" asks Sweet Daddy

"I don't know. What you mean?" responds Furly Earl

"Nigga, you dressed like you didn't just cash a fat check. That's what I mean. Come on over to my store and I'll give you a good price on some shit like mine" says Sweet Daddy pointing to his colorful furn and matching leisure suit fresh from a 70's blaxploitation movie.

"Where's your store?" questions Furly.

The ex-pimp walks to the hot dog cart and pulls out a long grey fur coat and matching hat.

Furly grabs it and asks "How much?"

"How much you got?".

Furly pulls out his envelope and says "5,000".

Pimp says "Well, I normally sell them for 5500.00 but I can give it to you for 4900".

Furly never refused a good deal so he hands the man all of his money minus the 100.00 that was left and strolls off with the rat fur. He's holding his last 100.00 bill and feeling bad about not paying off his Rent-A-Center leather sofa or paying back his past due rent. His children are going to be disappointed because Furly Earl promised to buy them all a pair of sneakers.

He walks through the front door holding his fur and his children run up and ask "Daddy are we going to the mall to get our sneakers?"

"Nooooo.... we're not going to the mall to shop buuuuttttt we are going to the mall to see Alice in Wonderland!" says Furly Earl as he looks in the faces of the children that he created. "isn't that exciting?" asks Furly Earl.

The little one puffs out his chest and says "Man, you still aint shit!".

And then Agent asked me something that stopped my daydreaming.

Moral of the story: None... I just hate tax time and dumb ass people.

Yup, you're a terrible fucker!

I'm sitting here and wondering... how do you know when you're a bad fucker? Are there people walking around thinking that they put it down or give the best head when, in fact, they are actually terrible in the bedroom? I'm thinking that people either (A) don't know because no one ever told them or (B) they're selfish bastards that know and only care about getting their nut.

For those that don't know... here are some clues to help you out.

I have to pee: If after having sex, she gets up and says that she has to go to the bathroom and comes back fully clothed, your sex is wack. She doesn't have to pee and more than likely she's laughing at you, calling the next dude or turning on the Rabbit to finish what you started.

Human Blow-up Doll: If you just lay there, stiff as a board looking like a damn corpse while he does all the work, your sex is wack. No man wants to fuck a stationary woman that makes no sound or even blinks. Dating and courting a woman that just lays there isn't cost efficient at all. After spending money on movies, flowers, gifts, dinner and all that other shit women want, wouldn't it be fair to say that a man has earned some good pussy? Dinner and movie = 150.00... Blow up doll= 50.00. I'm just saying.

No entry: If you only get called over for oral, your sex is bad. Most women want both so she only wants head from you, more than likely, your dick game wack. Giving good head is not enough and the most that it will do is land you in the pile of "folks i call when i want nothing but head". Those people getting called very rarely.

Two Pump Chump: If you put it in and then bust after 3 1/2 pumps, you're a terrible fucker. No woman wants a man that cant last long enough to make them cum. Women hate to waste pussy juice. Pussy juice is just as valuable as... money. Shit, coochie fluid is so damn valuable that companies make millions of dollars just off of replications. I've even thought about bottling some of this up in a juice container and marketing it as Vaggiejuice- the real V-8 splash. I digress-women understand the value of their juice, so if you waste it and their time, you will not be called back for a second chance.

In, Out, Suck, Bust: Boring ass sex routines will give you the reputation of being a terrible fucker. Women that hop on the dick but ride with no rhythm, barely moves, and does the same up and down motion aren't using their vagina to the best of their ability which in most states is a punishable crime*. Men that have the same stroke or the routine of feel, eat, pump, bust will laughed at by women. People like variety and spontaneity especially with sex. Switching up the routine or adding elements to heighten the experience will, almost always, make you a good fucker.

Who needs an Ambien, when you've got dick: I cant remember but... It was either a wise man or an old Chinese proverb that stated "if she doesn't roll over and go to sleep, you got more fucking to do". Whoever said it, it's true. If after we're done, I get up and start drawing on the etch-A-Sketch or watching old episodes of Law and Order, i have not been sexually fulfilled and your sex was bad. I always know when it's good if im snoring almost immediately after we're done. Not that light snore either... that "what the fuck kinda noise is that" snore and if he can sleep through my snore after we're done, I know that I've done my part too.

