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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Make A Porno...


By no means am I an avid porno watcher or anything but I have seen a few. Most of which were some hood jawns that featured Ray Ray and LaQuan on a futon. SMH Anyway... this post had originally came from my experience seeing friend of mine watching a flick with his boys and noticing how hood it was. If it weren't for the credits at the end and the photoshopped DVD cover, i would have assumed that it was a homemade flick from some folks around the way. To sum it all up, the porno was so bad that I decided to provide my tips on how to make a "classy" flick




***Disclaimer: I have never made a pornographic movie nor do I plan on making one. I am clearly stating what I THINK would have made the porno that I was, regretfully, a witness to visually friendlier to the eyes.***


1. Personal hygiene and pubic grooming is a MUST. Genital area may be closely shaven, shaved or trimmed up. I'm sure the people that frequently watch pornos do not want to see no Mama Africa bushes wrestling with each other.


2. Make sure your appearance is up to par. For men, nappy thigh hair, crusty mouth, and war wounds are not cute. Women, if you had a csection, a little concealer goes a long way! Dab a little bit of that on stretchmarks, hyperpigmentation (dark spots) and any "flaws" you want to cover up. The camera picks up everything. Feet shouldn't look like you are allergic to lotion, hair should be neatly done, fingernails should be clean and neat, if you look hard in the face- try some MAC or some Loreal- because your worth it! I'm sorry but there is nothing sexy or intriguing about watching homeless people bump uglies so why look like your homeless?


3. CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT! You're thinking no one is going to notice/care that my place is dirty. You're wrong, girls notice everything. We notice that you have a PC sitting on top of a tote. We peeped the mismatched bedroom furniture and bedsheets. Seeing your child's dirty pamper, sippy cup and toys sprawled across your bed and floor is distracting as hell.


4. Storyline? Have one! I know the Cinemax story lines are hella corny but just popping in a DVD and it goes straight to fuckin??? If im going to watch someone else fucking, I would like a little background please.


5. Stop looking in the camera and then remember that you're on film and then try to play it off! You look stupid. He pumping the shit outta her and putting his all into it while she smiling with her eyes at the camera an' shit. You could at least look like your enjoying him sodomizing you camera whore.


6. Ambiance-You don't have an R Kelly cd lying around? Do i really have to hear the cameraman say "ok, flip her"? How about some background music or am I'm just gonna have to listen through the sound of penetrating fluids?


7. Better cameraman- Hard to get off by a shaky ass flick. Please stop recruiting these men with Parkinsons disease that cant seem to keep the camera steady. All the extra movement is unnecessary to... if you gonna switch angles, please do so slowly- you making a nigga dizzy.


8. Know your lighting and angles that work for you! If you got 22's for a stomach that reach around to your back--- Arch your back a tad bit higher (poke your but out more- think feline like) to deflate the tires. You got a wonky eye? Tilt your head on an angle with the tangled eye out of the light- and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LOOK DIRECTLY IN THE CAMERA- you will ruin it all!


9. Know your timing and don't be afraid to delete and start over- Ok, so i saw a flick that was made my a friend that totaled about 2 minutes and 12 seconds because this mufucka came so quickly. To prevent your girl from sitting in front of the camera shaking her head asking herself "why he waste my time" or showing it to her friends for a laugh, show yourself some love in the bathroom to get rid of that first nut. If you still bust early- you got 3 choices (a) delete it and try again. (b) never attempt to make a porno until you get rid of your E.D or (c) eat ass until you can get it up again. Those are your only choices and trust that if you decide to keep it or give it to shorty there will always be evidence of your inability to last and women love to bring this shit up later.


In essence, if you're going to make a movie with your spouse make sure its something that you want to see later on.
P.S I hate DurtyMo for that pic. LMAO

11 comments:

AGILES said...

LMAO WTF I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT PIC LAAAWD

☆Reese✮ said...

I hate Mo now too! I'm gon IM her and let her know she ain't shit..hussy! LOL!
OMG you slay me! But you got it all down pat girl! *applauds*
ps. I hate you for number 7 because you made me spit my water out!

SinfulLyo said...

roflmfao i hate you! that picture is going to give me nightmares :( i agree with everything you just said and can't stop dying. freshman yr of college my roomies and our neighbors watched this porno together for fun and it was atrocious. this latina chick seriously said "ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay" for fifteen minutes straight. smh!

* ! zodiac ! * said...

um..was that a man or a woman?

khaki said...

Maybe i shoulda warned yall about the pic??? LMAO

@zodiac- it's a little bit of both. LMAO

Frankie Nichelle said...

@Sinfulyo - I swear I think I saw that same flick with the AY AY AY AY AY AY hahahahahaha!

@Khaki - OMG! HI-FREAKIN-LARIOUS!!!!!!!!!
That pic....SMH!!

I remember watching one of my mom's movies as a kid and the chick had a super bush...this was back before shaving was popular..










I had to scroll down this far cuz my mom is standing behind me and I didn't want her to read what I just typed LMAO!

I've seen pornos where one (or both) of the people needed to head over to the free clinic STAT! Personal hygiene & pubic grooming was the least of their worries.
lmao@ because you're worth it

OMG only a woman would be noticing a dirty apartment in a flick. haha I'm the same way!

I hate how they're always overacting in the story lines, but it's better than nothing.

LMAO! I actually like when the director is giving orders...but I'm sick like that.

Parkinsons...DEAD!

OfficialNne said...

girl...I POSTED THIS TO MY FRIENDS..they DIED:
NOW ON A more serious note..i NEED YOUR ADVICE okay..like you always keep it real
so my boyfriend ...we have had this on and off relationship for THREE years...but since summer we ve been going strong
he recently reveiled to me that he wants to get into The 'PIMPING' Buisness..girl..I DIED
okay. like seriously. i m a modern and liberal young woman but i was raised with strong-ass christian values and i dont know how to accept his decision or if i should or how i can even talk to him..im so angry and mad. please help me

RoByn LaTice said...

This picture made me seriously want to scratch my eyeballs out. Fuck is that? Ugh!
Anywho, i agree as well. I hate when those bitches be havin' battle wounds and gunshot holes and shit. Ugh! Not attractive..and the futon?lmao!They need to do better!

Qu33n Kam... said...

Omg im laughing so damn hard that was toooo funny and i totally agree wit alll dat!! Black pornos be looking a hot ass like wat if the cameras are here?? Oops they are!! I especially cant stand bitches in pornos who hair aint done like u cudnt get them tracks together ur new growth is gross!! And they dont even be giving a damn wat the men look like,,hello women watch porno too lmao

And thats pik made me throw up in my mouth a lil that was jus plain nasty!! Lmao

Cool blog i love definitely following

Don said...

You wouldn't believe how much me and my co-worker are over here laughing at your blog post. Y


Girl, You are IGNANT! LOLOLOLOL. (meant in a very good way).

khaki said...

@Don- im happy that i can keep you and your co-worker entertained ;)

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