Make me.... Khaki's 30 Day Quest

The FINAL test:


This post has been moved to ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE blog

FOUR BILLION, 8 HUNDRED NINETY ONE MILLION, SIX HUNDRED FORTY FIVE THOUSAND , TWO HUNDRED TWENTY NINE DOLLARS

of your tax money went here:

102: Protecting a Michigan insect collection from other insects ($187,632)
101: Highway beautified by fish art in Washington ($10,000)
100: University studying hookup behavior of female college coeds in New York ($219,000)
99: Police department getting 92 blackberries for supervisors in Rhode Island ($95,000)
98: Upgrades to seldom-used river cruise boat in Oklahoma ($1.8 million)
97: Precast concrete toilet buildings for Mark Twain National Forest in Montana ($462,000)
96: University studying whether mice become disoriented when they consume alcohol in Florida ($8,408)
95: Foreign bus wheel polishers for California ($259,000)
94: Recovering crab pots lost at sea in Oregon ($700,000)
93: Developing a program to develop "machine-generated humor" in Illinois ($712,883)
92: Colorado museum where stimulus was signed (and already has $90 million in the bank) gets geothermal stimulus grant ($2.6 million)
91: Grant to the Maine Indian Basketmakers Alliance to support the traditional arts apprenticeship program, gathering and festival ($30,000)
90: Studying methamphetamines and the female rat sex drive in Maryland ($30,000)
89: Studying mating decisions of cactus bugs in Florida ($325,394)
88: Studying why deleting a gene can create sex reversal in people, but not in mice in Minnesota ($190,000)
87: College hires director for a project on genetic control of sensory hair cell membrane channels in zebrafish in California ($327,337)
86: New jumbo recycling bins with microchips embedded inside to track participation in Ohio ($500,000)
85: Oregon Federal Building's "green" renovation at nearly the price of a brand new building ($133 million)
84: Massachusetts middle school getting money to build a solar array on its roof ($150,000)
83: Road widening that could have been millions of dollars cheaper if Lousiana hadn't opted to replace a bridge that may not have needed replacing ($60 million)
82: Cleanup effort of a Washington nuclear waste site that already got $12 billion from the DOE ($1.9 billion)
81: Six woodlands water taxis getting a new home in Texas ($750,000)
80: Maryland group gets money to develop "real life" stories that underscore job and infrastructure-related research findings ($363,760)
79: Studying social networks like Facebook in North Carolina ($498,000)
78:18 North Carolina teacher coaches to heighten math and reading performance ($4.4 million)77: Retrofitting light switches with motion sensors for one company in Arizona ($800,000)
76: Removing graffiti along 100 miles of flood-control ditches in California ($837,000)
75: Bicycle lanes, shared lane signs and bike racks in Pennsylvania ($105,000)
74: Privately-owned steakhouse rehabilitating its restaurant space in Missouri ($75,000)
73: National dinner cruise boat company in Illinois outfitting vessels with surveillance systems to protect against terrorists ($1 million)
72: Producing and transporting peanuts and peanut butter in North Carolina ($900,000)
71: Refurnishing and delivering picnic tables in Iowa ($30,000)
70: Digital television converter box coupon program in D.C. ($650 million)
69: Elevating and relocating 3,000 feet of track for the Napa Valley Wine Train in California ($54 million)
68: Hosting events for Earth Day, the summer solstice etc. in Minnesota ($50,000)
67: Expanding ocean aquaculture in Hawaii ($99,960)
66: Raising railroad tracks 18 inches in Oregon because the residents of one small town were tired of taking a detour around them ($4.2 million)
65: Professors and employees of Iowa state universities voluntarily taking early retirement ($43 million)
64: Minnesota theatre named after Che Guevara putting on "socially conscious" puppet shows ($25,000)
63: Replacing a basketball court lighting system with a more energy efficient one in Arizona ($20,000)
62: Repainting and adding a security camera to one bridge in Oregon ($3.5 million)
61: Missouri bridge project that already was full-funded with state money ($8 million)
60: New hospital parking garage in New York that will employ less people ($19.5 million)
59: University in North Carolina studying why adults with ADHD smoke more ($400,000)
58: Low-income housing residents in one Minnesota city receiving free laptops, WiFi and iPod Touches to "educate" them in technology ($5 million)
57: University in California sending students to Africa to study why Africans vote they the way they do in their elections ($200,000)
56: Researching the impact of air pollution combined with a high-fat diet on obesity development in Ohio ($225,000)
55: Studying how male and female birds care for their offspring and how it compares to how humans care for their children in Oklahoma ($90,000)