Laughter: If her friends don't respect you or laugh when you walk away, they're talking about you and, more often than not, it's about you in the bedroom.

One day you may be told that you're bullshit in bed and it will hurt your heart and soul. No one wants to be bad in bed. No one wants to end up on girldontfuckhim.com but you must accept it, take responsibility and try to get better. Watch flicks... take a class... read a book- just do SOMETHING. Being in denial, calling him/her a bitch and saying it's because they're mad because of blah, blah, blah isn't going to solve anything. Trust me, they aren't saying it just because they're mad, they're telling you because it's true. They've just been holding it in their back pocket for the prime opportunity to hurt your pride.

If you really want to know if your sex is horrible and you don't think any of the above items apply to you, try this test... pick a fight with your girlfriend. Make her as mad as you can. If she says some shit like "man fuck you and that little ass dick with your cant get it up always gotta beat off cuz you nutted too fast ass!", you cant fuck. If you piss her off, go in to have make up sex and she opens up... well, you figure it out.

EDIT: Hoodrat Barbie Doll = Ingenious Marketing?

Edit: 12/10.. this is the original post that I drafted but didn't post due to it being so long. Once I saw that my blog was being perceived differently than what I intended, I decided to just include the original blog. PS- Stacie Ann, I think I cleaned it up a little. What you think? ;)

Nicki Minaj... *sigh*

Internet and radio stations have been buzzing about a new female rapper from NY making a name for herself with Young Money. Nicki Minaj- known for calling herself a Barbie doll and emulating Lil Kim's infamous crotch exposed pose- can be heard on a few radio hits such as Five Star Chick and I Get Crazy. I've heard a few of her mixtape singles and I've been reading a lot about her lately but, in all honesty, I'm not feeling it or her. The beat is dope on I Get Crazy but pair that with her high-pitched cartoon-esque voice that would even make a child nauseous and there is little left to be desired.

Lyrically, I'm not impressed. Take away the beat and really listen to the words, you are almost instantly dumbed down and may be missing a few brain cells from her excessive use of remedial analogies. Still I Rise from one of her last mixtapes goes in on everyone that makes assumptions about her race and sexual orientation and compares her to Lil Kim yet, ironically, reminds me of the Lil Kim's Shut Up off of The Naked Truth album. As a matter of fact, a lot of the things she does remind me of Lil Kim (black Lil Kim and light Lil Kim) but this isn't about jacking swag, talent (or lack thereof), or music of Nicki Minaj but of the image that she is now presenting to mainstream audiences.

Nicki started out the epitome of what a lot of young urban girls in New York are. She had that "bout to go get a lollipop and 25cent juice from the bodega" look when she was grinding to get signed. Slowly but surely, she mutated herself into what Lil Kim was attempting to be with the extreme makeovers and, while it's actually working out for Nicki, I'm not sure if it's for the best. Most shunned Lil Kim when she went from her wide-nosed, dark hair, thick in the hips image to a blond-weaved, blue eyed, lighter version of her old self. With Nicki Minaj, women and young girls alike are actually embracing her new image. You see grown ass women walking around with blue and pink hair and bright ass eyeshadow calling themselves Barbies and 5 star chicks because Minaj is doing it. I cant even count how many times I have heard some hoodrat chick say "I just had an epiphany... I need to go to Tiffany's". Sad but true.

I see pictures of the old Minaj and the new one and I question "Who is the real Nicki?". Was this Nicki created to be marketed towards younger girls or was this a poor attempt to establish female presence in the rap game? Will calling yourself a Barbie, being sexually explicit and rocking leather corsets really make me want to listen to you? Nope- but, unfortunately, to some misguided little girl that could be the case and that's just sad.

