Part 2: NABCAS Presents True Life: I Did Crack

Shortly after Kingsmomma leaves my hotel room I realize that I reeked of alcoholic and pants rubbing sin. I remember telling Rock that I was drunk and needed a shower. He agreed.

I ended up stripping and did the slow foot stumble into the glass shower almost hitting my face on the wall when I tripped over steam. This is when I realized I was super drunk and that Rose wasn't my friend but a pink enemy seeking vengeance on my body and soul. Not only did I choose to lounge in the shower like I was chillin on a sofa with my legs sprawled out but I also decided it was a perfect time to wash my hair.... with bar soap. That skinny ass leftover hotel soap. Sample soap.  Was there shampoo and conditioner provided by the four- star Hilton hotel? Well, yes but I like for my hair to be matted and tangled with flat bar soap when I'm drunk and fancy... and a drunk mind will have you washing your hair with anything that suds or inviting people back to your hotel room even when you have someone there waiting for you. As drunk as I was, I would've washed my hair with Tide or beer piss if it was available. You know what else a drunk mind will have you doing? Washing your ass and face with the same shampoo you failed to use on your head leaving your skin feeling like you just soaked in Epsom Salt and dawn dish detergent. Listen folks, when you're drunk everything that doesn't make sense makes perfect sense. Don't Drink and Drive, Shower, Fuck, Teach Children, Breathe, Live !

Feeling like I just ran through a car wash with toxic shit now seeping though my pores, I take my time getting out of the shower and stumble to the bed where Rock is laying. Now, these parts are a little foggy.

I remember climbing on top of him and telling him that I was drunk and wanted to vomit. That right there was that disgusting sexy talk that only a wife could say to her husband and still make him hard. So, right now I'm dizzy. Rock now has two heads and is starting to look like a Boondocks character. The room is spinning and I feel like I'm going to meet that 22.00 pasta I inhaled a few hours before. Theres music playing from my iPod "Love" playlist and a scene replaying  in my head:

Me: Yo, the last time I drank Rose I got soooooooo fuuuuuuuuucked up

Kingsmomma: Champagne doesnt really do that to me but I'll try it

Me: I'm serious dude. That shit will get you everytime
Kingsmomma:  Uhhh i doubt it

slow-fast forward both of us grinding on random 21 year olds, stumbling on the streets, hailing a cab and listening to Biggie in said cab with a Punjabi driver nodding his head.

I roll over on my side and Rock brings me a trash can. Even with his teenage voice and Connecticut accent that I always find so funny, he sounds comforting. I remember him telling me that I just needed to throw up and that i shouldn't be embarrassed about throwing up in front of him. I remember telling him that I'm not embarrassed I just cant throw up.After advising me to put my finger down my throat and me declining his offer to put something down my throat to throw up, he pulled my hair back, got back in the bed and we spooned while listening to music.

Somewhere between R. Kelly and 112, Souljah Boy comes on. Now, there are about 200 songs on that playlist. All of them are baby makers and here comes Souljah Boy's She Got A Donk out of the blue. Only during a time that two of the craziest bloggers end up in the same bed together would a random ass song magically appear on my playlist. Do I turn it off? Nope. What did I do? I did what every girl, your mother and grandmother included, does when that song comes on... I backed it up or did some drunk variation of backing it up. Yup, Ms. La'Docker did random booty popping Tip Drillish dance moves in the bed. As I'm writing this, I realize that I always pick the worst and most random times to booty pop which usually ends up in some embarrassing or blogworthy situation. File that one under Blogworthy.

"Donk" is where things got spicy and, unfortunately, I cant remember everything BUT I'll give you the following tidbits that I do remember and/or have text confirmation that it did happen.

Things that Khaki Vaguely Remembers About Doing Crack

• Breaking my Pretty Woman rule and kissing Rock allllllll in the mouth. He liked it.
• Both parties getting Facetime and even as a sloppy drunk I gave a pretty decent performance. No teeth or hands! BOOM!
• Rock Somebody did some questionable and pause-worthy shit that they didn't even pause on before doing it while someone else didn't even fight it. As a part of our marital agreement, I can not disclose the act that was performed.

• Rock has a mean stroke game and the perfect sized "junk". Mean as in pretty damn good and perfect sized as in it wasn't so big that I'd have to ball up and take the D like a champ or too small that I'd want to punch him in the neck and make him sleep in the hallway. If I was sober, I would've went to sleep with a Coke and a smile.
• Nobody came... at least i don't think i did. I know he didn't... I think. Wait, he did... once per her his text but I don't know... FML.
• I must've said "i gotta throw up" about 100 times and never actually threw up or attempted to. In fact, someone  kept stroking while I muttered my threats of puking.
• Rock uses some "regla" ass condoms. Yep, he doesn't use any of those fancy wrapper condoms... unless he saves those for the Cholas and Rosie Perez look-alikes.
• Changing positions often and feeling like Troy from Crooklyn when she had that dream about sniffing glue. I was floating through the air while the room moved around me. No bueno.

That pretty much sums up the non-experienced teenage like sex which ended with me having my head in a trash can after my final threat to puke. I still didn't puke and ended up going to sleep.