54: University in Pennsylvania researching fossils in Argentina (over $1 million)
53: University in Tennessee studying how black holes form (over $1 million)
52: University in Oklahoma sending 3 researchers to Alaska to study grandparents and how they pass on knowledge to younger generations ($1.5 million)
51: Grant application from a Pennsylvania university for a researcher named in the Climate-gate scandal (Rep. Darrell Issa is calling on the president to freeze the grant) ($500,000)
50: Studying the impact of global warming on wildflowers in a Colorado ghost town ($500,000)49: Bridge built over railroad crossing so 168 Nebraska town residents don't have to wait for the trains to pass ($7 million)
48: Renovating an old hotel into a visitors center in Kentucky ($300,000)
47: Removing overgrown weeds in a Rhode Island park ($250,000)
46: Renovating 5 seldom-used ports of entry on the U.S.-Canada border in Montana ($77 million)
45: Testing how to control private home appliances in Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts from an off-site computer ($800,000)
44: Repainting a rarely-used bridge in North Carolina ($3.1 million)
43: Renovating a desolate Wisconsin bridge that averages 10 cars a day ($426,000)
42: 4 new buses for New Hampshire ($2 million)
41: Repaving a 1-mile stretch of Atlanta road that had parts of it already repaved in 2007 ($490,000)
40: Florida beauty school tuition ($2.3 million)
39: Extending a bike path to the Minnesota Twins stadium ($500,000)
38: Beautification of Los Angeles' Sunset Boulevard ($1.1 million)
37: Colorado Dragon Boat Festival ($10,000)
36: Developing the next generation of supersonic corporate jets in Maryland that could cost $80 million dollars each ($4.7 million)
35: New spring training facilities for the Arizona Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies ($30 million)
34: Demolishing 35 old laboratories in New Mexico ($212 million)
33: Putting free WiFi, Internet kiosks and interactive history lessons in 2 Texas rest stops ($13.8 million)
32: Replacing a single boat motor on a government boat in D.C. ($10,500)
31: Developing the next generation of football gloves in Pennsylvania ($150,000)
30: Pedestrian bridge to nowhere in West Virginia ($80,000)
29: Replacing all signage on 5 miles of road in Rhode Island ($4,403,205)
28: Installing a geothermal energy system to heat the "incredible shrinking mall" in Tennessee ($5 million)
27: University in Minnesota studying how to get the homeless to stop smoking ($230,000)
26: Large woody habitat rehabilitation project in Wisconsin ($16,800)
25: Replacing escalators in the parking garage of one D.C. metro station ($4.3 million)
24: Building an airstrip in a community most Alaskans have never even heard of ($14,707,949)23: Bike and pedestrian paths connecting Camden, N.J. to Philadelphia, Penn. when there's already a bridge that connects them ($23 million)
22: Sending 10 university undergrads each year from North Carolina to Costa Rica to study the rainforests ($564,000)
21: Road signs touting stimulus funds at work in Ohio ($1 million)
20: Researching how paying attention improves performance of difficult tasks in Connecticut ($850,000)
19: Kentucky Transportation Department awarding contracts to companies associated with a road contractor accused of bribing the previous state transportation secretary ($24 million)
18: Amtrak losing $32 per passenger nationally but rewarded with windfall ($1.3 billion)
17: Widening an Arizona interstate even though the company that won the contract has a history of tax fraud and pollution ($21.8 million)
16: Replace existing dumbwaiters in New York ($351,807)
15: Deer underpass in Wyoming ($1,239,693)
14: Arizona universities examining the division of labor in ant colonies (combined $950,000)
13: Fire station without firefighters in Nevada ($2 million)
12: "Clown" theatrical production in Pennsylvania ($25,000)
11: Maryland town gets money but doesn't know what to do with it ($25,000)
10: Investing in nation-wide wind power (but majority of money has gone to foreign companies) ($2 billion)
9: Resurfacing a tennis court in Montana ($50,000)
8: University in Indiana studying why young men do not like to wear condoms ($221,355)
7: Funds for Massachusetts roadway construction to companies that have defrauded taxpayers, polluted the environment and have paid tens of thousands of dollars in fines for violating workplace safety laws (millions)
6: Sending 11 students and 4 teachers from an Arkansas university to the U.N. climate change convention in Copenhagen, using almost 54,000 lbs of carbon dioxide from air travel alone ($50,000)
5: Storytelling festival in Utah ($15,000)
4: Door mats to the Department of the Army in Texas ($14,675)
3: University in New York researching young adults who drink malt liquor and smoke pot ($389,357)
2: Solar panels for climbing gym in Colorado ($157,800)
1: Grant for one Massachusetts university for "robobees" (miniature flying robot bees) ($2 million)