Nicki started out with the imagery that a lot of young girls that aspire to be rappers could actually look up to. While her lyrics were still a bit raunchy and inappropriate for the younger generation, they were at least good enough to get her a record deal. So, why change? Is it ever okay to make your fans think that you can not compete in a male dominated industry unless you give crotch shots, call yourself a Barbie, and auto tune yourself out to the point that you to sound like a trannified version of Lil Wayne? At one time, Nicki represented female empowerment in a world that only men were allowed into. Now, with the help of Lil Wayne and Young Money, she has morphed into the classic and overly sexual "hoodrat" bitch amongst a group of male rappers. When I look at her, I don't see an original rapper. I see a clusterfuck of female stereotypes that were started a long time ago when "No Time" came out.

Sorry, Nicki, we don't need another Lil Kim or Foxy. We don't need another female rapper exposing young girls to the fantasy bullshit of Barbies with blond wigs and surgically enhanced asses. Yes, you got your record deal and people are now talking. Your new image- while a cheap imitation of what we've seen for years- is ingenious. You took something that has been done before and got folks to see you as an "original". However, how much was it worth? The female empowerment and legacy that the original female rappers Roxanne Shante, Queen Latifah, Salt N Pepa, Mc Lyte worked so hard for? Ok, I guess.

To be fair, I'll let her come out with an album before I dedicate a "Why are you breathing?" post to her.(shout out to Don for resurrecting that post)

Cruel and Unusual Punishment...

The DC sniper was executed via lethal injection last night and I don't know how I feel about it. Although I wasn't a direct victim or family member of a victim, I indirectly experienced Mohammad's terror by fearing white cargo vans and wanting to stay in the house during my senior year of high school so I understand why people wanted to see him dead. However, I always thought that the death penalty was quite cruel and unusual punishment. I've had friends killed but never have I wished death upon the person that murdered them. I'd rather they sit in a prison and be rehabilitated to become better people.

I never understood how the government or 12 people in a jury could control and dictate who should live and who should die or what crimes were deemed punishable by death. As a country that believes in "one nation under God", how can the government choose who lives and who dies? I thought that was up to the Almighty One. There are people that rape children and eternally kill their mental being but do not get the punishment of a murderer.

Belovedone made a very valid point when she questioned when Scott Peterson's needle would be ready. I cant help but to think that race and financial status of the victims play a part in who gets the death penalty. If a poor black man kills another poor black man will he get the death penalty? Probably not. I've seen killers get off for "technicalities". Now let a poor black man kill a rich white woman- I can say that, more than likely, he will receive the death penalty depending on what racist ass state he's tried in.

My point in this matter is that I don't believe in the death penalty but I understand why a victim/family member wouldn't be opposed to it.

Deleted Comments stay in My Inbox....

Shoutout to Eaglebird for coming through, leaving a good comment and then erasing it. Shoutout to GMail for saving the comment in my inbox so that I can, copy, paste and answer to his comment on my blog. YAYYYY - everybody wins. LOL

Eaglebirds comment:
Good post its very informative about your standards on dating..But I got a couple ?'s for you,you aint got to answer them tho'.

What if they dont have there shit together completly but working hard towardsbettering themselves,and there drive to succeed still show through reguardless of any hardships or struggles they may endure do you still blow them off if they showing true effort?
And when you do find your well put together robot I mean mate how you going to expect them to fully trust that if times were to get rough for them they can count on you for support(not to take care of them but be selflessly in there corner)if the relationship was based on just the status quo and representation of your future helpmate?


Where have real geniune love between two people beyond relitives and lifelong friends go,and why do we always have to be in relationships is that the sole meaning of life,is it everyones destiny to find there soulmate,why cant males and females ever be just freinds without one or both wanting to hump on eachother,why do lightskin girls almost always perfer darkskin guys,can we as humans ever be at a happy medium as whole,does a significant other define the meaning of the others self being and identity,if a grown ass man ask a lot of dumb ?'s does that really annoy alot of women?

Sigh...
LOL j/k. I like these questions because they're honest and well thought out.
this is the thing- I think you may have gotten the wrong idea by my post or perhaps I gave off the wrong idea. I'm not this high-maintenance woman that only goes looking for Mr. Businessman. However, I am also not some woman that goes looking on the corners for dopeboys. With that being said, if introduced to a guy that I saw had potential and goals, I wouldn't be completely adverse to dating him but I would be very careful with that person.