The morning after: Butt ass naked, I wake up and run to the bathroom where I kneel over the toilet and grab it like I'm about to make love to it for the last time. Rock walks over and tells me to throw up. Of course... I don't. I get back in the bed and he leaves to find me water and breakfast. After some time, the best husband in the world returns with a big ass waffle and a bottle of water which I'm sure cost him more than he should've paid.

We got dressed and checked out of the hotel before getting a cab. I gave him a hug and a kiss, got in my cab and 5 minutes later opened the cab door and threw up. It was THE best vomit ever. I felt like i had just gotten head by a human rattlesnake while gumdrops and raindrops fell on my head. Shit was superb.

On my bus ride home things started to get clearer and a feeling of failure came over me. I felt bad and not because I just had what felt like 18 gallons of "drank" trapped in my system but I felt like I didn't rep for all of the black girls that get traded for the Peeta Ricans and border jumpers. That night was for the Tamikas and ShaQuans that Kobe skeeted on before marrying Vanessa. This was for all of the black baby mamas of pro athletes with J-Lo lookalike wives. I started questioning the authenticity of my vagina and head game. Were the blogs I write about me being a sex goddess all bullshit? I admit I cant sext and I don't masturbate, but was I capable of bad sex? Would Rock think I was a bad "lay"? Did I care what he thought? Not really because he did questionable shit but it was the principle. I take pride in being able to make a mans eyes roll in the back of his head like he's Rick Ross on a plane. I enjoy popping my collar after a night of heavy breathing and leg spreading and I just didn't feel like I gave him the Khaki Experience. It was like he paid for a Michael Jackson concert and only got "the brothers" or he expected Cirque Du Soleil and got the Universoul Circus with Uncle Tyrone shucking and jiving with a Rottweiler dressed as a lion to Frankie Beverly and Maze's Before I Let Go. This was my "See what you missing fucking with them Ez's?" moment and I failed miserably.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

STOP THE RECORD! What am I talking about? Rock did get the Khaki Experience-- sloppy toppy, drunk doggy style and all. I'm unpredictable... and memorable. Thats is THE Khaki Experience.  

So ladies and gents there you have it, my admission to doing Crack. It was the first and last time I will ever do a fellow blogger unless you're Nightfall, NC17 minus the girlfriend or Simone Dior minus the vagina.  I have no regrets and I would do it again but someone went back to Peetas.

Questions? Comments? Drop em down low.

OH... and YALL better stop rushing me to post  :-)

aaaaaaaaaand I hate blogger for being assholes and not posting all of my pics.

30DQ2PS- Attempt 2; Sexting-

Long title- eh.<-- had to shorten it.

Moving on... I'm quite serious about this whole learning to phone sex/sexting thing. For some strange reason, I am bothered by the fact that I'm not "sexy". Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a nice looking woman and with this Kanye Workout Plan on full effect, I've blossomed into a better, more fit version of me. I like sex... a lot... sometimes more than I think I do and I have the sexual appetite of a heroine addicted rabbit. However, even with all that being said about my physical appearance and my extreme desires to always want to smash, I have come to realize that my points in the sexy category are damn near non-existent.

Those who have read my post on Monday about the 30 days Quest should be familiar with what I am referring to. To those that haven't read, go head and play catch up.

Tuesday... I thought about it... I took some of the advice given to me and I put aside the giggles and convinced myself that sexting would probably be better practice for me. With text messages, the other person doesn't know that I am laughing on the other end... or watching Good Times. So, hubby :waves to Crack: takes it u upon himself to help me out.

The rest of this post was moved to ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE blog

Khaki's 30 Day Quest to Phone Sex: Attempt 1- FAIL

As you all know, my husband lives in another state and because of this we have to find alternative ways to express our sexual feelings since the distance is keeping him from actually slurping up my V8 splash on the usual nightly basis.

just kidding... the Rockstar- who I affectionately renamed Crack- "joked" about phone sex last night and it led me to wonder... how do you do it and why havent I done it before?

Truth be told- I'm a jokester. I talk good game but I'm not into shit like phone sex and I don't even masturbate. :insert frown face: Pathetic, I know.

I have a weird, teenageish-mid twentyish, couldn't-call-the-school-to- get-anyone-out-of trouble, sometimes raspy voice that doesn't seem to be phone sex worthy.I can type pussy in 32 languages but cant say it pay-per-minuteish. There's nothing "sexy" about my voice or the way I speak. I dont do all that talking in the bedroom. None of that, "fuck me daddy", "deeper, harder, faster" type shit. I'm not one of those girls that can call a dude and make his dick hard when I say cum. From time to time, I can be quite vulgar but that's usually through the mouth of my alter ego- Khaki La'Docker. So, here I am- almost a quarter century years of age- and I have never had phone sex. There! I admit it. Take my "Nasty" Card and toss it in the trash with my repossessed Black Card because i never completed the pre-requisite "Phone Sex" course.

Anyway, after my textversation with Rock- i started questioning if I deserved to be this self-proclaimed sexual being. Right, i actually started questioning myself just because I never made a dude :ahem: nut from verbs and nouns. Not me... I will not stand for failure.

Determined to phone sex it with someone, i started brainstorming. How do you do it? What are you supposed to say? Do you moan and pretend to finger smash yourself? Do guys really get off on it? Am I supposed to have an accent? How do you know when you're finished?