End of Days: Bootleg Lacefronts

I'm walk into a beauty supply store to get some 1.00 lip gloss and Oil Sheen (don't judge me) and out the corner of my eye, I see a Samurai Ninja with a Geisha girl lacefront out the corner of my eye. Startled, I drop the lip gloss and back up into the shelf of oil sheen and black hair products while the geisha sashays past me wearing Apple Bottom jeans tucked in her platform snow boots.

You see a lot of strange shit in Baltimore but never have I seen an urban geisha in the middle of the hood. No, it wasn't the fact that she had on pants that instantly gave her a camel toe/ninja foot or even her black lip liner and Vaseline covered lips... it was the atrocious lace front covering her head that sent me into lace front shock.

Interrupting Khaki's rant for a MedicalMinute brought to you by Chan's Jamaican & Soul Food:

Medical Minute: Lacefront Shock occurs when a subject comes into contact with an ill-fitted, round edged, matted or tangled lacefront wig. The effects are normally short term and may include a rapid pulse, sweating, confusion and a serious case of "whatthefuckedness". The wig is usually a low-end, out the pack, 29.99 special and improperly fitted by a "lacefront technician" employed by a Korean beauty supply. There is no cure and no 5k races to end this epidemic. The only way to stop LacefrontShock is to avoid contact with anyone with their edges covered in lace and glue. Avoiding places such as CitiTrends, anywhere with Hair or Beauty in the name (Beauty Land, BeautyPlace, HairStop, etc), and, generally, every club in Baltimore may help as well.

back to regularly scheduled rant.

Let me say... I have nothing against lacefront wigs, "fake hair", human hair etc... I only get annoyed when I see grown ass women with no edges and thick layers of lace and glue stuck to their forehead strutting around like their Tyra Banks. The purpose of the lacefront wig is to give the illusion of a real hairline without having to worry that you look like you're wearing a wig. Unfortunately, the wigs that Beyonce and Naomi Campbell have spent hundreds on and paid to have properly fitted, have been bootlegged and sold for discount prices made affordable to everyone thus creating the- what I call- Geisha Look on everyday people.


I'm almost 100% sure that the creators of the bootleg lacefront are the same people that created bootleg high-heeled sneakers and the knock-off "Channel" (<--- not a typo, I actually saw one at a flea market) bags. With a little investigative work, I'm sure that i can prove this.
So, yeah, I'm just tired of seeing them everywhere. Someone is selling them on Craigslist for MEN and WOMEN! A lacefront for people who want dreads???? While it may have been photoshopped, there was a picture circulating the Internet of a beautiful brown baby rocking a long lacefront! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??????

Please, let's work together to educate and stop the awful effects of Lacefrontshock. It takes a village an' shit.

Confessional Monday on Friday

So... no bullshit... I keep saying Im going to blog and, to be quite honest, I really have meant to. I have shit on my mind but things just keep coming up. My homie/sister/co-worker was laid off of my job so I'm the only one in my office now and work has to be done... thus, causing the lack of blogs since I cant sit here and bullshit all day.

Anyway... here's a quick one.

I loved Michael Jackson as a kid. I wanted to dance like him... kinda looked like him (don't judge me), wanted to dress like him (continue the non-judging). MJ was the fucking King in my book. Anyway, one day me and my little brother was watching the old Moonwalker movie on VHS and I decided that I wanted to lean like dude in the Smooth Criminal video

.

So, I convince my little brother to safety pin his robe belt to my tank top and hold me while i leaned. We gather some safety pins and he takes his blue robe belt and attaches it to my tank top. The video is on... we're watching it... enjoying it... and waiting for the part.

Dance sequence comes on... I'm into it and he grabs the robe to help me lean and... wait for it... I'm leaning... wait for it... I'm leaning a little more... wait for it....

*Boom* I fall into the fucking coffee table and crack my damn head. My brother busts out in laughter while I'm rolling on the floor saying "that's not what was supposed to happen" and crying like a little Bi-Atch.

My mother came home and asked what happened and we both lied and said I fell off my bike. We weren't supposed to be in the living room watching Moonwalker and we had meddled in her sewing drawer which was off-limits so we had no choice. Whats even worse is that I had to walk around school with this big ass homemade bandage to cover up my bruised and gashed forehead.

Moral of the story: You aint Michael Jackson and gravity is real.

True shit.

P.S not all of my confessions revolve around me dancing or embarrassing myself... but a lot of them do. ;)

Confessional Monday

I was about 13 years old and was spending the entire summer with my cousin Dee. We were watching music videos and Hot Boyz "I need a Hot Girl"video came on with all the girls booty shaking and washing cars an' shit. Anyway, I went upstairs to get something out of her room and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and without thinking starting booty dancing in the mirror. You know the booty dance, right? Hand on knees and popping booty. So, I'm hiking up my shorts and dropping it likes its hot like I'm one of the girls in the video when i hear a familiar voice say while laughing"What the hell are you doing... looking hoochie as hell. Girl, Imma tell your mother". Then he called his girlfriend (my cousin/Dee's mom) and my aunt into the room to tell them about my impromptu performance.

My cousin's step dad was in the room laying down under the covers the WHOLE TIME and I hadn't even noticed that he was in there. It looked like a pile of clothes or blankets jumbled on the bed so I didn't pay it any attention. Needless to say, I was soooooo embarrassed that I just went downstairs and tried to avoid him for weeks. Of course, being the obnoxious asshole that he is, he made sure to make fun of me for the rest of the summer and tell all the neighborhood boys that came by to visit that i liked to dance. Did I mention that I hate him?

I don't think I ever told anyone that... *hangs head in shame*

True Shit.