I've dealt with these men that claim that they had aspirations to be better when in fact they were users and opportunists. I love a man with goals, aspirations and a strong desire to succeed; I'm just careful, now, to not get myself involved with men looking for someone to upgrade them.

Also, I am not looking for a robot or the perfect man and i hope no woman is looking for Mr. Perfect. If I happen to find a guy that's right for me, I would be supportive of that man regardless of his future circumstances. Again, I'm no tack head looking for someone with Donald Trump money so it's not about the materialistic things that can be given to me.

I guess the point of my blog was to address that men and women need to evaluate themselves and examine who they allow or want in their lives. In order to do that, we must determine what we want in a spouse and consider what we have to offer to that person.

In regards to your other questions- I think i will do posts to them. Thanks for the future topics. LOL

Broke Ass, Aint Shit Niggas Need Not Apply: Qualified Pt.1

Elite and successful business in search of new associate for the highly beneficial full-time position of Head of Romantic Relations Division. As a team player of this organization, the associate will receive benefits that include, but not limited to, comprehensive sexual, physical and mental benefits. This is a full-time position with 24 hour attention required so applicants with outside employment (wife, girlfriend, jumpoff) will NOT be considered for hire.

Here at Khaki la'Docker Enterprises, we believe that if we expect a man's continued energy, support and commitment at work, we must provide the right environment for that to happen. We aim to make a relationship, within the organization, a fulfilling experience. We want our man to be positive and enthusiastic about this relationship, with a clear sense of purpose, and pride in their individual contribution to this company's success. We look for characteristics and values such as teamwork, integrity, vulnerability, strong communication skills , flexibility (we like to do naughty things), and most importantly- loyalty.

When I wrote- Now Hiring- some may have thought I was joking or not being as serious as I really was. In all actuality, I put a lot of thought into that ideology and I choose to go with that theory for the remainder of my life when choosing a mate.

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted in a man besides the physical and materialistic things that could be offered to me. Now that I've encountered the "aint shit" men that this world has to offer, it is certainly clear to me what I want and what qualifies someone to be in my life.

Too many times women devalue themselves just to be in a relationship with someone that they know is not qualified for their company.( Lord knows that was the case with the last "man" I was with.) They have all of the benefits and success that would make them a sought after enterprise, yet they go looking through the slums of the city in search of these Burger King men that they believe they can train to make them qualified for the position. Be honest- how far do you think you can get with an uneducated mail room attendant when you're making 6 figures especially if all the man wants to do is sort mail? Let the fucker sort mail and stop trying to camouflage his "aint shitness" with a business suit and gators. Underneath all that silly putty you molded him in, it's still quite apparent that he ain't shit by his demeanor, lack of communication skills and actions. "Upgrade you" is a catchy yet non-realistic song- definitely not something you should choose as a life standard.

This isn't to knock men because there are a lot of AINT SHIT women out here looking for an Executive position but can't spell Executive. There's an abundance of women searching for Mr. Right but they aren't Mrs. Right. Leeches. Hoes. Gold-diggers. Whores... you know em. They walk around here complaining that there aren't any good men in the world and threaten to "go gay" or date a white man due to the lack of "good men" out here. Meanwhile, they are sitting in their mothers basement with their 3 kids with 4 (yeah, i know the math) different daddies waiting for a check to come.

One could assume that due to my age- 23-that I don't know what I want out of life or a man when in reality, I'm not a silly woman that needs to be 30 before I realize that I don't want one of those men I have to build or mold into what I want. I like my men put together already. I'm not Bob the damn Builder and I refuse to construct the perfect man just so he can get ahead of himself and jump ship for the next bitch to reap the benefits.

So- women and MEN evaluate yourselves and determine what you want out of your relationship, who you want to be in a relationship with and what you can offer to them.

I know what I want, what I have to offer and who I considered qualified... and all I have to say is Broke ass, Aint Shint niggas need not apply.

Cushion?

So... me and Kia have these weird conversations and somehow pussy always gets thrown in there somewhere. Not sure how but the topic of pubic hair came up and we started talking about another homie of ours who admits she don't keep her shit shaped up :(

I don't really get it... is this the norm? I thought all women either waxed or shaved. I treat shaving all bodily hair below the neck as a standardized part of hygiene. It is not OK to walk around with pussy cushion.