I sat at my dining room table with a pink glittery Hello Kitty notebook on the Sabbath and scribbled my fantasy phone sex call for the fantasy man or homegirl that would attempt to hear me pant and moan like Bridget the Midget without laughing.

After 45 minutes sad minutes... SMH- Attempt 1...

:phone rings:

Guy: Sup shorty?

Girl: :moaning:

Guy: hello?

Girl: Im here... give me a second...

Guy: Sure- you ok?

Girl: No... :moaning:... I need you

Guy: :clears throat: what do you need?

Girl: I need you to finish what I started... I just got out of the shower... Im all alone... and I'm :moaning:

Guy: :unzippening pants: what are you doing?

See, then I got stuck for almost 10 minutes. What the fuck am I supposed to say? Is this even going right??? Im no Zane or Katlynn Lasalle. Shit, I'm not even the Cat in the Hat. I can barely stop giggling like a school girl with a busted out LA Gear :snicker: but I move on...

Girl: I have on your Spongebob t-shirt and no panties <---I thought I should've taken out the Spongebob part but I also thought it gave my dialogue character. Eh-

Guy: uh huh...

Girl: and Im tracing my thighs with my fingertips wishing it was your tongue drying the rest of me off

Guy: for real?

Girl: Mmmhmmm... I love it when you cover me with your thick, sticky, day old spit and <---- ok, re-write

Girl: Mmmhmmm... I miss your tongue wandering all over my body until you reach...:moaning:

Guy: Until I reach where, baby?

Okay, now I feel like a fag. I'm lost. This shit is clearly not for me but I don't want to give up.

So, help me out blog fam... I'm giving myself 30 days to be a pro at this. Thoughts, advice... examples ;)

Confessional Monday... LOL--- Told you I was gonna do it ;)

Seems like these are all I'm blogging about lately.

Anyway... this confession came about while I was driving on a road trip with two fellow bloggers on Saturday. I never intended to say anything because it wasn't that serious and this was just a random ass thought.

The rest of this blog was moved to ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE blog.

Yup, you're a terrible fucker!

I'm sitting here and wondering... how do you know when you're a bad fucker? Are there people walking around thinking that they put it down or give the best head when, in fact, they are actually terrible in the bedroom? I'm thinking that people either (A) don't know because no one ever told them or (B) they're selfish bastards that know and only care about getting their nut.

For those that don't know... here are some clues to help you out.

I have to pee: If after having sex, she gets up and says that she has to go to the bathroom and comes back fully clothed, your sex is wack. She doesn't have to pee and more than likely she's laughing at you, calling the next dude or turning on the Rabbit to finish what you started.

Human Blow-up Doll: If you just lay there, stiff as a board looking like a damn corpse while he does all the work, your sex is wack. No man wants to fuck a stationary woman that makes no sound or even blinks. Dating and courting a woman that just lays there isn't cost efficient at all. After spending money on movies, flowers, gifts, dinner and all that other shit women want, wouldn't it be fair to say that a man has earned some good pussy? Dinner and movie = 150.00... Blow up doll= 50.00. I'm just saying.

No entry: If you only get called over for oral, your sex is bad. Most women want both so she only wants head from you, more than likely, your dick game wack. Giving good head is not enough and the most that it will do is land you in the pile of "folks i call when i want nothing but head". Those people getting called very rarely.

Two Pump Chump: If you put it in and then bust after 3 1/2 pumps, you're a terrible fucker. No woman wants a man that cant last long enough to make them cum. Women hate to waste pussy juice. Pussy juice is just as valuable as... money. Shit, coochie fluid is so damn valuable that companies make millions of dollars just off of replications. I've even thought about bottling some of this up in a juice container and marketing it as Vaggiejuice- the real V-8 splash. I digress-women understand the value of their juice, so if you waste it and their time, you will not be called back for a second chance.

In, Out, Suck, Bust: Boring ass sex routines will give you the reputation of being a terrible fucker. Women that hop on the dick but ride with no rhythm, barely moves, and does the same up and down motion aren't using their vagina to the best of their ability which in most states is a punishable crime*. Men that have the same stroke or the routine of feel, eat, pump, bust will laughed at by women. People like variety and spontaneity especially with sex. Switching up the routine or adding elements to heighten the experience will, almost always, make you a good fucker.

Who needs an Ambien, when you've got dick: I cant remember but... It was either a wise man or an old Chinese proverb that stated "if she doesn't roll over and go to sleep, you got more fucking to do". Whoever said it, it's true. If after we're done, I get up and start drawing on the etch-A-Sketch or watching old episodes of Law and Order, i have not been sexually fulfilled and your sex was bad. I always know when it's good if im snoring almost immediately after we're done. Not that light snore either... that "what the fuck kinda noise is that" snore and if he can sleep through my snore after we're done, I know that I've done my part too.

Laughter: If her friends don't respect you or laugh when you walk away, they're talking about you and, more often than not, it's about you in the bedroom.

