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Monday, April 12, 2010

Khaki's 30 Day Quest to Phone Sex: Attempt 1- FAIL


As you all know, my husband lives in another state and because of this we have to find alternative ways to express our sexual feelings since the distance is keeping him from actually slurping up my V8 splash on the usual nightly basis.


just kidding... the Rockstar- who I affectionately renamed Crack- "joked" about phone sex last night and it led me to wonder... how do you do it and why havent I done it before?


Truth be told- I'm a jokester. I talk good game but I'm not into shit like phone sex and I don't even masturbate. :insert frown face: Pathetic, I know.

I have a weird, teenageish-mid twentyish, couldn't-call-the-school-to- get-anyone-out-of trouble, sometimes raspy voice that doesn't seem to be phone sex worthy.I can type pussy in 32 languages but cant say it pay-per-minuteish. There's nothing "sexy" about my voice or the way I speak. I dont do all that talking in the bedroom. None of that, "fuck me daddy", "deeper, harder, faster" type shit. I'm not one of those girls that can call a dude and make his dick hard when I say cum. From time to time, I can be quite vulgar but that's usually through the mouth of my alter ego- Khaki La'Docker. So, here I am- almost a quarter century years of age- and I have never had phone sex. There! I admit it. Take my "Nasty" Card and toss it in the trash with my repossessed Black Card because i never completed the pre-requisite "Phone Sex" course.


Anyway, after my textversation with Rock- i started questioning if I deserved to be this self-proclaimed sexual being. Right, i actually started questioning myself just because I never made a dude :ahem: nut from verbs and nouns. Not me... I will not stand for failure.


Determined to phone sex it with someone, i started brainstorming. How do you do it? What are you supposed to say? Do you moan and pretend to finger smash yourself? Do guys really get off on it? Am I supposed to have an accent? How do you know when you're finished?
I sat at my dining room table with a pink glittery Hello Kitty notebook on the Sabbath and scribbled my fantasy phone sex call for the fantasy man or homegirl that would attempt to hear me pant and moan like Bridget the Midget without laughing.

After 45 minutes sad minutes... SMH- Attempt 1...



:phone rings:




Guy: Sup shorty?


Girl: :moaning:


Guy: hello?


Girl: Im here... give me a second...


Guy: Sure- you ok?


Girl: No... :moaning:... I need you


Guy: :clears throat: what do you need?


Girl: I need you to finish what I started... I just got out of the shower... Im all alone... and I'm :moaning:


Guy: :unzippening pants: what are you doing?



See, then I got stuck for almost 10 minutes. What the fuck am I supposed to say? Is this even going right??? Im no Zane or Katlynn Lasalle. Shit, I'm not even the Cat in the Hat. I can barely stop giggling like a school girl with a busted out LA Gear :snicker: but I move on...


Girl: I have on your Spongebob t-shirt and no panties <---I thought I should've taken out the Spongebob part but I also thought it gave my dialogue character. Eh-


Guy: uh huh...


Girl: and Im tracing my thighs with my fingertips wishing it was your tongue drying the rest of me off


Guy: for real?


Girl: Mmmhmmm... I love it when you cover me with your thick, sticky, day old spit and <---- ok, re-write
Girl: Mmmhmmm... I miss your tongue wandering all over my body until you reach...:moaning:


Guy: Until I reach where, baby?



Okay, now I feel like a fag. I'm lost. This shit is clearly not for me but I don't want to give up.


So, help me out blog fam... I'm giving myself 30 days to be a pro at this. Thoughts, advice... examples ;)

17 comments:

Enigma Jones said...

I wish I could help, but I'm no more good after "Am I supposed to have an accent?" What???? lmao.

Rock said...

Hey Wifey...what are you wearing? Obviously not the panites you had on this morning... you left them. Its ok though, they smell like V8 splash. Now I'm getting thirsty.

Steph said...

I got nothing. LOL.

*stacie-ann said...

lmfao @ answering the phone moaning ima try that.

i used to be a webcam girl, i had to moan n talk dirty on a daily basis n i still giggle when i make attempts at sex talk. i dont think n e body is truly 100% perfect at sounding like a perv.