Sorry... I cant rock with the baldie, smooth skin, pre-pubescent pubeless snatch or the Mama Africa natural fro. I'll kindly keep my shit like a 1/2 against the grain or a Cesar- if you will. Don't want my Cookie Monster to go down there and end up picking my short and curlies outta his mouth...

Anyway, I guess my question is this... ladies, how do y'all keep y'all shit propa?

Fellas, do you care how we maintain the P? Do you have a preference?

Why Are You Breathing...

was something I used to say to people that I felt were unnecessary to the world. I stopped because I realized that we are all creatures of God's and were created for a reason known to him and I shouldn't question ones existence.

Then--- i stepped back and came to the following conclusion... "Why are you breathing?" is a legitimate question. I am a person that needs to know the why's of the world. Why is mustard yellow? Turmeric acid. Why do people have red eyes in pictures? Light reflections off of the retinas of one's eye. So, you see, I have a bunch of random ass questions that I have asked questions to and now I have millions of random facts that no one cares about stored in my brain.

But I digress... I have decided to start another series... The Why Are You Breathing Series... A series that questions random people's existence. Some people will take some real research others will remain an unanswer rhetorical question. For those critics that believe that no one should question God and I'm speaking blasphemy- trust me... I'm with you but I'm bored and this intrigues me so I'm doing it... so there!

First Up.. this man...

Akon:

Per Wikipedia: Aliaune Thiam (born April 16, 1977),[1] better known by his stage name Akon (pronounced A- CON), is a Wolof[3]Senegalese-American hip hop singer-songwriter,rapper, and record producer.

I think A-KON is A-Klown. My thoughts is that he has not contributed to society nor has he really done anything mention-worthy since he invited himself into the music industry with "Locked Up". Off the dome... I remember him gyrating and dirty dancing with a minor, throwing some kid off of a stage, being accused of being a bigamist, lying about his age and thing thing that officially makes me question his worthiness to breathe... starting the career another another individual that I question- T-Muthafucking Pain. Eh- Akon... I don't like you... don't know too many people that still support you. I think you're weird, you remind me of a cat that I colored for Halloween in elementary school yellow eyes and all, and your musical contributions are nothing more than bullshit to clog the airwaves.

The only reason I can give to answer why you are breathing is that... we need someone to sing hooks on rap songs since Nate Dogg is out of commission after his stroke. I have bad news for you though... no dude really sings on rap songs anymore so you may be S.O.L soon. However... checking my crystal ball... I see a reality show in the making for you... Home With Akon and his Wives. Uhm--- Hell No.

Something Just Aint Right...

It just occurred to me that EVERY dude I've ever smashed has always worn a Magnum condom...
Now, I've had a range of different sized dicks in my time from "I think that's gonna hurt" sized peen to "Maybe it'll get a lil bigger"to "Uhm, where is the rest of it?" to "Maybe you should just eat my pussy" sized peen.
I'm confused...

Like... I thought Magnums were supposed to be for the men with a lil more shaft. So why the fuck are little dick niggas rocking the black pack like they packing some big shit??? I don't want to hear "Shit, my dick is big, I can fit Magnums". OK honey, just because you can shimmy ya lil dick into a Magnum that does NOT mean that you have a big dick. If it slips off, or it's baggy around the head and base of ya shaft or you need to hold onto it while your fucking, its too damn big.
Never one to not give credit where it's due... I will say that those people at Trojan are fucking geniuses. They knew that the male ego is not to be fucked with and most men think that the size of their dicks determine their existence and power on Earth. So what do they do? Make lil condoms to fit average sized penises, charge more and call them Magnums so that lil dick dudes would spend the money on them.

I propose a "no vanity sizing" petition for penises and I'm sending it to the higher-ups over at Trojan. Thier concept of vanity sizing condoms is misleading and false advertising at its worst and i refuse to take it anymore. The next nigga that tries to hit it with a Magnum-covered midget will be refused pussy, will get shitted on on my blog (pic and all), and put on the national "Do NOT Fuck List". If there isn't a national list, I will make one. Matter of fact... **runs off to start a national list**