One day you may be told that you're bullshit in bed and it will hurt your heart and soul. No one wants to be bad in bed. No one wants to end up on girldontfuckhim.com but you must accept it, take responsibility and try to get better. Watch flicks... take a class... read a book- just do SOMETHING. Being in denial, calling him/her a bitch and saying it's because they're mad because of blah, blah, blah isn't going to solve anything. Trust me, they aren't saying it just because they're mad, they're telling you because it's true. They've just been holding it in their back pocket for the prime opportunity to hurt your pride.

If you really want to know if your sex is horrible and you don't think any of the above items apply to you, try this test... pick a fight with your girlfriend. Make her as mad as you can. If she says some shit like "man fuck you and that little ass dick with your cant get it up always gotta beat off cuz you nutted too fast ass!", you cant fuck. If you piss her off, go in to have make up sex and she opens up... well, you figure it out.

Make A Porno...

By no means am I an avid porno watcher or anything but I have seen a few. Most of which were some hood jawns that featured Ray Ray and LaQuan on a futon. SMH Anyway... this post had originally came from my experience seeing friend of mine watching a flick with his boys and noticing how hood it was. If it weren't for the credits at the end and the photoshopped DVD cover, i would have assumed that it was a homemade flick from some folks around the way. To sum it all up, the porno was so bad that I decided to provide my tips on how to make a "classy" flick

taken from a previous post

***Disclaimer: I have never made a pornographic movie nor do I plan on making one. I am clearly stating what I THINK would have made the porno that I was, regretfully, a witness to visually friendlier to the eyes.***

1. Personal hygiene and pubic grooming is a MUST. Genital area may be closely shaven, shaved or trimmed up. I'm sure the people that frequently watch pornos do not want to see no Mama Africa bushes wrestling with each other.

2. Make sure your appearance is up to par. For men, nappy thigh hair, crusty mouth, and war wounds are not cute. Women, if you had a csection, a little concealer goes a long way! Dab a little bit of that on stretchmarks, hyperpigmentation (dark spots) and any "flaws" you want to cover up. The camera picks up everything. Feet shouldn't look like you are allergic to lotion, hair should be neatly done, fingernails should be clean and neat, if you look hard in the face- try some MAC or some Loreal- because your worth it! I'm sorry but there is nothing sexy or intriguing about watching homeless people bump uglies so why look like your homeless?

3. CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT! You're thinking no one is going to notice/care that my place is dirty. You're wrong, girls notice everything. We notice that you have a PC sitting on top of a tote. We peeped the mismatched bedroom furniture and bedsheets. Seeing your child's dirty pamper, sippy cup and toys sprawled across your bed and floor is distracting as hell.

4. Storyline? Have one! I know the Cinemax story lines are hella corny but just popping in a DVD and it goes straight to fuckin??? If im going to watch someone else fucking, I would like a little background please.

5. Stop looking in the camera and then remember that you're on film and then try to play it off! You look stupid. He pumping the shit outta her and putting his all into it while she smiling with her eyes at the camera an' shit. You could at least look like your enjoying him sodomizing you camera whore.

6. Ambiance-You don't have an R Kelly cd lying around? Do i really have to hear the cameraman say "ok, flip her"? How about some background music or am I'm just gonna have to listen through the sound of penetrating fluids?

7. Better cameraman- Hard to get off by a shaky ass flick. Please stop recruiting these men with Parkinsons disease that cant seem to keep the camera steady. All the extra movement is unnecessary to... if you gonna switch angles, please do so slowly- you making a nigga dizzy.

8. Know your lighting and angles that work for you! If you got 22's for a stomach that reach around to your back--- Arch your back a tad bit higher (poke your but out more- think feline like) to deflate the tires. You got a wonky eye? Tilt your head on an angle with the tangled eye out of the light- and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LOOK DIRECTLY IN THE CAMERA- you will ruin it all!

9. Know your timing and don't be afraid to delete and start over- Ok, so i saw a flick that was made my a friend that totaled about 2 minutes and 12 seconds because this mufucka came so quickly. To prevent your girl from sitting in front of the camera shaking her head asking herself "why he waste my time" or showing it to her friends for a laugh, show yourself some love in the bathroom to get rid of that first nut. If you still bust early- you got 3 choices (a) delete it and try again. (b) never attempt to make a porno until you get rid of your E.D or (c) eat ass until you can get it up again. Those are your only choices and trust that if you decide to keep it or give it to shorty there will always be evidence of your inability to last and women love to bring this shit up later.

In essence, if you're going to make a movie with your spouse make sure its something that you want to see later on.

P.S I hate DurtyMo for that pic. LMAO

Why I Love ...

So-I just wrote that post about me losing my virginity and why i lost my virginity... etc and then I realized that i actually discovered why i love peen so much a little while back. I would call it an obsession but uhm... nah.

The rest of this post was moved to my other blog ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE 

1st Time...

I'm sitting here thinking about all of my little cousins that I didn't realize werent so little anymore. Most of them were born in the early-mid 90's and are in high school now. I remember them as little kids playing Redlight Greenlight and eating fruit roll ups while watching a Nickelodeon cartoon now I'm looking at Facebook pages with "S#xy az I wanna b3!!!" and I'm wondering if my little cousins are fucking. I'm hoping not but the sad reality is that they probably are.

The rest of this post was moved to ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE blog

Fear of the StarCrunch...

