Make A Porno...

By no means am I an avid porno watcher or anything but I have seen a few. Most of which were some hood jawns that featured Ray Ray and LaQuan on a futon. SMH Anyway... this post had originally came from my experience seeing friend of mine watching a flick with his boys and noticing how hood it was. If it weren't for the credits at the end and the photoshopped DVD cover, i would have assumed that it was a homemade flick from some folks around the way. To sum it all up, the porno was so bad that I decided to provide my tips on how to make a "classy" flick

taken from a previous post

***Disclaimer: I have never made a pornographic movie nor do I plan on making one. I am clearly stating what I THINK would have made the porno that I was, regretfully, a witness to visually friendlier to the eyes.***

1. Personal hygiene and pubic grooming is a MUST. Genital area may be closely shaven, shaved or trimmed up. I'm sure the people that frequently watch pornos do not want to see no Mama Africa bushes wrestling with each other.

2. Make sure your appearance is up to par. For men, nappy thigh hair, crusty mouth, and war wounds are not cute. Women, if you had a csection, a little concealer goes a long way! Dab a little bit of that on stretchmarks, hyperpigmentation (dark spots) and any "flaws" you want to cover up. The camera picks up everything. Feet shouldn't look like you are allergic to lotion, hair should be neatly done, fingernails should be clean and neat, if you look hard in the face- try some MAC or some Loreal- because your worth it! I'm sorry but there is nothing sexy or intriguing about watching homeless people bump uglies so why look like your homeless?

3. CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT! You're thinking no one is going to notice/care that my place is dirty. You're wrong, girls notice everything. We notice that you have a PC sitting on top of a tote. We peeped the mismatched bedroom furniture and bedsheets. Seeing your child's dirty pamper, sippy cup and toys sprawled across your bed and floor is distracting as hell.

4. Storyline? Have one! I know the Cinemax story lines are hella corny but just popping in a DVD and it goes straight to fuckin??? If im going to watch someone else fucking, I would like a little background please.

5. Stop looking in the camera and then remember that you're on film and then try to play it off! You look stupid. He pumping the shit outta her and putting his all into it while she smiling with her eyes at the camera an' shit. You could at least look like your enjoying him sodomizing you camera whore.

6. Ambiance-You don't have an R Kelly cd lying around? Do i really have to hear the cameraman say "ok, flip her"? How about some background music or am I'm just gonna have to listen through the sound of penetrating fluids?

7. Better cameraman- Hard to get off by a shaky ass flick. Please stop recruiting these men with Parkinsons disease that cant seem to keep the camera steady. All the extra movement is unnecessary to... if you gonna switch angles, please do so slowly- you making a nigga dizzy.

8. Know your lighting and angles that work for you! If you got 22's for a stomach that reach around to your back--- Arch your back a tad bit higher (poke your but out more- think feline like) to deflate the tires. You got a wonky eye? Tilt your head on an angle with the tangled eye out of the light- and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LOOK DIRECTLY IN THE CAMERA- you will ruin it all!

9. Know your timing and don't be afraid to delete and start over- Ok, so i saw a flick that was made my a friend that totaled about 2 minutes and 12 seconds because this mufucka came so quickly. To prevent your girl from sitting in front of the camera shaking her head asking herself "why he waste my time" or showing it to her friends for a laugh, show yourself some love in the bathroom to get rid of that first nut. If you still bust early- you got 3 choices (a) delete it and try again. (b) never attempt to make a porno until you get rid of your E.D or (c) eat ass until you can get it up again. Those are your only choices and trust that if you decide to keep it or give it to shorty there will always be evidence of your inability to last and women love to bring this shit up later.

In essence, if you're going to make a movie with your spouse make sure its something that you want to see later on.

P.S I hate DurtyMo for that pic. LMAO