☆Reese said...

.......
I hate that I love you.
Sincerely, Reese.

P.S-fa realsies.

Epitome said...

Talk in your regular tone. Its supposed to sound as authentic as possible. Say his name here and there. Only moan if you would really moan in person seeing as though he would he like "she don't act like this when we really going at it". I say read a couple smut stories (Zane and the like) and pull your situations from there. Once you get into it you'll end up throwing your own blend of Khakiness on it. Then eventually you'll be coming up with stories all your own. The first time I did it I made believe I was getting paid for doing it...that motivated me to get er done.

Kingsmomma said...

you have me trying to breeve through this stufft up ass nose i got laughing my ass off. You sat down in your glittery hello kitty notebook? LMAO
I've never done the phone sex thing either, i mean i've sexted a guy where he told me that he was taking extra long to reply b/c he was enjoying it.

I say grab a glass of wine and relate to yourself. Then it'll come naturally. I don't even trust people who don't masturbate.

khaki la'docker said...

@enigma- What? I saw it on TV :hangs head in shame:

@Crack- putting my business out there?!?!? Folks do not need to know that I leave my winnie the pooh undies at your crb

@Steph- you got something- you just dont want to help LOL

@ Stacie Ann- you look like a web cam girl. That wouldnt work for me because I would laugh.

@Reese- you love me and thats all that matters. Dude, we're road tripping soon!

@Epitome- I knew you would have something! Alright, im going to try it and send to you, Sunshine, Reese and D.B... like the songs I used to sing.

@Kingsmomma- Dont hate on my notebook. My goddaughter bought it for me for Christmas. Ok, that made it worse. LOL

sunshinestar110 said...

Ok so no plz do not send that to me...i don't want it.

I thought i was the only one lost when it comes to that shii. I can get it started but trying to find the words to continue is hard especially since i play too much..

*pulls out note pad* I'm going to have to write some of this stuff down.

NC17 said...

omfg Khaki La'docker i don't believe that someone this crazy and creative wouldn't be able to make some one bust. i love phone sex just because women tend to say things they wouldn't say when in front of me. and unlike actual sex i never last long on the phone. The key is to throw all class out of the window and just let the nasty details fly. just leave out the V8 splash part.

Eyes on the prize said...

Gurl it's kinda hard for me too. But if you have a man that's a nasty talker it makes it easy to follow his lead. I love a nasty talking man - that's hawt!!! I am better at sending the nasty text messages. No pics though just words cuz I ain't trying to have my shyt posted on MediaTakeOut.

luvlymskrissy said...

lmao i so hatechu! i really do!

Don't ever answer the damn phone moaning like that lmao. And if you don't masturbate you wouldn't be good at sexing anywhere other than in person. Because if you were gonna do it I say REALLY do it. Like really please yourself with your guy on the phone and explain to him what you're actually doing. Nothing sexier than the real thing I say. But u ain't even gon do it! lol

Alovelydai said...

Girl: Mmmhmmm... I love it when you cover me with your thick, sticky, day old spit and <---- ok, re-write

Ok so how is anyone supposed to help you when you write things like this? Way too funny! I think you'll just need to wait til hubby cums (at)home!

Frankie said...

HAAAAAAAAA! I love this post so much that I'm gonna do my own blog post about phone sex. it'll be my top WTF phone sex moments. okay I'm lying. I'm just gonna say I'll blog about it then forget to do it.

Anyway, I used to be a phone sex whore back when I was a virgin. I almost took a job as a phone sex operator when I was living in NYC. good times! as I got older, it became kinda annoying.

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

I am cracking thee fcuk up at this post!! I can't bring myself to try phone sex because sometimes I laugh at the wrong things and then wonder why can't I just like come over instead of us talking on the phone about this? Smh

RoByn LaTice said...

lol.Accent...really though? lol! Aghh, this is pure comedy. I think I'm going to do a phone sex post. I think this attempt is interesting and in 30 days Im sure you will be a pro!

Sheen V said...

If you need practice I'd be happy to volunteer!

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