Time to get serious- well, not really but kinda. I have a serious phobia. Not of heights, clowns or mice BUT of... washing my Peppermint Pattie to find that a sexual experience has turned my puddy cup into a damn STARCRUNCH!



The 25 cent delectable school treat with its creamy chocolate covered cluster exterior is reminiscent of a STD infected snatch. I saw a video during an Anatomy class in undergrad of a woman in her mid 20's with a BAD case of herpes or warts. I cant remember exactly but I do know it reminded me of my old after-school snack and I haven't eaten one since.



I am proud to say that I have NEVER had a STD. NEVER! The thought of getting some sort of coochie infection is probably my worst fear. I kid you not. Not too long ago, someone that I used to deal with told me that he had a contracted and treated a STD a long time ago (before he met me) and I damn near hyperventilated. I'd rather lose an arm than walk around with some incurable disease that would make my snatch look like it was attacked by termites.



With that being said, I urge all you grown folks out there to please get tested and do your routine check ups to make sure the privates are up to par. Some diseases show no visible signs of infection but can be life threatening- such as AIDS. It may not look like a StarCrunch or Crunchbar now but that doesn't mean the goods are "good".

To F... or not to F?

Now that we're in a time of 90 day rules and some women are taking the silent vow of celibacy, how do you know when its the right time? I know the story book, my mama said "you'll know when it's right" answer... but really, when is it the right time?





Is it ever OK to fuck on the first date? What if the first date occurred after months of talking on the phone? What if you knew this person your whole life but just decided that you wanted date that person?


I'm kinda torn on this one. The feminist in me is all about sexual empowerment and being sexually open but the my mama ain't raise no fool side of me still has (some) morals and isn't tryna end up no statistic with the real killakoochay.

I need to think about this one for a little bit...

Welcome to the Bunny Ranch...

Heard the expression fuck like rabbits? That applies to me and a few of my fellow bloggers out there... we're damn near sex addicts. We see a dick (well not just any ole random dick but follow me...) and we pounce... On Twitter, someone mentions dick, peen, fuck stick, penis... even fudgesicle (dont ask) and we're scratching like Pookie.

Anyhoo... One of our twitter conversations a few days ago lead to the infamous topic of sex... mainly, because Im horny and the other girls were bragging about preparing to get dicked down. Anyway, in that conversation- and honestly, i dont know how it happened- we've came up with the theory that we fuck like rabbits... therefore... we are all bunnies now. **wow, that seems really lame now that im writing it**

Ok... enough of this.. without further ado... i would like to introduce you guys to the BUNNY RANCH...

Ladies and gents... I bring to you... Me... Peta Cummingtail...

Not to toot my own horn but ya girl got a sex drive like no other. I dont know what it is but... I love sex. I love to have sex... a lot. Like... we fuck, I cum... im tryna fuck again. Dammit, fuck me into a damn coma.

and up next... is Humping Harriett... or some of you may know her as Dearly Beloved... Ms. thing is a nasty lil bunny... and has the most insane stories about fucking her boo RC. Check out her blog or follow her on Twitter to introduce yourself. She's funny as shit...

and.. next up is Epitome... She doesnt have a cool bunny name yet... but Epitome is the coolest bunny ever. She's on the celibacy boat now but Im sure she's about to dock that bitch really soon. She just as nasty as the rest of us... Check out her blog...

Next.... ReeseHonri... no bunny name for her yet either but she's the gangsta out of the ranch. Someone says "Man Down" and she throws on her bunny doo-rag and busts through the doors pumping her 44' in the air. <--- True shit... happened on Twitter yesterday. Visit her blog to read about her and all of her gangstaness...

Up next... is Ms. SunshineStar... who is still working on her bunny name... but I will say Sunshinestar probably fucks just as much as I would like to... and she still wakes up early as hell to go to work... to not work. LMAO. Check out her blog... and follow her on Twitter

and last but not least... the shy one out of the group... MissBee... No pictue to post, no bunny name yet and she dont really suck dick but she's working on it and she's just as much of a bunny as the rest of us. Check out her blog... and be sure to follow on twitter....

thats about it... i dont really follow to many folks on twitter but I do want yall to follow us. We dont ONLY talk about sex... but when we do, it make cool topics like this one right here.

So, fellow lady bloggers... embrace your sexuality and up that sex drive up... and you too will be a bunny.

The Fake Out- Part 1

Licking on my neck... he slowly drew circles on my body with his warm tongue. The more he circled the more I wanted him. My moans and deep breaths were signs that I craved him inside of me. I could feel his dick against my thigh as he moved his lips to mine. He softly kissed me while he put his tongue in my mouth. After he kissed me, he promised to make me feel good and I believed him. By the bulge in his pants, I knew he could do some damage to me… I could no longer take it and I had to have him…I grabbed his dick and stroked it. He was ready and so was I… He put it in me slowly and I was in heaven… then… I felt it get harder and jerk… he said “Oh Shit”…and I knew that was…

The Ma’Fuckin Fake Out…

Niggas make me sick with they premature busting ass self! No, I take that back… Niggas that prematurely bust then act like they didn’t. WHY?!?!!? Why you are you still tryna force that in me?!?!! WHY are you lying to me and insulting my intelligence?!?!?! I know when you nut cuz you’re whole pace changed up. Nasty ass cookie dough dick nigga.

I know every woman has experienced- or has heard of- the Fake Out. You thinking the dick is gonna be good… he give you two good deep thrusts, busts… then keep trying pump you with his bendy dick. Nah, man that aint cool. This is just as bad as the nigga that cant get it up. Why? Cuz you got it up and didn’t know what the hell to do with it. You tricked me…swindled me… bamboozled me and that aint right.

Men: We expect a few occasions when you will bust early… but we also expect you to know how to take care of your damn business! Trying to make us believe that the excess of human secretions is us is not going to work. It just makes you look dumb and it fucks up the moment for us.

You got two options for redemption…

You bust early – with a condom on – you must eat the box. Go head and remove the latex while eating me out. I’m OK with that… if you’re a good muncher, I won’t even give a damn that you just came… just make me cum. You get hard again… go back for another go. I’m down.

You bust early – without a condom on – you must eat the box. I let you hit it raw and you couldn’t handle the goods so now you gotta eat what you put in me. Sorry…look at is a motivation to never 2 pump chump me again.

Niggas, stop with this silly ass shit and PLEASE stop lying on your dick!

Where is the Mute Button?

"is it good?"

"you like that?"

"Whose is it?"

 SHUT UP!!!!!!

Excuses to get out of Anal

.....
Babe, it'll make your skin glow and get rid of all adult acne...
I know but it will make your dick small.

Babe, it'll be pleasurable for both of us.
No, not really because I'll make sure to ruin it by making noises similar to that of a wild boar being chased by a lion

Honey, it'll hurt at first but then it'll feel better
You think so? Will it be better after i shit all over your fuck stick?

Babe, it'll make your hair grow longer.
And there will be a bald spot in your pubes from either (A) my ass clamping on them as you ass rape me and i attempt to run away or (B) de-tangling shit from your lovely pubic hair with a rat tail comb.

Sweetheart, don't you love me?
I love my ass and the ability to hold my shit when i want to more.

If none of those work... I'll hit him with the whammy!

Babe, let me do it this one time... and I'll do whatever you want.
Okay... I'll do it BUT I get to stick something the size of your dick in your funhole... only one time.

You think you're gonna do it but want to put it off????

I would love to but...

I ate Chipotle today

My doctor said i should wait until my iron levels go up

Baby, I'm backed up like I-95 at 5:30... let me take these Fiber pills and get back to you.

I have to wear all white tomorrow

P.S.A

It has been brought to my attention, that there are women out here who don't give head and I'm shocked and appalled. Are these the same women that expect for a man to eat the box that has a monthly- or quarterly if you fucking with that Seasonale- flow of blood coming out of it?

Hmmm... interesting.




Well, today is a new day... July 1, 2009 has been declared Suck a Dick day. Mark it on your calendar, input in on your blackberry, shit, use a PTO day and take off but please celebrate this day by giving head.

 The rest of this post was moved to ALL THE SHIT I WANT PRIVATE

Top 5 Reasons to Wear A Condom

Besides the obvious reasons- unwanted pregnancies, case of sick dick or coughing coochie, AIDS, herpes, and all those other STD's out there rapidly attacking the genitals, mouths and asses (if you into it)- there are 5 main reasons why you should always rock a latex. Check em below...

BUT BEFORE YOU DO...

Please note: Khaki fully supports wearing a condom to control unwanted pregnancies, STD's/STI's, trips to the abortion clinics and fully advise every one- especially women- to develop a quarterly, yearly, monthly or once every 2 months(if you're anal like me) Genital Maintenance Plan to include testing and swabbing of one's cervix. Choose your sexual partners wisely and be careful.

1. The Wet Spot: No one likes sleeping in the wet spot. Trust me- I almost lost an eye trying to hurry and switch sides of the bed just so I wouldn't have to lay in me and my other's bodily fluids. If you wear a condom, the chances of the wet spot being a damn puddle are slim to none unless the girl's a squirter and then it's her fault and she should have to sleep in the wet spot by default. Also keep in mind that the wet spot eventually dries up and becomes a crusty cess pool of woulda been babies and fertilized embryo's and it looks nauseating on darker colored sheets.
2. The A-Choo Effect: Gravity is a bitch when it comes to latexless sex. Imagine being a girl and going to work the next day and needing to sneeze. When you do, you feel all of the remnants of last night or this morning (if you like your dick with coffee and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit) splash in your panties. The A-Choo Effect is a bitch and it's nasty as hell. It doesn't matter how long you wash your ass or sit in a bath tub, semen has to make its way down the tunnel of love and sometimes it likes to take its time. If you want to rush the semen, you could always use that french shit- Dou'che- but any gyno would tell you excessive use of the vinny/water spray is a no no.
3. Don't mix juices: Nut and cootie juice mixed together smells like boiled ass. I don't know why and it doesn't matter how clean a person is... the concoction of the two fluids smells f-ing weird. Something about the Ph-balance and something of the whatchamallit make the smell is little tart (<---- look it up). I don't know the scientific reason behind it and I cant remember where I heard it from but I will say that my vag does not smell like the room that I leave when I fuck raw.
4. What goes up: This goes back to the gravity thing. Almost immediately after sex or after you wake up from your sleep, the mixture will come a running down your leg. The off white, musty smelling, wet, sloppy ass potion of love will flow down your leg like piss. You could always sleep with a towel in between your legs but again, whatever is still floating up that 9 inch canal will soon make its way out and down your leg.
5. No Do-Overs: Say ole boy nuts but you haven't and you still want to fuck. Do you really want him to go back and eat your semen saturated cootie then kiss you???? No. One could say "Well, he aint gotta eat my cootie" and I would tell that person to shut the fuck up. If he's a great fucker and he nuts, he will want to redeem himself. No self respecting man would attempt to go back in with a soft dick. A great fucker wouldn't even let you know that they nutted prematurely! They would pull out and eat your box (or ass if you like that type of thing) until you came or until they could get hard again.

Where do I apply to become a groupie?

I got this list... the I'd Hit It list. Basically, it a list of men that given the opportunity I'd fuck em and never speak to them again. The men on my list make me say naughty old man shit to myself... you know... shit like "I'd drink his bath water". Yeah... old man shit like that. Anybody that I am in a relationship with would have to be understanding to my desires to smash this penis noted on my list. Sorta like my personal Dick Bucket list. I have to fuck em before I meet my maker... i just have to.
1st up...
Lance Gross
That Ms. Eva is a lucky little bitch. Ironically... I wasn't "on" him until I saw him with her. He's a cutie on House of Payne but when I saw him posing with lil Ms. Top Model I added Sexual Chocolate to the list. Not saying I'd fuck her man but I'd fuck her man.

Next...
Trey Songz








Don't know what it is about this man! Maybe its the groupie stories on sites like Lipstickalley.com or Ballerallert.com but whatever it is I cant control it. I'm not a fan of lanky dudes but I'd switch it up for Trey. Listen to that song on his 1st album, "In the Middle", and tell me you cant imagine him with those pretty teeth digging into yo shit.



And...
Willy from Day 26
Ms. Simone Dior... I feel you but like I said to you on your blog "you can't fuck him until AFTER i sit on his face". Sweet Dick Willy (yup, that's what I'm calling him!) is the finest nigga in Day26! Sheeet, he's the finest nigga ever to sign a contract with Bad Boy. I'd fuck him... in the rain... outside... on the 4th of July... wearing a clown wig. Yes- it's that damn serious.











And...
Nas
Yup... Nas made the list. He got that chipped chopper fixed and that makes him a definite winner. I fell for this nigga when I saw him in that white suit on the Hate Me Now video. Damn... I would love to get tossed up to his song "Big Girl" fromt he Nastradamus CD. Say what you want but I should've been Mrs. Nasir Jones.








And...
Will Smith
I got a love thang for Will that goes back to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He's tall, clean cut, with a sexy smile and a scrumptious body. The man is damn near (if not) 40 and looks damn good. Doesn't make it better that Jada keeps talking about how well he can fuck. Then he teased me in I Am Legend doing them chin up's... had me squirming in my chair. Damn, Will. Damn!










And...
Reggie Bush
This chocolaty goodness is FFFIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE (said in my old horny man voice). Woo lord! I love every bit of Mr. Goodbar. Kim don't know what to do with that. That's why she walking around here trying to get him to put a ring on it. I don't need a ring Reggie. We can do this... no strings attached... unless you have good dick then I'd have to stalk that ass.









And...
Columbus Short
I know, I know... He's not that popular but there's something about a man that can pop lock and spin on his head that just does it for me. I saw cutie in Stomp the Yard and told myself "Self, if you ever run into him... Fuck him- no questions asked".

And...

Pooch Hall

I'd totally go groupie for this nigga. fucking CW cancelled The Game so I wont be watching him shirtless on Fridays anymore. DAMN YOU CW, DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Noodle... A tale by Dani... Written By Me

So my sister, Dani, hit me up this morning at 7:50something in the morning with the "GUUURRRRLLLL". Now... normally that means that she got some and it was good. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.

Little background....

Dani and Noodle used to be in a friendlationship back in high school.Things didn't work out and they went their separate ways and hadnt seen each other for years. They eventually ended up running into each other a couple of weeks ago and have been talking and texting ever since. Noodle has feelings for her and she likes him but wants to wait out on taking it to the relationship level because of other "complications".

Fast forward to last night... Noodle came over to her crib. Not a big thing because he's been over there before and nothing sexual has happened. Dani had been out drinking before Noodle came over. So, Dani's in fetal position trying to get her snooze on and Noodle takes it upon himself to start trying to put the moves on her. Dani, in her inebriated state, begins to give in... things start to happen but.... don't because Noodle is just that! A damn Noodle.
Nigga couldn't get it up.

See- Noodle fucked up. He should've made sure the equipment was working before he decided to pounce on my homie like that. He came up in the crib with mushy dick and tried to smash it in the hole talking bout "wait a minute... i can get it up". NO NIGGA! This is all wrong...

If I were a boy.... even just for a day.... I wouldn't try to fuck with a noodle... i would end up just giving her head....

Seriously... girls try to be understanding when you cant get it up but men shouldn't play themselves by trying to come up with excuses or trying to jam it in. Your dick isn't a mouse that can just smush itself into the tiniest of crevices. IT HAS TO BE HARD. Sex is 50/50. My shit gotta be wet and your shit gotta be HARD. There is no compromising on this one.

You cant be sitting there smashing my thigh putting all of your weight on my fucking hamstring while you beat off. Sorry, but no girl gets turned on by seeing a guy trying to caress a noodle dick in an attempt to make it semi hard. First of all... you look dumb as hell trying to give your dick a pep talk... and Second of all... you done ruined the fucking moment. A girl can't do but so much kissing and prolonging while you sit there and lie on your dick talking about "this has never happened before".

You're lying! It has happened before and it probably happens frequently so you should come prepared, drink an energy booster, or take a combo of Viagra and Wellbutrin. You and your dick should get to know each other and communicate about how you can work together to make sure you don't end up on somebody's blog being called Noodle. Not only did he waste perfectly good vagina juice but he didn't even try to make up for it. Dude didn't even spit on the cootie but wanted a time out of 30 minutes so he could get his thoughts together.

30 mintues! 30 minutes??!?!?

Things you can do in 30 minutes:

• Bake a cake
• watch an episode of Family Matters
• Go for a light jog
• Pop in an exercise tape.

You can not expect a woman to lie there... for thirty minutes...in her moisture and wait for you and your dick to come up with a plan. Uhn uhn not gonna happen.

Dani's too damn nice... she gave him another chance to get it together and he fucked up again. 4 maybe 5 minutes later after poor pumping... she said "Where are my clothes?" and got the fuck up. Me, on the other hand, wouldn't have been so nice because 1. you done wasted my coochie juice. 2. You came at me knowing you had a limpie and 3. you fucked up and didn't even try to make it better. He definitely would've gotten the "So, what you about to do?" while i gathered his shit to escort him out of my crib.

Dude was selfish, wasn't a multi-tasker and he wasn't prepared which makes him a BAD FUCKER! No more chances... Do not pass go... do not collect 200 hundred dollars... Take you and your liquid dick straight to jail.

Lover's Mix...

During my high school years, i remember being one of the few kids with a computer + the Internet+ a CD burner and hella CD's. All those things plus me having an extensive knowledge of music (i'm a human Ipod) made me the perfect go-to person to get any and all music.

I remember my homegirl planned on losing her virginity and wanted a mix CD of slow jams so that she could get it in with some thugged out dude that lived on Greenmount. She didn't want to listen to pussy drying radio... damn commercials would've eff'd everything up with their genital herpes medication trial offer.

So, anyway, with my Gateway PC (remember those?), Napster and a few CD's i created a mix tape... titled "Losing It... The Demise of Her Virginity". This CD was the fucking business! It had a few joints from 112, Xscape, Jagged Edge and you know I threw R.Kelly nasty ass on there.

Well... I don't know if the CD worked but my girl came back to school the next day and praised it. Me and my hustling mind came up with the plan to make a bunch of em and sell them to the people at my school and with me being the marketing genius that I am (in my head, of course)called the CD "Panty Dropper" for the guys and for the girls I renamed it " Lovers Mix... ". Shit sold like 1st of the month food stamps. I made over a hundred dollars hustling my shit. 100 was a lot to a high school junior with a addiction to Forever21 and sneakers.

Anyway... now that we're in the era of the MP3 and Ipod's, mix CD's are almost a thing of the past. (Thank god! Try to get done to a scratched up chopped and screwed version of "Down Low"... definitely a mood fucker-upper). However, i know you all still like to bump and grind to eh... Bump and Grind.

So... with all of that being said... here is my 1st list (more to come) of fuckalicious songs that keep the ambiance right while you're getting it in with the special- or not so special- person in your life. I may- or may not- link them for your downloading pleasure. In the meantime, use the list as a guide to find your own shit. :)

Lover's Mix... Pt 1

1. The Greatest Sex by R. Kelly
2. Lay Down by Floetry
3. Speechless by Beyonce
4. In the Middle by Trey Songz
5. Say It by Ne-Yo
6. Cupid by 112
7. Lately by Tyrese
8. Sumthin, Sumthin (mello mix from Love Jones) by Maxwell
9. Softest Place on Earth by Xscape
10. Anytime, Anyplace by Janet Jackson
11. Dont Fight This Feeling by Day26
12. Trading Places by Usher

I cant be the only one...

"She aint go no money in the bank- she be walking round looking all stank..."
Hold up
No, dont get it
Boy, shut up
Answers phone Yo, whats up
Shit, whatchu doing
Uhm, fucking. What up?
PEW- call me back
taps man on shoulder Okay, lets finish- we got 12 minutes.

My friends think its funny that I pick up the phone when i'm doing grown up things but it's a habit. Now, I dont always pick up the phone but if its some spare of the moment type shit and i forget to put my shit on vibrate or silent, the ringer will definitely knock me out of my sensual status. All of my friends got ring tones that make it impossible to ignore. How am i supposed to enjoy some good ole tongue spankin if "She got a donk, she got a donk" comes on?

So, question... do you answer the phone when you're doing the nasty?

Disclaimer: ** The d game is always on point so it's not that im not enjoying it. **